​

The Lost of Turpentine     

just a novel, everything imagined

by  Xiong Xuan  ( Melancholy)

during 2016 Summer and Autumn
for my sadly past twenties youth
as well as for a couple of lovely people
who involved in my life
during that period of time
or maybe later in my life also
love you so much
thanks for being with me
hug me ……
 

 

chapter 1      Turpentine
chapter 2      Happy Anniversary
chapter 3      Black-wings
chapter 4      Starbucks banchee
chapter 5      Seattle
chapter 6      Tinghua
chapter  7     Tree
chapter  8     Stone
chapter  9     at the court
chapter 10     the stranger
chapter 11     Yes, I will
chapter 12     Snowball
chapter 13     Tibet
chapter 14     Butterfly
chapter 15     a new leaf
chapter 16     I stop drawing
chapter 17     1Q84
chapter 18     July
chapter 19     Zigui
chapter 20     Rite of Spring
chapter 21     the man on the beach
chapter 22     Michael  oo

the final chapter    she is gone ……

part two                                                                                                                                   

chapter 1    purple-gray
chapter 2    American Spirit
chapter 3    Rose
chapter 4    South
chapter 5    Wings of Desire
chapter 6    the Horse
chapter 7    dear Theo

chapter 1  Turpentine                                                                                                             

 

如果宣宣打破了你的松节油，你会生气吗？yes, definitely.

你会原谅她吗？  : )   她的错误还没有到原谅不原谅的程度。Because I love her.

 

Just chaotic fragments. But there is an underlying red-line, that is how the feeling happened. Memories, illusions, tears, happy moments, pain, suffering things, lust, desire, imagination …… whatever comes into mind. No limitation. For Lulu.

 

Is your painting class on Thursday morning?

Yes. But you are not in my track         : )

That's the first time I saw him, in a pale-blue jacket.

At the new beginning of the semester of the school.

 

“Stupid Idiots!”  He got two more black wallets from the passengers' pockets. He glanced the surroundings, with an evil smiling on his face. As if he was the king. And then he stunned. Because he saw a woman! She is not pretty. No, she Is very very pretty!

Someone is just normal, but when you fall in love with her, she becomes fascinating. She is standing there, holding the pole of the bus. She is wearing a white dress, without selves. Oh, I want herrrrrrr! Look at her boobs! And she is carrying a transparent pink-purple raincoat, which is dripping water. For the first time in his life, he feels so pretty, like a colorful light shooting into his gloomy dark world. Well, he had a couple of women before, but just for entertainment purpose only. This is the first time he feels his heart is beating so violently!  Ding-dinggggggggg…… someone pull the stop-ring. Oh, will she get off the bus? Where does she live? What does she do? Oh, I want to kiss her lips …… but if she knew what I am …… I am a thief! My hands are so dirty! I am such a badass! Before mum left home, I had a little white wooden horse, with a thick spring underneath, and I rode it in the backyard, under the tree, and I had my rabbit. But then he just kept drinking more seriously, and threw the bottles to the wall, and towards me also. And I left, it's not my home anymore. I was 15, the sky was green ……  she got off the bus, and he followed, followed her foot-steps, followed the beautiful shape of her back, and followed the smell from her body --- wrapped by the white cloth. He even started imagine they will get married, and have kids, and they go to the park with swans, sit on the long bench, and kiss her, and touch her hair gently. And then she disappeared at the corner of the street. (unfinished)

 

Two small yellow lights, standing next to each other, be connected at the end of the pipe. Each morning, I ride my small red Holland bike, passing there, the two looking at me, silently, as if, they have words to tell me. The concrete wall cracked. And an abandoned train was a candy-store now, the square windows still functioning. Someone was sitting in, leaning her arms against the edge of the window.

 

Little Danke, standing on my 2-meters big painting frame, looking at me, he looks so well, and then, the next day, he died. His little, white, fuzzy body. I buried him. Only 10 dollars puppy, which I bought at a subway station. Lived with me for just one semester, and then died. From then on, I no longer have pets anymore, because it is so much pain, when you lose it. But recently, I realize that I have a bunny --- March. He kind of, kind of need me. All right. All right, I'll hold you in my arms, and touch you gently. Kiss your forehead.  

♥

Chapter 2  Happy Anniversary

To my dear husband March

 

quote:

“Thank you for being such a sweet husband
Thank you for standing by me no matter what
Thank you for showing your love in all different ways
and for always giving me new reasons to smile
Thank you for being such a great partner
Thank you for pitching in at home
Thank you for keeping me balanced when life gets crazy
and for making me laugh more than anyone else
Thank you for being such a good man
Thank you for working so hard
Thank you for loving our family so much
and staying focused on the important things in life.
I am so grateful to be married to you.
Happy Anniversary”
 

It's an anniversary-card I bought at Cafeway. At the time I saw it, I thought, it's just for you. Yes, for that moment, it is for you. And then, I saw the dead snake on the road, which scared me. And I stop running. End up give the card to Hao. He was very happy. But I feel ashamed.
 

Could you tell Gill, and keep the still-life for one more week for me? Yeah! I will fight for you!    : )      The queen and the solider. She killed him, after he said I would no longer fight for you, and showed her the window. There boys were reading a long book together. A landscape book was on the white table. You know what? I lost the polar-bear etching! I put it here, someone took it! Oh, really? Don't worry about it. I will print another one for you. And Lulu printed 2 more for him, with his painting on it. Lulu found him in the library. It's for you! Oh, that's my ghost! He just laughed. One day, before winter-break, Lulu leaf through that book, and found that one etching! Why? Why you don't keep it, it's really for you ……   you have to take it, at the time it's for you.
 

Play the fence like a piano, running along it, with my fingers blurry the sounds. It's for you! You take it home! Lulu standing at the corner of the parking-building, holding her cast-drawing in her hands. No, I can't take it    : )    it is for youuuuuu  take ittttttt    no, not today. Let me get a bigger car. ok. And after Lulu left, whenever he turn left at that corner, he remembers the scene --- that day, Lulu holding her drawing, waiting for him, at the corner. It's for you ……  the next day, he told Owl, that he got terrified. Lulu feel confused, because he was smiling, oh, his smiling eyes ……  you must take it, when it's for you. Lulu cried. He doesn't like my drawing …… he doesn't like me also ……  you must take it when it's for you, when somebody holding his heart, want to give it to you.
 

You should show it, to win a cast-drawing scholarship! No, I can't, it has your name on it! Show it! So Lulu brought it there, because he asked her to do so.

​Chapter 3  Black-wings 

“Shit! I lost my I-pad!” “My wallet got stolen too, at the time I went to the bathroom.” you should lock your studio-door all the time. Black-wings told me Lulu is a thief. I don't believe it! She looks nice. Yeah, but I saw her pick up charcoal from the trash-container. And Black-wings also told me, that Lulu pull some sticky glue in front of the lockers. Really? I can't believe it. And Lulu was just doing the cast-drawing, there, in the cast-hall, she didn't know what happened, but aware that people's eyes, hate her. What she can do, except keep drawing? Explaining? Look at her shoes! She looks poor. China-girl ! Yeah, I did pick up several charcoal-branches from the trash-container. Not because I want to use it. But because I think, it's a pity, just throw away like that, it's still long, still could be used to draw. I don't draw with charcoal. So I put it on the windowsill, for anymore. And someone put a box of food, next to my easel. I am not a homeless beggar! I do not need pity! Black-wings smiled.

 

It's so much fun bully her! She can't talk, I will make her more isolated. One day, something happened, Black-wings said something mean to Lulu, Lulu feel terribly bad. She didn't want to quarrel or fight or something like that at all. But she remembers that he has class at the still-life classroom. As long as I can see him again! He is there, with students. In that pale-blue jacket. I show you my drawing! Here, look, this little man, sitting here, it's you!    : )      oh, really?     : )      Lulu got happy sunshine and she become the happy polar bear again. And she went back to her classroom. Black-wings saw her happy face, couldn’t understand how she made it, and got angry. Lulu pretend didn't notice at all, and just keep drawing.

 

The next day, Lulu got an email. She was called to the student-service office. High-heel said: you know, it's not appropriate, you are crossing the line, step back! It's too frequent! Over-attention to George. You are making him uncomfortable. What? Lulu couldn't understand, but she was upset. And she erased the little man from her drawing. He smiled to me …… he smiled …… and she changed the gesture of herself in the drawing also, which is a tiny person, sitting in the shadow of a bottle, head down, on her knees, when she saw that little man, she thought, she found a friend, and she like him! But only for a brief moment, it disappeared. Lulu feel confused. And stop coming to his classroom anymore.

 

Next time, she got upset from the Black-wings, she just come out of the classroom, and look at a little girl's portrait, from Velazquez, and she find peace again. It's not being coward. She used to fight with other kids on the street. And she is not afraid of Black-wings. Lulu love this Red-Block school, because it is beautiful, the red blocks, the stone engravings, the Gothic style windows, and him! But …… Lulu love to watch those statues in the cast-hall. They are beautifulllllllllll!   I want to draw all of them! I will start with this strawberry girl, and then the fate-goddess, and then Rodin …… the last one would be this ugly Bruce. I call it Bruce, because it is looks like him! A big rounded head, with thick beard, looks stupid! But actually Bruce is a very very kind person, and his figure painting is very heroic and ambitious. It's a pity I never took his class.

Chapter 4    Starbucks Banchee

The night gets darker, little stars shining. He couldn't sleep. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8…… he started counting the stars, smiling, and he remembered the last time he counted stars was when he was a kid. “You are a beautiful star! “    : )       I am a star   : )      nobody ever tell me that before.

 

I am sorry, so sorry, I couldn't remember why I call you star anymore. When I told Michael oo is a big, beautiful, not hostile star, I remembered I said something similar to you before. But my brain did got damaged at the crazy people's hospital, when the doctors hit my head with electricity, some precious memory got smeared, couldn't recall anymore.

 

Goldfish has fallen into sleep, he can hear her breath. That night, he had a strange dream:  it's a sea, with a pale-blue stone, a starbucks banshee is sitting on it, smiling, two shells covered her little rounded boobs, and she has a green fish-tail. She sits there, waving her fish-tail, flipping the water, making wrinkles. He look at her face, oh, Lulu! He stood up, coming towards her, and she jumped into the water, and disappeared. He was surprised. But he kind of, kind of want it happen again. Goldfish was sleeping next to him, holding his left arm, sweet. He look at her rounded belly, rounded shoulders, rounded forehead. Time changed her appearance. We have been together for so many years. You know, when the passion of love has gone, your spouse become your family. And you love your family. And you would never want to hurt them, would you? He kissed her lips, softly, remember the time with her when they were studying at Heaven University together. But he feel a little bit guilty, because of the banshee just now.

 

Mum said: come here, baby, come, I’ll go inside with you, smiling, with her arms want to hug me. So I stepped in, the door was immediately shut down. They griped my arms, pushed me violently towards the inner-door, stripped all my clothes, tied my hands and feet to the bed. Two crazy women, looking at me, with their tilted heads. I am so scared, I call muuuuuuum----- mum cried, she wouldn't answer. I cried desperately. “You will be all right” someone in white cloth said to me, smiling. 

 

The surgery is very successful. They put Lulu on the operating table, shaved her horse-tail long hair, opened her skull, and cut off the melancholy part of her brain, it is purple. The surgery is very successful. Lulu got off the table, smiling, sweetly, like a baby. She is a happy person now. She will no longer sad or cry anymore.

 

He missed Lulu so much. So he flied to Beijing, to her hospital, and brought her a teddy bear. Lulu look at him, smiling, and then look at somewhere else, smiling. She no longer remember me …… he look at her again, she smiling like a baby. He cried. My dear little one, yes, I will, I will stay with you, even after has lost you, because ……because I am your starrrrrrr, I am yours. I couldn't give you light, but I will be there with you, through the darkness, accompany you forever.

 

There is a big painting on the wall of the 9th floor studios, describing how doctors use a metal cap healing a patient, the wall was green. Lulu walking by, feel scared by the painting, she didn't realize that is the omen --- what's going to happen to her. She remembered, before this, was a big painting of David, a sunny guy, with blue eyes, golden hair, and a big happy smile. Lulu saw a lot of smiling face at Red Block. That day, when High Heel gave her the letter --- printed elegantly in white fine paper, with the logo of the school, High Heel smiling warmly too. At that time, Lulu couldn't tell the difference of all these different smile yet. She thought, this must be a happy-land, see, all people seems happy.

And that letter basically saying, if you continue behavior like this, continue annoying people like this, bother George again, or any other instructor at Red Block, you would have to leave the school, temporarily, or forever. I told you, don't contact him, anymore, he is in absence, don't call him, don't email him, don't go to his gallery, any form, just stop! But you wouldn't listen. Before you flying back to China right before the winter-break, you call him again, without saying anything. And as George reported, you mailed him your big drawing. Did you? I wonder how you know his number, how you find out his address? At that time, Lulu didn't know, how serious that letter is, it's like a knife on her neck, she was pushed to the edge of precipice. Did you send your work to his house? Yes, I did. Idiot! Why you say yes? Don't you know that means you may get dismissed anytime by saying yes? Because she said as you reported …… 

 

It’s called “harassment”. Lulu never heard of that word before. She thought she was being nice, giving people her polar-bear etching as a gift, with their photos or works on it, even including High Heel. Everybody smiled and very happy with it. The class-register even gave her a hug! Lulu holding that letter in her hands, walking out of the office, confused. Peter walking face to face. I thought it's nice …… Peter, do you like my etching? Is it a harassment for you? Lulu has tear in her eyes. Peter look at her, shake his head, no no, it's not, it's very nice, I like it very much. You are all right.

 He figured out why he like her. Because she is happy! When she gives you a happy face, it's real! When Lulu call him March loudly, how happy he is! Everybody call him George, respectfully, politely, carefully, with a smiling mask, a lot of times. He is sick of it! But Lulu is not fake. Once, he was going to the men's room, “March!” Lulu ran towards him, and gave him a small orange. Call me again! Call me March loudly again! At this point, Lulu is similar to Goldfish. She is simple and happy too. He loves his wife, deeply. But he likes Lulu also. He want to hug her, a little bit. 

Chapter 5  Seattle

It’s a normal art studio, with some easels and model-stands. People are sitting around Miko, watching him demo. An anatomy figure drawing. He already had some white hair on the temples. His boots    : )     and his old jacket. It's great to see you. You too. Here are my drawings during the transition-process of these two and half years: Destiny-series, Heaviness, reversed Heaviness, Fence, Kettle(green), Prayer, Mclean, Elmhurst …… Great! Your work looks so beautiful! Cool! Any critiques? I don't have anything to say at this moment. I don't think you still need me. No! I need you …… A lot of works are inspired from you, though. Yeah, I can see my influence in your work. But I also see clearly you already formed your own drawing language, which is so original and creative. It's great! You know? And you should forget about me, clear your mind, be completely independent. But I can't! I can't leave you …… Yes, you can! You should! You will make it! Ok …… I will try ……I don't know how long it takes. Look at your work, honestly, couldn't you see yourself? Couldn't you see that you already draw better than me? Yeah, Dan told me so, also. And it's time. And my recordings, you have chew every single word so many times, and have understood my thoughts thoroughly, in terms of the basic drawing grammar. Whenever it becomes a nostalgic thing, you should stop. Because you need to keep learning new things, books, movies, new people, travel …… anything you experience will feed back your work and you will arrive at a higher level. And I would like to see a new you next time. Hug me ……  Ok, come here, little one       :  )       I couldn't tell who called me little one first. You two mixed together to be one.  But I am not as good as you …… Yes, you Are! You are me and more than me.   I love you Miko. I love you too.

 

Don't follow me! I want to tell you …… want to tell you …… You know what, I am not going to come to this place anymore! Tears burst out of her eyes, and she ran away, with her hello-kitty sketchbook. Miko stared at her back, angrily. And because of that 1 minute delayed at the Time Capsule, he missed the Megabus back to Philadelphia. He got even more angry at her! I wish I had a gun!

 

At the student service office, High Heel and HR, talking to Miko: we are concerned. She is lack of ability to control her feeling and behavior. And you, as a teacher, should turn her down. Miko look at them, silently. But Lulu want to come to me anyway! Welcome to New York!  
 

Are you leaving? Met Miko at the stair-way. Yeah, the model has left. The only way to make someone love you more, is to leave him, and then you come back to him. That's what March taught me. It's the last 20 minutes at the end of the semester. It's time to say thank you to the teacher. Chee, may I trust you to give this to Miko? Ok, no problem. You know, you are not a massager, holding the fuzzy stuffed animal in his hands. He know, it's for Hydon. When he brought it home to her, she just hug his neck with her little soft hands, say: Daddy, I love this! And he just melt.
 

It's the very beginning of the first semester. What's your name? Mike. The first time I saw your work is when Owl introducing painting department. We were going to choose a major. When he displayed that bride with a printing-machine drawing on the screen, I thought it's mine. Do you have a website? Yes. Write like a little kid, so that I can read. Ok, it's www.michaeloo.net   the next day: I checked your website, your works are amazing! I love it!   So you can trust me now  : )     yes!    At that time, I did not have a MP3 recorder yet. This scene just engraved in my mind. The very beginning met Miko. 
 

Want to smoke? Yeah! It's just a thought cross my mind, and she grip it and keep asking. W-h-a-t  i-s  r-a-i-s-e?  She even doesn't know what bullshit mean! Want to have a drink together? Yeah! They went to the bar. And they also went to the skeleton museum, which had an entire wall of skulls. There was a blank sketchbook on the front desk. Miko looked at it. He just smiled. Because he saw someone drew a small skeleton there, writing: Miko. He knew that was her. And Lulu was doing the copy of <Not Great Man> at that time. Quote: generally, people drive me crazy, but that won't stop me love them. 

I checked everybody's drawing, except her! I am right here! So close! Right next to her! And she is doing the tiny sketch cast-drawing with color-pencil! She want to do another one! Pale-blue! I would not talk to her today, if she doesn't call my name. And the time goes off. Miko just left, disappointed. It is the drawing I would like to do, my entire life, but you stop up on it, the drawing is now running away from you, showing the disability of being engaged. You kind of reached the end of the edge. It's enough to put down. You need to believe, it's yours, and give it space, and it will come back to you. If I am not with you, there must be some reasons happened you don't know, just don't give up on me. I know you were waiting for me.

 

And she got the email from the Time Capsule, going to Florence with Miko! Oh, yeah! So she packed, flied there, go with Miko! It is a river, and a concrete bridge, Miko got shot. And she understood, the best way to protect Miko is to keep distance from him. It is ok to put his work in your work, and it is ok to listen to his recordings when you miss him, but don't make trouble in his reality. You are nothing for him. Just one of thousands of former students or fans. Yeah, he taught you, but don't take it too personally. He loved me! Not as you thought, though. He also looking at the red-hair, the flat-face, the green-eyes, the little-breast, the Den …… with his fiery eyes also. Yes, he loved you, as one of people, you have nothing special. That's it. No! That's not true! I can feel it! I can hear him! Don't …… don't be silly.

 

You know,  a good drawing, let's say, black and white language, you need the ability to control the overall, composition, gradation, all the elements, perspective …… but you also need to be sensitive to tiny details. If something is in the shadow, or not the main actor on the stage, then, keep it subtle, keep it subtle. You know? And a drawing, or a relationship, will have a point, where it's finished, you know it's finished. Then you put it against the wall and rarely look at it again. Why? Because it's over. It doesn't mean you don't love it any more. You look at some old piece from years ago, you still have emotion to them, and could recall clearly what happened when you did that painting. Right? Life is keep going, and you need to create new works, right? But Mikoooooooooo is not …… not like a traffic light, where you missed this one, will get another one next. It's not like that. Miko is not replaceable. No one can substitute him. Is he that heavy? Yeah, definitely, definitely. Then maybe that's the reason you should more put it down. Why? Be yourself. And they will love you more. You should be more focused on yourself, your own art, not his, or any other teacher's work. You are an artist, because you are an artist, not because they are an artist, that teacher of yours. 

Do you love me? Yes. Then why leave me? You will understand, one day ……
 

She has a leaf on her hair! Is that mean, she is for sale?      : )        Because when you are selling children, you put a grass on their heads. She is wearing a blue-grid shirts. Oh, she made Degas's ballerina green!   Yeah, she is March's student. Melancholy, I am just standing beside you, and you can't aware of me, because you are so focused on the copying. Want to say hi to you, want to see your smile, but I love you more when you are being a pure artist!  Really? You should call my name, you know, I was waiting for you …… there is a tiny pitch square, in front of the national gallery of art. Lulu standing on the short steps, and jumppppppp

Chapter 6  Thinghua

On the bus back to Beijing, from his army in Tianjin, the bus was bumping up and down, up and down …… for 2 hours all the way. It feels like, feels like Binbin's JJ still inside me. You know, at the time of your graduation, that year, our birthdays get on the same day! Wow! Let's get married that day! Yeah! The next time our birthdays get on together will be 13 years later …… wow …… Do you still remember? Do you remember?! He asked her after the break-up. That's the first time she had sex. It was so much pain, when he pushed in. Actually that's the third time they try. He's her first man. When he saw her big-drops tears running out of her eyes, he couldn't do it. But finally! The virginity. That's his first time also. And they both didn't know how to do it. She was 17. They will get married, and have kids, and grow old together and be together forever …… that's what she believed. They kissed. You are so nice to me …… you come to see me all the way from Beijing to here …… he kissed her again. The little tree, he bought for her, died, right after she text him: it's over. She forgot to water it for 2 days, and it was on the windowsill of her studio, at Tsinghua. 8 years, like a second. What are you doing now? I am selling insurance. Buying furniture, for my new home. Home? You are getting married? With whom? A girl I met when I was a solider in Tianjin. Do you like her? Yes! There were a couple of classmates came to see me, when I was in army. Hi, Bin, a letter for you! Your girlfriend from Tsinghua! I am afraid I can't match you …… you are studying at Tsinghua, but I even didn't finish high school …… and I am just a solider ……  Don't worry …… Then why you leave me? For my art. Is your art that important? More important than me?  ………… you do anything for it, when it comes to it. You are right. You do anything for it ……  we couldn't come back anymore …… we couldn't anymore ……  I saw your drawings, they are beautiful! So you are chasing your dream, that's the life I couldn't give you. And he loves you. Yeah. I will draw a drawing for you …………    I miss you ……  see, this is my daughter, she is 3 years old now.

 

Sorry, I am late, here is $5, may I take the next bus? No! You missed it! What you missed, missed! Lulu want to go to J gallery, to see <Wind> again. Be with your painting! Be with you! What makes you so happy? Lulu was running, from 2215 Parrish street to 30th street train station. What makes you so happy?

 

He will be here at 1 o'clock. The green painting was on the table. It's a desk, broken up in the middle. I love ittttt! The pale-purple broom is my pencil-bag! The red square is my bike! The little blue pitcher is me! And the dust pan and besom? Why? Before we are completely thrown out. Throw out? He is so …… I like the mirror edge, I like his brush-stroke, oh, his fingers …… so sensitive …… how it feels like if he ……  is this for me?  Haha! It is for me! As if, as if we lost it …… March holds Lulu gently. Are you afraid of me? Yes, your drawings --- your dark thoughts scared me …… but I …… I still love you …… Idiot! He kissed Lulu. Why you punish me because I love you? You know, I am dark. Hold me. Don't leave …… don't leave me …… 

 

Hi, how is going? How are you? Hello there …… he keep greeting to people passing by, while they stand together, at the relief with Joey. Lulu couldn't believe, he is the kind of person too --- saying how are you, while not care at all. Lulu just standing next to him. It is beautiful!   It is for you! And my name? Yeah     :)      it's for you ……  don't leave ……  I’ll miss you ……  will you come to see me during this one year? Yes, I will. But you know, a drawing, it's not just beautiful, it shouldn't just describing --- this cast, it should be saying something. Yeah …… it is saying something, can you hear me? Can you hear me?    May I take a photo of you? I am taking photos of all people at Red Block. Kristine asked, took a cannon camera. No, no, I don't want to. But, do you have March's photo too?  Yes, I have a couple. May I have it? No, unless you let me take photos of you.

你的画和我很不同，你不要学我，画你自己的。我坐在忻老师左边，张学坐在右边。你不要担心我，好好画画。有好多的白色的和黄色的菊花。

 

Who is this? Glenn Gould. Who is Glenn Gould? A Canadian pianist. I don't like him! I don't like him murmuring while playing. It's annoying.   Try this one. Will you come to the traditional Chinese drama again next semester? I feel so safe and warm while holding your hands. 花谢花飞花满天，红消香断有谁怜？软系飘春榭1，落絮轻沾扑绣帘。闺中女儿惜春暮，愁绪满怀无释处。手把花锄出绣帘，忍踏落花来复去。柳丝榆荚自芳菲，不管桃飘与李飞；桃李明年能再发，明年闺中知有谁？这是世界上最最小的小桥。雄雄，我昨天晚上梦见你了。嗯？我梦见，我骑自行车带你。Cry on his shoulders. He didn't leave me when I was …… even when I betrayed him, both physically and mentally, always there, always there. So selfish, why you keep asking people stay with you. I am so tired …… I know …… sleep for a while in my arms. Close your eyes. Don't worry …… 他们给江泽民起了一个外号 --- 蛤蛤，因为他的大眼镜！it's not funny at all. He doesn't understand me, and he doesn't know how to make me happy.
 

Glenn look at Miko, oh, we look the same! I were you, when last time I was born to the earth. How you …… how you play so well? It's simple. You just in it. When you truly in love with something, or someone, you are just in it. All the happy and pain, involve you, you just in it. See? It's easy. I believe you. Listen …… Glenn Gould plays Bach - The Goldberg Variations, BMV 998 (Zenph re-performance)

 

Excuse me, how much is this purple painting? Oh, it's on hold. On hold? Yes, it's not for sale. I can give you my drawing. Now leave. This is too much.

 

满纸荒唐言，一把辛酸泪。都云作者痴，谁解其中味？
 

I play guitar and write songs. Not for sale, not for publication, not for show, just for myself, maybe for someone. If you have a pain, you should cry out, should let it out. All the scenes, like a movie. I am here with you.

 

Is it good? Yes, you should go. Peter said. So I went there, with my sketchbook in my hands. Hi! Nice to meet you! I like your paintings---those little flowers, I love it! She had black long curved hair, and long curved eyelash, in a fashionable black dress. And, and he gave me his hand, too. Nice to meet you ………… they were wearing the same color shoes – a couple, yeah, they are a couple.  Hi, March, which floor? 4! I couldn't understand her painting, those swimming lines, what does it mean? Nobody really look at the paintings at the opening, no body care, except yourself, and very few people who care. Lulu didn't know, it's' social, if you don't come to my opening, I won't come to yours either. What is it? Oh, just my sketchbook, with some notes in Miko's class. May I see it? Yeah, ok.

 

You went to J gallery for 5 times! High Heel said. How you know that? He researched. March's paintings, as quiet as melting snow, as disturbing as a waving sea ……  George return this book back to you. When did this book come? Yesterday. Oh, I was, I was doing the cast-drawing, I didn't know he was here. You said you would come to see me …… He is going to have a show at J gallery, but he asked you Not come to his opening. People walking by. My face got terribly hot, like be slapped. Doing the Tree, and determine not love him anymore. This is meaningless! No no no, nothing we do is meaningless. You draw it, you experience it, and people who see it, experience it, it's not meaningless. I had the meaning at the beginning, but, then, I lost it. I couldn't just throw it away, but I also lost the point to continue it. Then, probably, take a break.

George is remarrying his wife. Lulu went there. Flowers. Candles. Would you like to marry me, again? No matter poor or rich, no matter sick or health, no matter what happened, I will always be with you, protect you, trust you and love you. Lulu pushed the door-handle, left. He saw it. Something is missing. You know, it's a promise, when you promised someone, you need to keep your words. It's an ordeal, and Lulu just keep drawing, emotionless. 小虎，我爱你，咱们一起回新疆吧，and she just fly away …… when things changed, your situation changed, sometimes, it's hard to keep the promise. It is ok, it is ok, if you get too tired, you may leave ……  I am not beautiful anymore …… and, and if you get tired of it, you may leave ………… hold me ……

 

How is your job today? Oh, my manager said I am the best she ever hired. Oh, great! You are doing a great job! You are a donkey! What?    : )    donkey is good word! It's like, if you say, an artist is crazy, it's a good word. Ok. I like you when you working hard, because I feel safe. 

Chapter 7   Tree

 
《白月光》 張信哲 ♥ ♪♫*• •♥*♪

白月光 心里某个地方 那么亮 却那么冰凉
每个人 都有一段悲伤 想隐藏 却欲盖弥彰

白月光 照天涯的两端 在心上 却不在身旁
擦不干 你当时的泪光 路太长 追不回原谅

你是我 不能言说的伤 想遗忘 又忍不住回想
像流亡 一路跌跌撞撞 你的綑绑 无法释放

白月光 照天涯的两端 越圆满 越觉得孤单
擦不干 回忆里的泪光 路太长 怎么补偿

白月光 心里某个地方 那么亮 却那么冰凉
每个人 都有一段悲伤 想隐藏 却在生长

​Ok, so you putting that wing on her. (# ye, at the beginning, I didn’t plan to draw that wing, but, maybe …) I like it. Do you want that wing to come out? (# ye) towards us? (# a little bit) like that? (# a little bit, I want to keep everything flat, the whole picture is still flat, it’s relief 浮雕) ye, so you want that wing to be like a relief, but the wing behind it, you want that wing back? (# ye) ok, I think the wing in the back is going back well, I think it’s turning away nicely, I think the one in the front is a little more confusing, you know, maybe, you see how that wing it does this, it comes a little bit like this? (# ye.) I keep wanting to take the top of your wing, maybe just try to pull it towards us a little bit more,I think it would be interesting idea in the drawing if you got that the angel in relief, ok, and then the wing kind of coming over a little bit, ok? (# soit’s a illusion, the viewer will ask, is this flat or is it 3D? )

 

(#actually after I draw the shadows on the wing) that helps (# I am going to draw a rope, use a rope to tie the wing) oh~. (# so there would be a rope wrap) wrap around two wings or…? (# 2 wings.) so it will go from one wing to the other wing. (# it’s like go all this way.)

 

Do you have a piece of paper? (# ye, sure. ) can I use this one? (# yes, sure.) ok, so, (# this one better绿铅笔) thanks, 他在画两个翅膀, ok, this is the front wing, the nearest to the angel’s the head, so when you put that rope on it, if you go like that, back, in space, ok, and go the other one like that, something like that? (# oh, the rope will tie the two wings together, as a whole thing.) ok, (# and the rope will be a little bit messy.) ok. I still think you should try to get this wing, to try to pull it come forward on top. Ok? The angel itself is coming along nicely.

 

What’s going on with the hands? (# the hands like this, holding a thing in the hands, I’m going to draw an apple or a cube, or something else, it’s like a transparent material, like that blue thing, so I put that here, so you can still see the hands.)
 

ok, so in the rabbit down there, right, are you going to have any of those materials, in the figure? (# no) that pink marker粉色的马克笔 is there going to be any of that in the figure? (# no, just for the rabbit) ok, so, I think, as the figure develops, like, just because the contrast, in that right now, and because the strength of that, graphically, it’s such a strong clear shape, I think, in order to get the angel to even to be seen, with that in the picture, you are going to have to really, I think, work up the contrast, in the angel a lot, to really get a lot of contrast, in order to make it, so that I see the angel, because if I block that out, then, I see the angel, because there is nothing more contrast in that, so I think you just be aware of that, it’s possible that you could do a beautifully sensitive drawing of the angel, right?I want to see it. (# thank you, Peter. J) You know what I am saying? (# ye. Actually the rabbit is a challenge, so I have to be strong enough with the angel, otherwise the rabbit too strong.) I like that,J, this is a good idea. (# this is like a stage, the angel is the main-actor, and the rabbit is a tiny-role) so this is like a way of challenging that make sure ……J that’s a good idea, I like it. (# Jit’s a reminder. ) it’s a good idea. 

(# oh, one thing I forgot to tell you that, that gray ground, could you point it? I’ll add it here, with a purple, this kind of color-pencil, it’s a purple color-pencil, so that will helps to make the angel come out, a tiny bit.) ye. (# but that would be the last thing, I need to draw the angel first, to make sure it’s strong enough, and then I do the purple thing, ) good idea. (# and this piece is pink, but the background is going to be changed, just like the gray on the wall, just like this gray, it’s a beautiful color) ok, I think the angel is coming along beautifully, I think, you know, I would just keep doing what you were doing, and try to pull that wing forward.
 

(# Do you think is there anything wrong with the form?) what do you mean say “wrong”? you mean, like angles? (# not good enough, just anything, anything you think is not good enough here?) well, I think the leg, the lower leg, on the left, is still kind of weak, it looks like not developed very much. (# you mean, the form? ) ye. I think when you are working on the chest, on the drapery, in the torso, try to keep it full, like the whole thing fold well, ok? I think, actually it’s working really well, but you don’t want to be so involved with the folds, the folds, you always want the folds to help to make the form, to help it, not to hurt it, right? (# ye) so I would keep that in mind. I think it’s going pretty well, like I said, the legs are a lot weaker than the torso. (# what’s torso?) torso is this part of the body躯干 all that, but I think you just need to be work on it. Ye, good. I’ll come and look again, when you need + want another look. (# ye, ye.)

 

(# one question: do you think I should add 2 more rabbits here, so it’s a repeat,) J ye, I know (# it’s like the rabbit is joking, I’m doing the same gesture) I don’t know (# I’ll add another here, looking inside, so it’s similar, ) it’s a nice idea, I mean, right now, it’s one thing and another thing, right, I suppose that might be the most interesting dynamic (# what’s dynamic?)  oh, I don’t know how to explain that, the most interesting idea, like, now just 2 things, you know, maybe, like, this is small + big, and doing the same thing, so, you know, it’s possible, offset this a little bit, one two three (# J) you know what I am saying, it could work. I’m not sure Id do two more. (# the third one will be at the edge, the rabbit is looking at me, interesting, like someone is doing this: “Hi!” ) JI like it. Ok, I have to go for painting, come to me when you want another look. Ok?
 

(Thank you. But did you read this 梵高书信集) no, I have not read that. Ye, I know what it is. Is it good? (# it’s good. ) all right, I’ll read sometime. (# thank you.) you are welcome, Lulu. Good job.

Chapter 8  Stone at 9th floor still life classroom

​

Oh, neat, very cool, very, very neat, which one are you working with? Both of them? Okay, both. (Yes, this one would be green, I’ll change a green spot-light, everything green, brush or maybe green color-pencil, because I want to see how green works in my drawing, just try.) That’s cool. Huh, very neat. That’s funny. (# What? ) The plastic. (# I set up everything because of your drawing, I think it’s really good, so I want to try how this transparent plastic works in drawing, and I want to try symbol. Actually, I’m learning from you, learning process, so I set up this for 2 reasons: one is this <studio interior 2001>, and the other one is this <nocturne 2005>  there is a conversation, the composition is a big triangle, actually there are 2 triangles, there is a smaller one, there will be a small statue here, after everything done, I do the small statue here, so 2 triangles. The major theme is learning from Michael, the smaller is myself. This summer, I met my teacher Dan, he said, me like a baby宣婴婴, looking at the world, just try to understand, try to draw it, very simple, it’s great. So, I try to express this idea. The small statue would be a small Angel, giving me a small orange, I don’t know it’s real or not; and that person, looking at me, I don’t know, but we are in different situation, even though he cares about me, but we couldn’t. so there is a distance + relationship at the same time.) Cool, very neat, you know that’s a neat thing when you are dealing with human analogs , right? You know analog is? A human-analog is like a replacement for a human-being, right? A mannequin is a human-being, but it’s not a human-being; a doll is a human-being, but it’s not a human-being, right; statue, same thing, right? It sets up a very, very interesting kind of thing, because: the idea is like, you can really start projecting a lot of yourself into it, rather than the specifics of a likeness of a person, you know what I mean? If you have a person standing here in a conversation, right? I’m standing here, somebody is talking to me, it’s very narrative, right? It’s very clear of what the relationship is, very clear what the relationship is, you see what I mean? When it comes down to things that are not human, there’s a really kind of neat thing, that it actually can become more human, right? It can really convey a lot of that. (# because it has no appearance, just what you really feel.)  ye, and when it comes down to it, this is like the most interesting thing, because: you know, this is your set-up, right? In the cast-hall, it’s not, right? And when you are doing a copy of a drawing, it’s not, right, you know what I mean, in a lot of ways. And then when you are really in your own studio, whether it’s with a model or with a set-up, you start really getting into the mindset which is the interesting thing, the heart and the mind, you know? It’s very cool. (# one thing I forgot tell you: that’s me, inside the plastic-bag is my drawing-world, that’s really what I like, and I totally be frank to what I love; and this is so-called social requirements----a job, a gallery, or … those things, I have to face these requirements, I don’t want to, so I turn my back, whatever, I just draw; and this is the reality, I have a lot of difficulties to do that --- drawing, so that’s in the back, but it exists; this is my heart, that person is something can give me happiness, but… the same as this small statue, it gives me great happiness, I don’t know it’s real or not, but, I need it, just like religion, people just need it. The plastic bag would be the last thing, after everything done.) Ye, one thing you might do is: think about it, of course it’s the last thing, it’s like the surface of the structure, it’s going to be very complicated, but leave yourself room for it, right? Leave space for that kind of thing, so if you are doing the drawing, let’s say: so, for instance, if you have the mannequin, (# I can’t see) ok, sorry, I should probably move over here, ok, so, if you are constructing, let’s say, the mannequin here, right, in the position, right, that’s the most clear, like the plastic is transparent, @, so it’s not going to be (# mannequin is the name of that? Ye.) Ye, so as you’re constructing this, @? The idea of where the plastic is going to be, becomes a very, very important element of the drawing, @? Of course, @? The placement of it, the drawing of it, the identification of what it means to you, @, is very important within this. Now as you’re constructing the drawing, itself, @, you might say: “all right, I’m going to wait, to really do the plastic”, @? So you are dealing with a lot of , let’s say the value of the shape here, the shadows, you get the idea, you know what I mean, @? But as you’re doing that, you might want to keep a little bit of the sense of the overall impression – oh thanks, in simple terms here, you leave yourself a little bit of room, within it, as you’re constructing it, so that when you are dealing with - especially in the background, things like that, @, as you are dealing with the background elements and this, you might leave yourself a little bit room, you are putting in the shadow where it actually is, as light cuts across, regardless of the plastic because it’s transparent, @, the shadow is sort of moving back up here, @, there is a lot of shadow on the wall that’s created by the plastic, but you might get both at the same time, because this is a very important compositional element, right? The shadow that’s kind of up the wall, right, part of that plastic, back across here, even though it’s transparent, you know, you want to identify that the object itself, it’s not opaque, it’s not cloth, @, it’s not that type of thing, but you want to leave yourself enough room so that you can construct that as a form here, so you might have part of the shadow, the shadow on the floor, here, that’s darker, @? Shadow on the wall, that’s even darker, because of the cast of that shape, here, so this almost becomes a ghost, you know? But you might kind of think about keeping this shape here as you’re constructing the drawing, so you still have an idea of generally where that mass is going to be, like where that plastic is going to be, @? Because without it, it’s a very different picture, you know what I mean? And that plastic becomes a very, very important compositional element, within that, ( # I’m showing Michael a white paper window which down the left corner of my drawing, covered the doll, helps to show the big perspective, also breaks the frame) Okay, huh, cool. Ye, ye totally, but does that make sense, because then eventually, you are going to be showing a lot of the effects of the plastic, things like that. As this is modeled, you are going to have highlights, you are going to have things running through, all of those things you are going to deal with on top of that, @? But if you’re kind of going with the depth, that still has substance to it, @, the plastic, so without that shadow-shape, the composition is very different, than if you do have it, @? Here, too, @, that big mass, or that whole, that has to be constantly remembered, that’s an important part of that composition, you know, so one way or the other have it indicated, even if it’s very light, even if it’s very tentative, or you know, ambiguous, @? That will be really cool. (# I’ll draw it here first--- the green one, and then, use a semi-transparent paper to make it, it helps to show the texture. ) And then the only other thing that I would bring up which is very interesting, about this, is eventually, really make sure that your value, so we imagine this is the white mannequin + the plastic, @, this is the other mannequin, in the center, here, this is the box, back over here, the shadow on the wall, @, and then the window, and the doll, @, when you are working very, very large scale, @, it’s very important to keep in mind the overall value of everything, like the fact of that here, this is really the darkest area, you have very very dark areas, like under the leg, in the armpit, as you pull over to that area here, you have pretty dark stuff that’s happening on the wall, as it moves back, @, you are getting the highest degree of contrast, in this zone here肩膀头 , @, a lot of contrast, @, so, you have very, very light values and then very dark, darker values, as you are moving across this zone here. As you start moving away from this area, the area of this mannequin, 中间的着装女人偶here, across to the rest of the picture, @, everything starts getting darker, and darker, and darker, @? You know that, @? But you are going to want to make sure that that’s happening as you are constructing this, to the point where, you are always aware that even though it’s a white object, the window frame, @, the frame that goes around, that’s going to be very, very, very dark, right? And what that starts doing is it’s actually going to really help the narrative, the meaning of the picture I think, in a lot of ways, when you set up something, and you see it in it’s whole way, @, in entirety, and then you start kind of building up the secondary elements, @, the shadow on the block here, as being very dark, @, so it’s a very, very dark situation, @, the dark corner of the room, @, the projection of that shadow, as it moves across all of that, @? The thing that I think is going to be very important about the concept behind this, or the meaning behind the picture, @, is when this is light over here, it has hope, you know what I mean? (# this is so similar as your <not a great man>, the light coming in from top right corner, and go through the entire picture.)  ye, as that pulls in here, @, and you start getting that, the importance of this, as you just told me, is like you drawing, @, or the social responsibilities, or the conversation that’s happening between that, that that becomes a very, very important thing that in some ways, is winning, it’s very optimistic, the whole picture is dark + gloomy, @, but there is an optimism, because that’s the hope. ( # this should be very bright) ye, and the only way for that stuff to be really bright is when this stuff back here is really, really dark, you know what I mean? And you are getting that progression and that loss of value as you start moving from that impact here, right, the light part of the mannequin, that kind of thing, and even a little bit of that light on the floor, as it moves across, (# I notice the light over there, on the top) ye, as it pulls across that diagonal that’s going to be really, really important, you know, I think, this becomes still the center of the interest of the entire picture, you know, you can move across, and come back, but everything is kind of leading you back to this area here, @, the lightness, @, the shape, the diagonals of the shadows of the plastic, the shape of the plastic, @, the direction of this mannequin,= here, @, as it’s looking over to that side, it’s talking to that one, sort of, @, then, you have a second area where you start getting to the window back over here, so it’s going to be really important that that window, is very, very dark, @, and you are getting just, you know, the darker planes within that, ( # see the reflection on the window? ) ye, that’s going to be very neat, @, but still you want to make sure that that’s all need to be in the right family of values, right? As you’re leaning back to that give you that space, @? Very neat.

(# I have several questions.) Ok. NO.1 Q: (#I need to put a drawing on the wall, look, is it ok I draw your drawing in my drawing? For example, the <not great man>, ok? It’s a learning process, just in order to learn from you.) ye, Ok. NO.2 Q: (# you told me there is a conversation between these 2 people, I need to know more how do you use symbol in your drawing. I notice your drawing, it seems like, it’s just my understanding, it seems like this is you, and you leaning back, and this is a woman someone who likes or wants something from you, but you’re “don’t, don’t”. and this seems to be stuck, can not escape, but still refusing.) Ye, and then also, the flip-side too, @, like in this one, you are absolutely right, with this, it was sort of underlying meaning of it, you know, even like the projection of the shadow, off of that, was sort of you are being pulled between 2 worlds, @, this world and this world here, @, for me, this was my artwork here, and this was social + romantic + sexual, you know, that kind of thing, @, and the sort of difference between the 2, and how they are split, and how there is a desire to participate, and also desire to not, you know, that type of thing, @. (# so this is your private working place, and this is your public part, or maybe?) or private, but when you are dealing with another person. (ye, when you are facing someone else, ok, I see.) And this one is a little more simple, it was like death and trying to get a conflict, death, dead, you know? Like the conflict between the … like wanting to give yourself to someone, @, and then also wanting to not, so, the gesture, I think, of the mannequin is sort of really important, that kind of idea, you know, suffocation, you know, like (# what is suffocation?) suffocation, if you take a bag, a plastic bag, and put it over my head, I’ll suffocate and die, @, and so a lot of that coming out of a lot of that kind of things, those, like the idea of suffocation, and …, you know, as “ ah, ah …” you know? (#I think I have understand.)

NO.3 Q: (# this seems like just a corner of your studio, but the meaning is: this mannequin is stuck, so, the question is when you drawing something, you just, oh, this corner is good, so I draw it. ) In this one sort of, ye, but then, when you are drawing, you also find meaning, and I think, like, even if something is accidental, like the mannequins are up in certain way, you need to draw that, it looks neat, so you do a drawing, but it also has to have meaning, @? And you might not know the meaning when you start, you know, you might kind of, like, you are just drawing it, and then suddenly you realize that it’s telling you a story about yourself, that you didn’t expect, you know what I mean? ( # so you use this drawing to express yourself. 废话！) and like what, I think, it’s important to find that story out of it, because you start kind of having a reason to keep doing it, you know, in a lot of ways, keep working on the drawing, you know, it happens, like when I was doing this, I broke up with my girlfriend at the time, @, it was like a girlfriend, broke up, it was Valentine’s Day, ? and like the bed, without mattress, you know, like all of those elements, like the distance between the 2, how they are not interacting, @? And it was, even though, you know, this is a symbol … (# ah, I didn’t notice there is another mannequin ) ye, the other mannequin is there, it’s the same, the same as that, @. So. (# ah, I didn’t know that before, after I know this, it seems like everything is falling into small pieces. Good.) cool. (# this is a small reason I set up this still life, because it looks similar as this painting.) very cool. Very neat.



NO.4 Q: (# I remember you said the bathroom is not good to draw, but you did this drawing of bathroom.) what about it? (# so, actually everything could be a good picture? ) ye, I mean, I think so, I think it can be, again, if you find meaning in it, if you find something that is interesting, if it’s as a shape, if it looks good, you know, that can make a very good drawing, find the meaning behind it, @, it’s a …, so.

NO.5 Q: (# I’ll come back very, very soon. And then I have questions about the photos on the wall.) actually I have to go soon, so. (# yes, very soon.) ok. Oh, thank you.粉色杯子热牛奶 (# I’m going to do a painting of this, this is my mum, this is my father, a big painting about 10 people. Actually, there are 2 layers, one layer is a huge cast drawing, showing where am I right now, and the painting of everything here showing where I come from, but the point is I am looking for where I am, why I am here, why I live, why I draw. I am looking for the meaning, so 2 layers will mixed together. I am working with the composition here. ) are you doing studies of them to try to figure out where to place of the elements? (# yes, I need to choose the best of these, and I need to do drawings from all directions so I can understand the form very well, ) and figure out how they’re juxtaposed, ye. (# yes, I do not have time to do this painting this semester, I just look at these photos everyday, be familiar with these, it helps. ) cool.
 

NO.6 Q: (# I did this sheep-drawing 9 years ago, I think I did not making any progress. I drew much better 9 years ago than now.) en, no, that’s not true. (# this semester, I have animal-drawing from Peter, I notice that I can not draw so well as before.) that happens, sometimes, it cycles, it comes back, don’t worry. It’s very cool. Do you know this drawing? I’ll write down the name, you should look it up. If you look up on the internet, Claudio Bravo drawing sheep, it’s kind of neat, it’s interesting, but anyway. (# I’ll look)

 

NO.7 Q: (# do you mind if I print your drawings into photos and put it together like a small book, so that I can carry?) no, that’s ok. Cool. (# I already mailed all the paperwork to Washington DC, I just wait until they give me answer, next semester maybe I go to the Art Student League, I need a note from you.)  to get into the class? Ye, you know it’s really easy, just before you are ready to go in, just ask me and I’ll write the note and you are in the class, no problem, cool. This looks great. (# this is you, I found this photo from the internet, I think this back looks like you, and the road is art, it’s a tough + lonely road, it’s not easy. And you are inspiration for me.) very neat. (# I read the reference letter, I think, I am not so good as you said, but I’ll try.) oh, no, don’t, don’t be silly. Cool, awesome, this is great, this is a great idea. (# I need you come here again, at the end of the semester, to see everything.) ye, definitely

.

(# this is Dan, he was in New York for 18 years, he came at 26 or 27, just like me, you might meet him during that time. This is when he was a baby. ) And Bruce Lee? Because he came to the United States, or? (# yes, at the beginning it was really difficult, he need to wash the dishes, and … it’s difficult to have respect, but…, you know he wrote diaries about how to do martial art, it’s the same as doing good art, it’s different, but totally the same thing. ) ye. (# this is the movie < the pianist>, all Jews are forced to leave, this just remind me the difficulty + disaster may happen tomorrow, like my hand-accident, I may loose my hand tomorrow, so I have to treasure today to draw. ) very neat. 


 (# this little girl represents me, she is ignorant, but it’s ok, what’s happening, she is ignorant but she is also very self-confident, that’s important. That’s me also, I need to be independent, but…) cool. The last question: (# I notice this portrait is good, but I don’t know how, so I made a copy, but still confusing why it’s good. So tell me what do you think? ) well, I really like her work, Ann Gale, @, so, she is … , it’s kind of that thing we were talking about, in the other room, like the …, when you are dealing with a flat object, and the image, you know, like, in a lot of ways, um, how to explain this, so, you have an image, and you have an object, you see what I mean? Like, you have …，I’ll show you what I mean, oh, no, I don’t know if I have it, no, I don’t have it, ye, I don’t think I have it, look at me, what I do, ye, 找到了一个旧旧的照片 母子连心 so when you have an idea, you have an image, I have a copy, xerox of an image, it would be an image, @? If I have an object, @, that is damaged, you know, and something that ‘s very important, it becomes an object, @? It’s not about the picture, @, because the picture is replaceable now, @, it’s not about the image, image is replaceable, but the object is not replaceable, @? (# say it again.)  ok, an object is not replaceable. ( # what is replaceable?) you can’t get another one, right? If I take this, I put it in my computer, scanned it, I can look at it, and it’s an image, but it’s not an object, you see what I mean? I think what’s interesting about Ann Gale’s works, @, is that she is constantly aware that she is dealing with an object, @, it’s an image, but it’s also an object, that’s flat, @? And so you know, in her stuff, it’s very much an object on a piece of paper, it’s flat, @, it still has imagery, it still has her face and things like that, where as something else, let’s say, it’s awful to try to find a bad one, but, hm, ye, ok, her work is very image based, you know, it’s about the image only, you know? and I think Ann Gale’s work, you are really aware of it being a drawing, @, it has angst, anxiety, fear, @, and the way she is drawing, the expression, and it also is an object, it’s not just an image, you know? A lot of realism becomes more about the image itself, you know, and I think her work is very interesting that way, @? He was my teacher, one of my teachers, Peter Cocks. This one, he is a good example, a lot of his work is really excellent drawing, @, it’s very image, and it almost lacks power, because it’s not an object, you know? It’s not a drawing anymore, it’s almost transcends into something, but … (# I see.) ok.

 

Thank you for the drink too. (# oh, thank you for coming. 巧克力球 this is for your little girl.) oh, ok, thanks. Ok, thank you. I should go. (# yes, of course. He was my favorite. ) oh, Millet? (# oh, ye, about 7 years ago.) 剩了一口牛奶洒了一地 ( ops, I didn’t notice.) all right, see you, thanks, this idea is great, this is going to be really nice, very cool. See you Friday. (yes, see you Friday.) 

​Chapter 9    at the court                                                                                                             

Lulu's home got burned, and the neighbors’ homes, including a new-born baby, died, of the thick smoke. You sexually harassed instructors at Red Block. You use green color, wear green shirt and hat. Is it belong to him? Is it only belong to him? All artists can use any color they want to. You went to J gallery 5 times, and each time, you stay for very long. Yes! I spend entire week drawing a small statue at Met also, and as an art student, it is normal and ok to visit any galleries they like, I went to many other galleries at Chelsea area too. You made copy of his work. Yes, I did, I copied many other artists work also, for learning process. Then, prove me, prove to all of us, you don't love him, say “I Don't love you” to him.  He stand there. Haven't seen him for 2 years, since last time he said: leave …… in the pale-blue shirt, without lines. You look so handsome! I like this shirt! Oh, really?  : )    and the next day, he wear the same shirt. Usually Americans change clothes every day. Lulu look at his face, his eyes, his lips …… and the world start turning, and turning, and turning …… like a turning wooden horse, the entire world no longer exist, only March and Lulu, they hold their hands, and turning …… I love you ♥       people at Jury stunned. Idiot!

 

It’s Miko’s turn, standing in front of the court. So, did she ever told you that she love you, or email, or gift?  Er…… Miko look at the judge, squeeze his right fist, remembering Lulu once said to him:  your long arms and big hands look like an ape. So did she ever told you she love you also? And he has to answer that: yes, she did. But she was a kid, students admire + like their teachers, that’s normal, part of the studying, a young artist learning from his hero, eager to be that person, try to draw as well as him, it’s part of it, and she is just such a cute kid, she copied my work, bring Xin’s book to me, you know, she was trying to give, too, she is like the most eager student I ever had, and she show a sincere love to learn from me, and I understand.

 

Did she ever ask you hug her? Er …… she did. Where? In the museum, upstairs, when she was doing the cast-drawing “Prodigal Son”, I went to see + critique her work, and she gave me a hug. So, she harassed you also. No, that’s not …… Miko even couldn’t say that word. At the end of the semester, she asked you to change her scores to be F, that’s a serious violation. That’s because she want to be in my classroom and learn the anatomy further more. And I did give her A. But how you know that? The HR and High-Heel smiled. But you didn’t report. You are fired. I am sorry, I made you lost that job. He smiling looking into Little One’s eyes and stroke her head: don’t worry about that, don’t worry about that, I wanted to quit long ago. But you didn’t, why? You said that idea cross your mind, and till the end the semester you would leave …… Because you asked me to stay …… oh, Miko ……

 

At the last time he held her hand, at the smoke-spot of the time-capsule, with the red-hair, he noticed Lulu’s right hand, so small, and had a swell on her middle-finger. Oh, this little kid will grow up to become an excellent artist. A couple of students smoking with him, during the break, talking about whether you could call yourself artist if you never sell your artwork, blablablabla, sometimes he feels like his tongue is too long, and he saw Lulu’s back, in that simple white T-shirt, and her small green cloth bag, just left. She just left?! The demo is not done yet, and I am here, and she left …… let’s get in there, people followed him, but he was upset. You told me you would love me forever …… yeah, what I am teaching just rudimentary grammar, and you got bored …… 

 

In the end, you are an artist because you are an artist, not because that teacher of yours. How you draw so well? Who taught you to draw this way? Lulu standing in front, facing her audience, at the opening of her 100 skeleton- series big show: oh, I can’t say his name, I can’t say his name, he doesn’t want me say his name, and I hope people like me as an artist, because you purely like my work, not because I am his student, of course, my work can’t be separated from my teacher’s work to a certain extent, but art is a long + tough + lonely road, I know that my heart is not strong enough, so I need my hero give me light, each time I fall in tears, he always tell me: stand up! Keep drawing! Now I am riding my bike by myself now, but he still watching me, my back can feel his eyes looking at me with encouragement + hope + love almost like Dad.

 

What are you going to do in the afternoon? Oh,  : )  I am going to bring my daughter to Zoo, she never seen …… Me tooooo! Lulu wish she was Hydon’s older sister, at that moment, so she can go to the Zoo tooooo. Hey! Heyyyyyy! Never mind, she did not hear me, rushing the bike with a pink earphone, what is she listening? Lulu was just riding the bike, on the familiar road, which she go back + forth everyday, focus on the content in her ear, without paying attention to passers-by at all. Why? Why that one feels like Miko? So she look back, oh! Really! Oh! It’s Miko! Dingdingdingding ……  she ring the bellllll behind him, and he look back. Hi    : )    at the small triangle platform where 3 roads meet, why are you here? Oh, I am heading to Peter’s animal-drawing class at the Zoo, here, listen, it’s youuuuu …… he was shy to put her pink earphone into his ears, and listening his own voice in the rain. Run! And dear Miko was in that old dry-grass jacket.

 

So she harassed you too! No, I don’t think you can use that word to criticize a kid’s emotion, it’s love, it’s the most beautiful feeling I ever had from a student, he had tear in his eyes, when she printed the little polar-bear etching for me, gave it to me, with my photo on it, and writing: for my great teacher Miko and I love you! That’s the most cute gift I ever received.

 

But she did write in her dairy-sketchbook that she saw your naked body in her dream. Michael look down his shoes, what you want from me? I want your shoes, I want to draw them. He look up again, that’s …… I am a man, and she is …… as a student, or as a young artist, she is human-being after all, and it’s natural to be attracted or have sexual desire, honestly, who hasn’t fantasy sex with a beautiful singer or movie-star? It’s all right. What you imagined or in your dream, not equal to actually happened in reality. She never rude to me, always look at me with respect. And she is pretty …… sometimes it’s hard. But she is my student, take care of her is my work, and my destiny …… too, we never do anything outside the classroom-situation.

 

That’s because you don’t like me, you did take Den to places. No, that’s not true. You never let me go to your studio, and you didn’t tell me when you had a workshop, and people go in and watch you painting the alley with water-reflection. Because you don’t like me. No, that’s because …… I want to see your new work, and want to talk to you about my questions during art-making, it’s so hard, so hard, and I need your help. Yes, I know, little one, you will figure out, and gradually you will have the thinking ability to solve problems in your own art. And I am always here with you. He kissed her forehead.

 

He look at the judge’s cold + cruel eyes: A lot of times, I feel like I am a failure, couldn’t make a living as a great artist, and be forced to teach to pay the rent, to raise my family, but she tell me what I am giving is very meaningful, and I am so excited + happy to see how a little plant growing, and I know, one day, when she already built up great achievement, she will remember me ever taught her when she was young. Yes, Sir, I never forget about you, no matter what I am doing, never forget you, even when flimsy flirting with man, say, cool, the passage of time, oh, wait, I am using Miko’s words, what I am wasting my time here, back to easel!

 

When I see naked women wiping their bodies or wearing bras at the locker-room at the club, I feel so distasteful + annoyed + sick. Couldn’t be fulfilled in the limited marriage, yet couldn’t also, so, turn off the fire, do not want or need, anymore, no, that’s not true, it’s basic physic-need, no, never only mechanical movements, it have to be happened between the deeply in-loved lovers, but, people have different roles in their different reality-situations, and there are invisible fence, in the movie “Das Leben des Anderen” as he holding her dying body in blood, probably that’s the only 2 seconds physical touch he had with her, but he love her, even she never aware his existing at all, but he love her, badly, badly, badly …… it’s my fault …… it’s my fault …… so you will be a poor postman for 20 years if you don’t tell us where the schriben-maschine is, he look at the powerful shit sternly, without saying a word, at that fate-moment, he chose to protect + love her, immer wieder, even if that means + he see the price he has to pay and the difficult situation he has to go through, daily humiliation to human-respect, but that’s all right, that’s all right, I’ll be ok, do anything necessary for you. Is that love? Of course, some love just could never have a chance in reality, but maybe it’s more beautiful because of its eternal + fragile quality. Is that the reason for your drawing “Fence”? more or less   : )   

 

Be cautious about what you are going to lose if you do that, you have been beaten up by breaking the rule, and you should have learnt something from the lesson, so, just curb yourself and put it down, but it will becomes less + less, weaker + weaker, and gradually become a real art-monk, to a level, where you can completely concentrate at cross-hatching with your pencil, and make a good drawing, hopefully, draw as beautiful as Da Vinci, one day, hopefully   : )  He is the great genius of that not repeatable Renaissance time, no one can possibly draw as beautiful as him, but sometimes, you need to push yourself harder, and attempt to do something seems impossible + unattainable, like, can someone swing to 360 degrees a circle? Yes, someone did it! I saw it! Wonderful! Or you feel wonderful while challenge yourself, it’s very important to have a good aim, something truly great + heroic + sublime, so you won’t lost in foul + petty + chaotic things, watch your mind, get along with the tiger on the boat, be self-disciplined, and working all the time, and so you won’t be tortured by nightmares during sleep either.

 

Yes, be a great artist, no, that’s not right, that’s too ambitious, you should not think about fame at all, just draw, like a child, who cares --- the world not care at all what he is drawing or whether it’s good or bad, so why he is doing that? People only have one nostril    : )    I wish I could draw so funny + happy like that forever. Maybe, maybe, idiot, you could never make a good drawing, idiot, you even don’t understand why Dan say your work is good, no, I will, one day, my brain-reaction is slow, but I will get it, through my own hard-working, my drawing talk to me, you know, it talk to me, if you listen very carefully, it tell me what to do by itself, and teach me something I could never knew or could never arrive, or a sonate, a violin piece, or the waving shadows on the wooden floor, or …… really, anything, anything you see + hear + feel, if you are quiet + humble enough, it helps you draw better, and you are just so appreciative and just follow your feelings, no, that’s not the right word, follow the little moments, beautiful + simple, or complex + confusing + disturbing, everything you experienced is part of your art, yes, one day, I will be able to draw a really really good drawing, and be clear aware + understand why it’s good. You are doing very well, Ying, keep working. 加油！Ok, I will, and you too.

 

Many years later, Lulu visit Miko at that old classroom, Miko still teaching figure-drawing-anatomy, white hair, a mild old man, and she hug him, and he almost couldn’t recognize or remember who is this, until she show him the little pinky MP3 recorder, with his little photo on her right hand, dear Miko, now I draw as beautiful as Da Vinci now, but why I still feel like it’s meaningless + empty, you said you would tell me ……

 

It's the noon time, very crowded and noisy, he frowned his eyebrow. A green hat, oh, Lulu! She was on the phone, both Miko and March said I should choose painting department. He walked by, without talking to her. If you love me, you should love me only! I don't want to share your love with anyone else! He got angry. He entered the staircase, where they …… they …… l'll let you know how it feels like without me! So he went to the office, and told them, he is going to absent for one year. He is coming back next semester! Brian said. Really? Next? Next next. Oh …… and it's a blue MP3, with 6 songs in it, 玻璃箱子. It's for you, Lulu said, softly.

 

Black Wing put a pencil extending tool on the table, next to the cubes. Peter is teaching classical perspective with cubes. Lulu ignored it. Her ignorance made Black Wing angry. She is so young, so beautiful, so cute, and she draws so well. I want to make friends with her. May I talk to you for a second? Sure. I like to draw …… How about, you bring some photos of your work, and we talk next time, ok?  So she brought some photos, dirty pigeons on dirty road. Lulu glanced at it, lost interest, and just left. Black Wing felt be humiliated, and decided to punish her. I'll ruin you! You ignore me, so I'll hurt you with what you love.

 

Ca is 18, long long hair, easy to be influenced by people's opinions, because she hasn't formed her own yet. Black Wing look at her sketchbook diary, praised her talent, she is happy. What she need? What she need? She is lonely, she need warmth from friends. So pretend to be her friend, and find out what she love. ok. So they went to Chinatown to have lunch together. It was nice. I am attached to David at the admission-office. She look through me! He said I am talented! He is so handsome!   Lulu laughed. Yes, you are, very talented and beautiful. But probably he says the same to every possible new comer. That's his job to attract applier, even with his personal charm. What do you like? I like to draw. I know. Your drawing is beautiful! Who do you like? Miko?    : )    no, he is not my type. I like Irish-style, brown golden hair, blue eyes, sunny smile, in jeans and white shirt  : )    oh, who is it?    : )    oh, I can't tell you.

 

One day, Lulu was sitting on the ground, against the fence, holding a stack of books, including one Ann Galle. Why is it good? She attracts me, but I couldn't figure out why. Could you tell me the reason? Yeah, we were classmates. Maybe because it's flat. Lulu watched his back, disturbing, his back, his back ……  Ca, Mika, Nar …… many people there, at the entrance. Oh, I see: she like George! Let's destroy her with what she care. That's the sharpest weapon.

 

Scapula, clavicle, ulna …… Lulu touching the ribs of the skeleton in John's classroom. Hey, Lulu, the still-life classroom is open! So she went there. You know, you are doing wrong! The ribcage is a box! You should draw a box! And you should draw with charcoal! John, Black Wing said I am doing wrong …… No, you are all right     : )      you are all right. And you are learning fast! And John told all the students, in his classroom, to draw the inner skeleton at the cast-hall. Lulu put it in heart, didn't realize it could influence her art in future. And it's always pleasure talking to you. John, do you think, I should leave? I already be able to draw so well by myself, I should be independent. Wow, I can't decide for you. But are you leaving? I don't know …… 

 

Are you going to be here for 6 years? I think so   : )     I don't know. Lulu start imagine, she and March be here until their hair white. What he looks like, when he is a small old man? With a little bit curved back, and slightly curved legs. At that time, she did feel like she belong to this place, belong to the cast-hall. Are you going to be here in 2 years? I don't know, too long to think   : ) 

      

You left me there! You left me there! If you return back to me, and you will never need to leave again…… but Lulu already broken into pieces to the deep deep deep valley.  Do you know how much scared I felt when I pushed you down? <the book-thief> if you know what I mean. Help me March! He heard her voice, while pushing her down the precipice. At that moment, he just realized what he lost is …… is …… come back …… come back …… she trust me even I ……

 

Look at her! Look at her! March was holding a whole stack of picture books, Lulu pushed down. Is it heavy?    : )       is it heavy?   So she went into the still-life cage, he locked the door. Let me out! Let me out! Have a good weekend! The wooden active mannequin was watching. Hug me ……  he went towards the men's room. Want to come in?  Noooooo.

 

Someone changed my locks of my lockers. 33 75 84 …… I love deer. Some tiny passwords. Aren't you curious what inside his locker? Lulu seek for it, even went to the men's room. It's ashamed! Some green paint on his locker. What does she have in her locker? What she have in her computer? Does she have my photo to be the desktop? And he found his lost jacket. Yeah, it's here. Lulu look left, and then, look right, no body, she put it on, oh …… and she never return it to him. And whenever she miss him, she wear his jacket. At State College, he came into her dream, once, in jeans, he works as a road worker, with sweat on his cheek. Lulu almost couldn't recognize him anymore, but she knew that's him. I thought I have forgotten about you, but you just sneak into my heart again. Who harass who! She never use that word, but every single word is expressing how much she like him. Two security guys talking while they walking by Lulu's locker. Lulu was drawing the cityscape --- Peter's perspective class homework, with her red bike against the wall, next to the elevator. The door opened. George, High Heel, Gill, Owl, many many people in it. It is nice. Yes, very very nice. I should return this to you     : )     shyyyyyyyyy     March! Wait! What?        : )         burry it with leaves. Ok, I will take good care of it.

Chapter 10    the Stranger    

                                                                                                    

November 29, about The Stranger and Camus
Big Eyes: So tell me what your questions are.

Lulu: Just generally, what do you think? What do you think about existentialism, what do you know about this book and this writer? 

Big Eyes: It's been a long time since I've read the book, but at one point in my life, I knew it pretty well. When I was your age I studied existentialism in college...so I know a little bit about existentialism. 

Lulu: I'm sure you know better than me. Haha

Big Eyes: And that's an interesting thing to think about, because existentialism is a very western idea. So I imagine that for someone from China.... 

Lulu: Western idea, from western culture... 

Big Eyes: From western culture 

Lulu: Ok 

Big Eyes: It's very much rooted in the western notion of the individual, and in western culture, the individual is the highest thing. And I know, in Chinese culture, for example, things like family, mother and father, group, ancestors, all of those kind of things are very important. So in many ways I think you're going to find that existentialism for you, might be a hard idea to wrap your head around. And this story, what Camus is talking about in this book, is, he's not saying that the hero of the book is a good person, and he is not saying that this is what this person should have done, but he's also not saying that this person is a bad person. 

Lulu: He's not judging him. 

Big Eyes: He's not judging him. What he's saying is that this is what a human being is. And a human being is someone who is lost, and is searching for a way, and maybe he is making mistakes along the way. You know, existentialism has a history, that this is only one little piece of the history. So existentialism starts in 19th century western culture as a kind of religious idea, and by the time it gets to Camus, there's no religious ideas in Camus at all. You, know, western religion believes very much, again, in the individual. That the choices that we make as a person, or as a 'child of god' in a religious tradition. 

Lulu: That is the religious part about existentialism? 

Big Eyes: Of existentialism, yes, and it's important to understand that, that the religious roots of behavior kind of open the door for existentialism. One way to think about it is, you know the story of Adam and Eve? You don't know the story of Adam and Eve?

Lulu: Maybe I know, but I don't know the name.

 

Big Eyes: Ok

Lulu: Tell me, tell me that.

 

Big Eyes: Christians and Jews and western thought believe that God created man, right and woman. He had them in the Garden of Eden, have you heard of that? I'm sure …

 

Lulu: The Garden of Eden? Ahhh..

 

Big Eyes: I'm sure you've seen paintings of Adam and Eve and the apple … yes. And so God gave them a perfect world, and said – Just live in this world, and said there's only one rule, don't break one rule. Do you remember what the rule was?

 

Lulu: Don't touch the apples

 

Big Eyes: Right, don't touch the apples.

 

Lulu: The forbidden..

 

Big Eyes: The forbidden fruit. And Eve picked the forbidden fruit, and Adam ate the forbidden fruit. They were cast out the garden, and that meant man had to suffer forever, because they broke God's covenant, they broke the rule. So existentialism in a way, grew out of this tradition – why do we suffer, why does man have to suffer, why is life so hard, why is life unfair. And for a long time they accepted a kind of religious belief. But by the time you get to Camus, Camus believes that life is suffering, that we live in a world without hope, because there is no God, and we live without fear.

 Lulu: He doesn't believe in God.

Big Eyes: No... well, I... that's my reading, I could be wrong.

Lulu: Sure, no problem. I want to know your view.

Big Eyes: And so what happens in this book, do you remember how this book begins?

Lulu: Yes.

Big Eyes: Mother died yesterday or maybe the day before .. I forget what the first sentence is...

Lulu: It's a telegram.

Big Eyes: Yes. “Mama died today or yesterday maybe, I don't know” In a sense, you can see the whole book in that one sentence, or those three sentences. Here is a man who has lost touch with his mother. She maybe died yesterday, she maybe died today, he doesn't know, he's lost, and the whole book in a sense, is this exploration of him being lost. Why does he kill that man on the beach?

Lulu: Because the sun is bright, and because the sunshine is coming there.

Big Eyes: Right, which doesn't make any sense, right?

Lulu: There's no obvious reason why he did that.

Big Eyes: Right. Why do you think he did that?

Lulu: He just did it. He just did it.

Big Eyes: And he's punished.

Lulu: That's ridiculous, because the judge and everybody tried to find the connection between why he killed this man and what he did that day when his mom died.

Big Eyes: Right.

Lulu: He swim with a woman, sleep with a woman, everything seems it has nothing to do with this, but..

Big Eyes: Right

Lulu: It's trying to say, this is a really bad man.

 Big Eyes: Right.

Lulu: But for him, it has nothing to do with that.

Big Eyes: Right, yes, what do you think? Is he a bad man?

Lulu: No.

Big Eyes: No?

Lulu: For him, I think, there are two worlds going on at the same time. Your inside, what you feel, this is a world. And outside, what's happening in the surroundings, all the other people. Two things, two worlds, going parallel at the same time.

Big Eyes: Yes.

Lulu: It has nothing to do between the two, but both are real.

Big Eyes: Yes.

Lulu: And this one even more real, and that one.. it's real, but it's not real.

Big Eyes: Yes that's a good way to look at it!

Lulu: Everything's true, but everything's not true.

Big Eyes: Right, yes, I think you've hit the nail on the head with that one. What do you think he thinks of himself?

Lulu: Weak.

Big Eyes: You think he sees himself as weak?

Lulu: I think he's weak. He's not brave to look inside his own eyes. He's not brave enough to face what he really feels. For example, his love to the woman Marie, he loves that woman.

Big Eyes: You think?

Lulu: But he doesn't want to admit...

Big Eyes: Ok

Lulu: … and he doesn't want to believe that's true. He needs that woman. He needs the love but be hates feeling he needs that. He wants to be independent, but he can't do that totally, and he's a little bit angry and anxious about it.

Big Eyes: Yes, and if he could love her, if he could admit it to himself that he loves her, maybe all these terrible things wouldn't have happened to him, right? But I think that you're right. I think the fact that he can't commit, he can't find a way, you know he's sort of lost, and that allows different things to happen to him. Do you think he hated the man he killed?

Lulu: No, not at all.

Big Eyes: Not at all? Was he afriad of him?

Lulu: A little bit.

Big Eyes: And how did he feel about his mother, do you know?

Lulu: He loves his mother a lot.

Big Eyes: I mean there are some ways you can look at this novel and say, well...

Lulu: Chapter 1 he said, “ I want to see my mom right away”, but until he arrived there and people asked him, do you want to see her, he said no. He wants that, but if people ask and if people touch where it hurts, he will pretend …. I don't care.

Big Eyes: Ok, yeah I think that's a good way to look at it too. Yes, and I think that these are ideas that are embedded in existentialism. You know I think that the existentialists believe that people, especially in the 20th century western european in this case culture, had lost their way. You have to remember that this novel is written right after World War II. Has the teacher talked at all about the historical context of the novel?

Lulu: No.

Big Eyes: Ok.

Lulu: He just gives me this question and asked me to find the answer myself.

Big Eyes: Do you have a question?

Lulu: A lot of questions but not …

Big Eyes: Did he give them to you written down? No. Who is your teacher?

Lulu: I can't say his name.

Big Eyes: Well, think about for a moment of when this novel came out. It was after World War II, Camus had lived through World War II, and in many ways, people in Europe were especially traumatized by the war. Because it seemed as though western european culture was building brick by brick, you know, think about Renaissance art and then Baroque art, and Beethoven and Mozart and whatever. It seemed there was this culture that was producing very beautiful stuff and a very beautiful way of life. And then along came World War II, when suddenly this culture turned on itself. You know the German, you can blame the German army and the Japanese army, but really it was Europe turning on itself. Germans killing Germans, they may have called them Jews, but it was basically, the world had turned on itself. So the people in Europe, they were like the hero of this novel. I think you're right, they were feeling as though they had betrayed themselves and betrayed their ideals.

Lulu: What is betrayed?

Big Eyes: Went against, or like a traitor. So they had felt they had this tradition of humanism, of Christianity, of caring, of building, and all of a sudden it as all wiped out, because millions and millions of people had died in World War II. People had died in concentration camps, all of these tremendously inhumane things had happened. And they didn't know what to think, why did we do this? Even in France, who we think of as an ally, had turned against its own people. This novel which is set in Algeria which was a French colony at the time, you have to remember there was about to be a civil war there too as well. France had created a colony in north Africa, they were taking money out of the colony. The people in north Africa were very poor, and France was benefitting from keeping these people very poor, almost like a slave situation. And the people, the Algerians, the arabs that we see here, they people that they killed, they were about to go to war with France, so underneath this novel too, is that tension of the French people living there, they had lived all their lives there, they considered themselves African in some ways, but they were also afraid of these people, the arabs. Kind of like Israel and Hamas today. They were afraid of these people, in some ways they hated these people, didn't understand them, it was a completely different culture, it was a Muslim culture, an eastern culture in many ways. So in some ways, this is a novel you can almost look at it as a novel about racism. That he saw this young man, he didn't understand the young man coming at him. The sun was blinding him in his eyes, but why did he kill this man? He killed this man because he felt threatened by him. Why did he feel threatened by him? Because he wasn't white like he was. You know he was an arab, and he was afraid of that man on some deep level. Maybe you're right, maybe he couldn't admit that to himself either, maybe he was a little bit afraid of recognizing in himself that kind of hatred.

Lulu: Hatred?

Big Eyes: Hatred, yeah.

Lulu: What is hatred?

Big Eyes: To hate someone. The opposite of love. So he was afraid of that feeling, you know the intense kind of hatred within himself.

Lulu: Do you think he loves his mother?

Big Eyes: That's a good question... yes.... I... yes... you know and in some ways, again. You could read the novel about a son's trauma...

Lulu: What is trauma?

Big Eyes: You know like a traumatic experience, when something really terrible happens.

Lulu: Like when someone died.

Big Eyes: Yeah, or you get beat up, or...  I'm sure you've heard the word, or seen the word. Trauma?

Lulu: No.

Big Eyes: It's when something very bad happens to you, like you're assaulted or someone died.

Lulu: Assaulted? What's that?

Big Eyes: Beat up

Lulu: OK

Big Eyes: Or someone close to you dies, all of those can be traumatic experiences, a conflict, you know, anything like that. A fight can be traumatic.

Lulu: Something terrible.

Big Eyes: Exactly, something terrible. And it's the feeling after something terrible happens to you. You know that feeling like 'Ohhhh' ...

Lulu:  I'm dying

Big Eyes: Yes, right, exactly. That's trauma. In a sense we can read this novel as a novel of trauma. You know, something terrible happened to this man, he lost his mother. He's not able to express what he feels for his mother, and then he's not able to express love toward this woman, maybe because he couldn't express how he felt about his mother? Which then he can't express how he felt about the young man who was coming at him in the blinding sun when it was really hot. We don't know, you know, Camus doesn't want us to know. He doesn't want us to have an easy answer. This is not like a mystery novel where you can solve it and say, well this happened, because this happened, because this happened.

Lulu: It's confusing.

Big Eyes: Right, he wants you to be confused, because if you're confused, you'll keep thinking about it.

Lulu: That's the rule, he wants to play this game this way.

Big Eyes: Right, right. So that you don't quite know what happened.  And again, part of this... you know, you asked about existentialism. Part of this is what existentialism believes. Do you know the story of Abraham and Isaac, from the bible? Have you ever seen a painting about Abraham and Isaac?

Lulu: Killed

Big Eyes: Right, his son

Lulu: Yeah, at the time he's going to kill his son, an angel fly here, and he's saved.

Big Eyes: Right, and saved the son. Right. Why was he going to kill his son?

Lulu: Because God told him to do so.

Big Eyes: Right.

Lulu: He dreamed since God told me to do so, I will do it.

Big Eyes: Right, and for existentialism, early existentialism when they believed in God, that's a very important story, because that story, for existentialists explains western religion. Because, what is your one duty toward your child, for every person, what should you do for your child? If you had a baby, what would you do for your baby?

Lulu: Love the baby.

Big Eyes: Right, and your one duty toward the baby would be what?

Lulu: Take care of him and raise him.

Big Eyes: Right. So the parent's duty towards the child is to care for the child, love the child, protect the child. Abraham loved his child, and yet he was going to kill his child. He was going to go against everything a parent should do.

Lulu: That means he loves God more than his child.

Big Eyes: Right, and for existentialism, that's one of the keys to understanding religion. When you do what you should not do, when you go against everything you believe for a higher reason, a mysterious reason, because you believe in God.

Lulu: Mysterious, what is that?

Big Eyes: A reason that doesn't make sense, it's senseless.

Lulu: You mean you don't understand it....

Big Eyes: You don't understand it. Not only do you not understand it, but it's wrong, right? Killing your child is wrong.

Lulu: But if God wants me to do so...

Big Eyes: Yes, and that paradox is the heart of existentialists belief in religion. That if you do something that doesn't make any sense, that's a religious feeling. Yes, because you can't explain it any other way. The only way you can explain Abraham killing his son is through religion. Because no one would kill their son, right? So what he does here, you can't understand it, right? Why would he kill a stranger? It doesn't make any sense, right?

Lulu: Because the arab followed him all day long. He was together with the other neighbor they were together and the arab followed them at the bus station and at the coast, at the beach, behind the big stone. So the arab, it seems like kind of frightened to them. They appeared several times. So the hero felt scared, and he felt afraid of that. What is going to come to him, it will finally come to you sooner or later, and you can't escape, you have to face it. What are you going to do? Fight... or escape.

Big Eyes: Right. Why didn't he escape?

Lulu: There is no outcome, you can't escape at all.

Big Eyes: Really? Couldn't he have gone home, or ran away?

Lulu: What is going to happen will finally come to you.

Big Eyes: You believe that? See, I would believe that he could have run away, you know, he could have escaped, but he didn't, he killed the person.

Lulu: So what do you think. Why do you think he killed the arab?

Big Eyes: I don't think we can know … I don't think there's a way to know. I think if this happened tomorrow, he would have done something different. And then if it had happened the next day, he would have done something different, and I think that's what Camus wants us to know, is that at that moment, he killed the arab, but tomorrow, he would have gone home. And another day, he might have fought the arab, but not killed him, and another day, something else would have happened.

Lulu: Always unsure ...

Big Eyes: Right

Lulu: And it's kind of suffocation, when it comes to you just face to face, really close, you have to fight.

Big Eyes: Or not.

Lulu: haha, ok

Big Eyes: I think Camus wants you to see that... or wants you to be troubled. He wants you, when you're reading the book to feel like ….Why, why did you kill this person! All of this terrible stuff that's going to happen to you, you could have stopped it by NOT killing this person. Why did you kill him? And he almost wants you to feel suffocated yourself, because you don't understand why this is happening to this person. It doesn't make sense. And I think the real core of this book is like, we can't understand him, but at the same time, we do understand him, right? You do feel that suffocation, you do feel like he has to fight, you do feel like it's inevitable, that's the way you read it.

Lulu: Inevitable?        Big Eyes: Inevitable, yeah that means it must happen.

Lulu: Ok. I'm familiar with Part I, and Part II is about what happened in prison and the courtyard. Could yu please talk about Part II?

Big Eyes: That part, I don't remember as well either.

Lulu: I listened to the recordings of Part I about 15 times, but Part II only one time.

Big Eyes: Oh, ok ummm.... Yeah Part II is really about the suffering … right? He's trapped in the prison...

Lulu: He talked about cigarettes. In Part I, he smoked a lot, many times, but in the prison they don't allow him to smoke, so at the beginning it was really uncomfortable if you can't smoke.

Big Eyes: Ok

Lulu: After a while, he's used to that, so he could get used to anything.

Big Eyes: The ending is very important too. That last conversation he has with the chaplain, do you remember that part?

Lulu: No.

Big Eyes: The chaplain comes in to see him, you know what the chaplain is … like a priest. Yes, yes, the chaplain comes to see him and wants him to recognize that he had sinned, that he had done something bad. Beyond what the court said, beyond the justice.... you know... his sentence, that he had done something bad. And it becomes this kind of conversation of 'Well I broke the rules of man, and man is punishing me', by condemning me, and the chaplain wants him to say, 'But you've also broken the law of God, that you have sinned', and he can't get a recognition ...

Lulu: What's recognition?

Big Eyes: To know, or to admit.

Lulu: Ok

Big Eyes: So, he won't admit that he has sinned. He doesn't understand that there is a difference between what happens on earth, and what happens in the divine world of God. He has no religious belief. And the chaplain is trying to help him, and is extending this kind of hand of love and friendship and care and concern. But he can't understand that because he doesn't have that religious feeling. So he doesn't know what he's done wrong to God, that he has killed one of God's creatures. And I think that the ending is like the rest of the book. It's very ambiguous where he says, 'The chaplain was crying, his eyes were full of tears, then he turned and disappeared. With him gone I was able to calm down again. I was exhausted and threw myself on my bunk. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up with stars in my face. Sounds of the countryside were drifting in, smells of night, earth and salt air were cooling my temples. The wondrous peace of that sleeping summer flowed through me like a tide. Then in the dark hour before dawn, sirens blasted. They were announcing departures for a world that now and forever meant nothing to me.“

So, at the end, he's laying on his bed, he wakes up and he feels good. He's a human being. It's nice, he sees the stars, he feels good like you do on a beautiful night, right? Then he hears the train whistle, the sirens blast that they were announcing departures for a world that now and forever meant nothing to me. So he hears the bells going off for morning, trains leaving the station … whatever, and he realizes that all of that world is gone for him. Everyone else is getting up, they're going on with their lives, they're going to work, they're going to see their friends, they're falling in love, but all that is over for him, he's alone.   “For the first time in a long time, I thought about Mama”.   So at this moment, now, when he realizes he's lost life, he's stunned. He thinks about his mother.

“I felt as if I understood why at the end of her life, she had taken a fiancé, why she had played at beginning again. Even there in that home where lives were fading out, evening was a kind of wistful respite. So close to death, Mama must have felt free then and ready to live it all again. Nobody, nobody had the right to cry over her, and I felt ready to live it again, as if that blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.”

Which is a great sentiment. What he's saying is that he's lost hope, and in losing hope, and he realizes, well his mother, when she was getting old and in the nursing home and whatever, she had found a boyfriend. Which seems kind of crazy. Why would someone who is old and dying, why would she want to have a boyfriend? But, she was just expressing her life, and then he realizes, well that's ok, you know that that's.....

Lulu: And his mother had a very good friend, inseparable friend.

Big Eyes: Right, and so he realizes that whatever he has done, he could become … he could start over again too. He's at the end of his life, but he can start over again too. That even if he's got only a day to live, he can begin his life again. So in a sense he's like a baby, and he uses the phrase which is very important...   “The gentle indifference of the world”   Which I think in some ways is sort of the key to the whole book. Because if you think that the world is indifferent to you …

Lulu: Indifferent?

Big Eyes: It doesn't care about you. How does that make you feel?

Lulu: Cold.

Big Eyes: Cold. But he says 'gentle indifference' which makes it seem ...

Lulu: It seems like the wind comes ...

Big Eyes: Friendly.

Lulu: Yeah, you can feel it, but it's not so close. You feel detached, but you also need the warm. A little bit, not too crowded.

Big Eyes: So he realizes that the world doesn't care about him, that he has no place in it, in a sense he's about to leave the world, it doesn't care about him, but that's ok, its gentle indifference. It's not hostile or angry with him, it's gentle indifference. It doesn't care whether he's good or bad, it doesn't care whether he killed someone or loved someone. It's just the world.

Lulu: Gentle, this word appeared several times in the before(?) Not this word, I mean what he feels, gentle, like the wind in the night, the wind from the window come, blowing on my body, and the sunshine is warm. The afternoon of his mother's funeral, the afternoon sunshine came in and I fell asleep, and the sun when he swam in the sea. The water was warm and comfortable, and the sand is really soft and warm.

Big Eyes: Right, yes. So the world has that beautiful side to it, that gentle side, that comforting side.

Lulu: But this is nature, not people.

Big Eyes: Yeah, that's true, yeah. And then the next sentence:

“Finding it, so much like myself, the world is like him, indifferent”

You know it's gentle, but it's indifferent.

“So like a brother really. I felt that I had been happy, and that I was happy again. For everything to be consummated, for me to feel less alone, I'd only to wish there would be a large crowd of spectators the day of my execution, and that they greet me with cries of hate.

 Lulu: He needs. He's needing, actually.

Big Eyes: People?

Lulu: He needs warmth and love and concern from other people, but he doesn't want to face that. He doesn't want to admit – I need that. At the time he fell in love with the woman, at the time he found he loved his mother, he's anxious and a little bit nervous.

Big Eyes: Yes, good! That's a good insight. But why does he want them to hate … to scream ... why  does he want them to hate him when he's being executed?

Lulu: He always feels a little bit guilty, he blames himself a little bit, and regret a little bit.

Big Eyes: Right

Lulu: It seems like if I have another chance, I will treat my mother better. If I have another chance, I will treat that woman better.

Big Eyes: Ok, good. I think you have a really good understanding of the book. Have you written anything?

Lulu: Writing?

Big Eyes: Yes. You have to write and essay, right?

Lulu: I wrote two, but it's at a beginning level. I haven't used the dictionary yet, so there are a lot of new words here. I just keep listening to the recording to have the whole story coming, or whole.

Big Eyes: It seems like you have a good understanding of the story.

Lulu: I already have this idea inside me before I read this, before I knew this idea named existentialism.

Big Eyes: Existentialism...really?

Lulu: I already __. I have a question for you.  At his mother's funeral, there was a nurse, the nurse had no nose and a bandage covered her face. Do you know that?

Big Eyes: I don't remember that.

Lulu: And the nurse looked so ugly, but her voice is really really beautiful. I find it.... One question. Do you remember one of his neighbors has a dog.

Big Eyes: Yes

Lulu: What do you think, the neighbor and his dog?

Big Eyes: What do I think they mean? Hmmmm … can you find the piece?

Lulu: Yes, I want to find the nurse.

Big Eyes: Ok

Lulu: The old man need to run the dog every day. About the nurse: she had a remarkable voice, which didn't go with her face at all. Melodies....quarreling voice, she said, “ If you go slowly, you risk getting sunstroke. If you go slowly, you work up a sweat and then catch a chill inside the church.” I like the sentence behind it, “There is no way out.” It seems like a room, there's no outcome, you can't come out.

Big Eyes: Yes. Oh this is all during the funeral, right? The procession, right?

Lulu: He's walking with the nurse together.

Big Eyes: And Perez, right.

Lulu: The last day, beautiful, sunshine... beautiful. And at that moment the thought that enters him is 'Mom', a little bit.

Big Eyes: Yes, oh yeah, so what's your question about the nurse?

Lulu: What do you think of her words?

Big Eyes: I think it's exactly what you're saying. It that... in some ways, no matter what we do, in any case, there's not a right – or a wrong thing to do, and either you can feel trapped by that, or you can feel freed by that. So.... and I think that Camus, also in some ways, it's almost like a joke, he's having a little bit of fun. What she's saying is like “Well, if you go too fast, then you get sweaty, hot, and then your sweat will cool you off, you'll get a chill inside the church. If you go too slow, the sun is going to beat down on you, and your going to get sunstroke.” Anyway...

Lulu: You have to suffer

Big Eyes: And there is a joke, there's a saying that people say, like, “I can't win for losing”, have you ever heard that expression?

Lulu: Say that again.

Big Eyes: 'I can't win for losing.'

Lulu: 'I can't win for losing.'

Big Eyes: Right, and I can't tell you what sense that makes.

Lulu: It says to me... Any way, you lose the game.

Big Eyes: Right exactly.

Lulu: Even though you win it, actually you lose it.

Big Eyes: Right. Have you ever heard of Murphy's law? It's a joke, really.

Lulu: Tell me.

Big Eyes: Murphy's law is: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Lulu: Can you please write?

Big Eyes: It's not a serious thing, it's just a joke, but “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”

Lulu: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong...

Big Eyes: “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.” Which means, if it is possible for something bad to happen, something bad will happen.

Lulu: Ok.

Big Eyes: Which is another way of saying, bad thing always happen.

Lulu:  The apple...the apple, the forbidden apple is so delicious and attractive. Everybody wants it, even though it's forbidden. Actually, maybe the apple is not so delicious as other apples, maybe the same. But just because it's forbidden, I want it just because it's forbidden.

Big Eyes: Right, right.

Lulu: You almost can't avoid it.

Big Eyes: That's Murphy's law. It just a joke, but it's something that people say. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Lulu: What do you think about this sentence?

Big Eyes: Well, it's not true, some things can go right in life, don't you think?

Lulu: Yeah...

Big Eyes: Some small things... small things go right sometimes. No?

Lulu: You confuse me, haha

Big Eyes: What I'm saying is that I don't think Murphy's Law is true, but it expresses something about people. Like as people, we often feel like everything is going wrong all of the time, right? Isn't that true? Just in general, don't you think that sometimes people think everything's going wrong. No?

Lulu: Yes.

Big Eyes: Yes you do?

Lulu: I regret every day.

Big Eyes: Really? Everything?

Lulu: No, I don't care about so many things, just care about one thing: my drawing, but I regret my decision.

Big Eyes: What decision?

Lulu: When I was 22, no 21, at the time I graduated from the art academy in Beijing for four years, the same as this school here, and at that time, I need to make a decision. I choose my art, or I choose by boyfriend, and it's a painful decision. And I chose my art, and I found a husband. If I can't marry him, anybody the same, no difference. I just stay here to be my husband. So for me, I married my drawing and I'm so happy with this decision because it's the meaning I live, but I regret every day.

Big Eyes: Really?

Lulu: If I have a chance, if I could go back to 21 years old....

Big Eyes: You would make a different choice?

Lulu: Of course.

Big Eyes: That's very sad.

Lulu: So, it doesn't make sense, but it's true. It seems exactly what you said, everything's wrong.

Big Eyes: Right, hmmm

Lulu: That person, it happened to me when I was 14 or 15, the age ... the first time....

Big Eyes: You fall in love...

Lulu: And it's really real and really happy, and we were together until I was 21. At the time, I knew I loved art, I love drawing more than anything else, more than anybody else. So I chose drawing. Maybe I'm wrong.

Big Eyes: Well, but, the other way to look at it is, if you had chosen that path of choosing the boy would you be...

Lulu: I would just be a normal woman, have a baby, or two children, be a good wife, be a sweet mother.

Big Eyes: But when you...you could also then – not having pursued art, couldn't that poison your life as well?

Lulu: I can't do two things. Art takes 99% of my time. Super selfish. haha

Big Eyes: Well either way, we're selfish, right? Look at it as an existentialist, right?

Lulu: You can't say it's right or wrong, it's just because I love drawing, so I do it.

Big Eyes: Right.

Lulu: It's hopeless. It is hopeless.

Big Eyes: Either one is hopeless though.

Llu: No, no, that boy is not so important as my drawing, so it's ok.

Big Eyes: Ok, hmmm, interesting.

Lulu: Do you think... the question about the dog, I found it. If you read this paragraph here... The old man ran the dog every day, but he would say “Stinky bastard” They lived together for 8 years, and then they began to hate each other, so the man beat the dog every day.

Big Eyes: Oh

Lulu: And then the dog would cry.

Big Eyes: Oh yeah, yeah

Lulu: Then one day, they go out to the street and the old man was looking at a show and the dog ran away. The necklace, become too big and too loose, so the dog took it off and escaped.  And the old man tried to find the dog back, and he couldn't and he cried.

Big Eyes: The old man cried. Yes.

Lulu: There was a pound, maybe they'll find the dog. I need to pay a fee and they give your dog back.

Big Eyes: Yes.

Lulu: For 3 days, the old man didn't go. He said “Oh pay for that, go to hell, die”. After that, he tried to find the dog, but it's too late.

Big Eyes: Yes, Oh that's a great story, right, because again, that's the human condition, the human condition, you know?

Lulu: Say that again.

Big Eyes: That's the human condition, that what being a human is. Here is this man with this dog that he hates, right? He's always angry with the dog, he beats the dog. And when he loses the dog, it becomes a traumatic event for him.

Lulu: Traumatic?

Big Eyes: Now he misses the dog, right?

Lulu: He hates that, he hates himself for missing the dog.

Big Eyes: I don't know, or he just missed his dog, right? That he didn't realize what he had with the dog until the dog was gone, and he wanted the dog back, but he couldn't get the dog. And again, that's Camus saying, it's very hard as a human being, to be perfectly happy. That part of being a human, is you will always have within you happiness, but also regret. It's kind of like your story, you know, it's like if you have this choice between art and love, and you choose art, you will always miss love. But if you choose love, you would always miss art. So you can't win, right? And that our lives that we live, are always.... that's to be human, you know, all of us feel that way, all of the time. That we're balanced on this scale, if you will. When we put one thing on one side of the scale, and then it goes like this... and then we have to put something on the other side of the scale. So we'll never … as human beings, we cannot know happiness or peace or contentment, or satisfaction.

Lulu: The old man, he didn't know he needed his dog, until he lost it. He didn't try __ when he __, he started missing it. Until you start missing it, you don't know you needed it or love it. But the reason I can feel here why he abused the dog, he hit the dog and swear very bad things to it, when together with it. It seems like he wants the dog back. If the dog cried, it seems like that brings him a little bit happy.

Big Eyes:Oh, really?

Lulu: I don't know, but he keeps doing so, it seems like he doesn't care if the dog cried. Anyway, he's always there, he saw the dog was always there.

Big Eyes: Right, yes, yeah, and I think that why this story … in some ways it's a very sad story, it's a very touching story because ...

Lulu: Touching?    

Big Eyes: Touching, yes it's ….. yeah the... If you look at the story from, you know, turn the story around and look at it from the other side... If he had loved the dog, and he was nice to the dog, and then he lost the dog and he was sad, that's one story. But it's a more interesting story, and it's a more human story if he was mean to the dog, and then he lost the dog, and then he was sad.

Lulu: Maybe he won't be sad, but actually he will.

Big Eyes: He will, yeah. And you know, it's a bit of a surprise (excuse me just a minute)

Lulu: The hero, Meursault, is very sensitive about tears, about crying. At the funeral, mom's best friend, the woman again, crying, but for him it's really annoying and he wished he didn't hear that, but he didn't say anything. So for him actually, maybe he's crying inside, but he didn't have tears. His appearance pretends nothing happened, but he's really sad. When he looked, when he saw this woman crying in font of him. Its hurting his nerves, you see what I mean?

Big Eyes: Yeah, yes, yes! Maybe... in some ways you can read this whole book as like a story of a man and his dog, and the hero, Meursault is in some ways like the old man.  Meursault seems very angry, he's mad, he's cursing life all of the time. He doesn't seem to be happy, he kills someone. It doesn't seem like he likes life or he deserves to be alive even.

Lulu: He kissed the woman when they swam together in the water.... he was really happy

Big Eyes: He kissed the woman, right, right. And then at the end of the book, he's very happy when he realizes he's going to be killed. He trying to find some peace in there. It's sort of like the old man and the dog, where Camus want us to see what this man is losing. He doesn't realize it, because he's cursing life, he's unhappy, a woman is crying at his mother's funeral and he's mad. Why is she crying? It's bothering me. Make her shut up, you know? Let's have a nice quiet funeral, rather than thinking 'oh my poor mommy is dead, poor me, I'm very sad, my mother has died, he's not like that. So in some ways, Camus wants us to look at  Meursault as we look at the old man. We don't get it. Why is he so angry, why is he kicking his dog, why is he being mean to life, why doesn't he love Marie, why isn't he nicer, why can't he make that relationship work, or whatever. And then, he makes it a better story when he says at the end he says ‘Oh well, now I'm dying, I realize how beautiful life is......

Lulu: Released


Big Eyes: Yeah, he can't believe in the beauty of life until he's about to lose his life. Kind of like the man could not believe in how wonderful his dog was, until he lost his dog and could not get his dog back.

 Lulu: Regret

Big Eyes: Regret, yes, this is definitely a novel of regret.

Lulu: Last week my husband told me that in China happened one thing. There is a huge, huge trash container, and five homeless children, they lived in this huge trash container because it was warmer. It was really cold so they burn trash for the warmth, but the gas was poisoned, and so the five children died.

Big Eyes: They died. Wow.

 Lulu: And I felt that because it happened far, far away in China I couldn't help them, I felt that it has nothing to do with me, but actually it has something to do with me. I was angry. Why did you tell me this! Since I can do nothing, it just makes me feel I can't help them, and it's a really, really bad thing. China has so many bad things happening like this, and I can do nothing, so I prefer to not pay attention.

Big Eyes: Ohhh

Lulu: I prefer, it's ok, it's happening, happening, I just draw.

Big Eyes: But it's happening.

Lulu: Yes

Big Eyes: Yes so … now …. Let me ask you this question: Do you think it's better for you not to think about this, and not be disturbed about it...

Lulu: No

Big Eyes: ...Or is it better to know, and be disturbed and sad and then angry with your husband. Which is better？Let me ask a different way: Which would Camus say is better?

Lulu: I don't know, I don't know.

Big Eyes: I would that Camus would say it is better that you hear the story, feel bad, feel angry with your husband, and then feel like I wish I did not hear this. Camus would say that's better because that's more human.

Lulu: I can't lie to myself

Big Eyes: Right, and to suffer and to be angry, and be sad and to feel like there's nothing I can do – I can't help these people, I feel frustrated, I feel suffocated, right? Because I can't help these children. That's human … that's to be alive, that's to be human and ….

Lulu: For me, to me, to myself, it exists at the same time. I care, but I don't care - at the same time....

Big Eyes: Right, I think Meursault too.

Lulu: The homeless people on the road, I sometimes bring food for them, but really detached. Ok, I help you ok, but don't come close.

Big Eyes: Right

Lulu: Don't come close. Don't touch me.

Big Eyes: Right

Lulu: Actually for Meursault, and his two neighbors that live in the same building, just different rooms so it seems like they're different, they are in different rooms, bu they're one, they are one. So it seems like you have several yourself, different sides.

Big Eyes: Oh... yes.

Lulu: So I think Camus is trying to say, 'It's me, I have three me. I have three myself. Both the three are real but paradox'.

Big Eyes: Yes, that's a good way to look at it, yeah I think you're right. And that's true, right, we're all different people at different times, right? There are times when we are calm, gentle, peaceful, sweet, and then there are times when we're like angry, right?

Lulu: That's natural.

Big Eyes: Right, and then there are times when we're very intellectual and we're thinking, and we're living inside our brain and then there are times when we're very passionate and we're living with our feelings and our body, our emotions rule us, right?

Lulu: Yes. Is god real?

Big Eyes: I don't know. What do you think?

Lulu: I don't know.

Big Eyes: Were you raised with God, were you raised with a religious background?

Lulu: No.

Big Eyes: So in China....

Lulu: Almost no religion. There is one religion, Puta, Puta.

Big Eyes: Oh really? Does the state allow … does the state recognize...

Lulu: Yeah, my mom believed that. I always something really good in religion but always something that makes me feel too tired and bored and … how do you say …. be put into a cage.

Big Eyes: Oh, confined, you think religion is confining.

Lulu: Hmmm, people need the fear to God, people need fear to something and you're confusing you need someone to tell what is right, what is wrong.

Big Eyes: Why do people need fear? What would happen if you had no fear?

Lulu: You would do whatever you want.

Big Eyes: Would you do bad things you think, or good things?

Lulu: Both possibly.

Big Eyes: And if you have fear, would you do bad things and good things still?

Lulu: More good things.

Big Eyes: You think so?

Lulu: You will (have) concern (for) other people. If I do this, it will hurt that person maybe.

Big Eyes: Right.

Lulu: So maybe I don't do this.

Big Eyes: You think so? Because people with religion, right, people who believe in God do terrible things all the time, right?

Lulu: Because they could be forgiven, is that right?

Big Eyes: I don't know, and I think again, that's one of the things that Camus is saying, is that if you live without a belief in God and without fear, you might do good things and bad things... but it's hard to say where the good things come from and where the bad things come from. For Meursault, he has no god, he doesn't seem to believe in God. He comes to a kind of belief in the world, but for him … again I would go back to the phrase gentle indifference. If there is a god, god doesn't care, right? I think that's kind of how Meursault feels. And again, I would take this back to the historical context of the novel, and say this comes very much out of western Europe in the 1950's. So if you believe in God, why did God kill 6 million Jews, or if you don't believe in god, there can't be any god because, you know, 6 million Jews died, I mean so many people died in World War II there can't be god.... or you could say so many people died in World War II, that must be what God wanted. If that what God wants, you know, what hope do we have if God is just going to kill  6 million people.

Lulu: People confuse me. I know some people believe in God, really really nice, very very nice, but some just are very mean.

Big Eyes: That's right, yes.

Lulu: So it confuses me.

Big Eyes: That's right. Yes. It is confusing, yes, and again I mean I think Camus would say that's because they are people, and they are capable of great kindness, and capable of great meanness at the same time.

Lulu: One person has both, treat me very nice and very mean, that confuses me also.

Big Eyes: Well isn't that true of all of us though, don't we do that?

Lulu: If you didn't mean to be bad, that ok, but if you mean to be mean, it's not good.

 Big Eyes: No, but that's a human kind of weakness. Like my children, I love my children more that anything, right, and so my whole life has been taking care of my children, raising my children.

Lulu: Your marriage is really happy, because you have the children.

Big Eyes: Thank you, thank you. But at the same time I can be mean to my children. If they do something bad or do something that angers me or disappoints me, then I might be mean to my children.

Lulu: Yes. Do you know Sartre?

Big Eyes: Sartre? Ahmm yeah.

Lulu: Could you talk about him?

Big Eyes: Camus and Sartre knew each other, they were in France at the same time. Sartre was a philosopher and Camus was a writer. So Camus was a thinker, and Camus was the artist, and I think in many ways, they expressed many of the same ideas, but Sartre did them in a very kind of analytical, methodical, philosophical way. Have you ever read Sartre?

Lulu: No.

Big Eyes: Very hard to understand.

Lulu: Is it good?

Big Eyes: It's very rich, but again, it's very hard to understand, very boring, very dry, very technical. Sartre tries to take things step by step, and get people to understand existentialism and where these beliefs come from. So, the book he's most famous for is called 'Being and Nothingness'. And so he talks about humans ...

Lulu: Being and Nothingness

Big Eyes: Right, so we are beings and we live in a world of nothingness.

Lulu: Nothingness?

 Big Eyes: Nothingness, yeah.

 Lulu: Nothing

Big Eyes: Nothing

Lulu:Nothing

Big Eyes: Yeah, the world doesn't matter

Lulu: Ok

Big Eyes: You know, there is not a right way and wrong way to proceed through life. And again, understand that this is coming from France after World War II and Sartre seeing the terrible things that had gone on around him. And so in some ways existentialism as portrayed by Camus and Sartre is a doctrine of trauma, you know, they had been traumatized. So for Sartre, he could not understand why the world had fallen apart, why everything had fallen down, why people betrayed other people and killed other people. It just didn't make sense to him. So his philosophy was: if God didn't care, either God doesn't exist, or he'll kill you, or he'll make you rich, or whatever. There's no sense in it. You can't understand it. Then how do you live a life? How do you go on, how do you get out of bed every day and go to work, and make art, or go to work, get married and be happy or whatever. How do you do all these things if it doesn't matter? If there's no sense in it, and he was trying to explain that.

Lulu: Need to find the meaning, why we do stuff.

Big Eyes: Not just find the meaning, but you need to make the meaning.

Lulu: Even though it's meaningless.

Big Eyes: Even though it's meaningless, right. Even if it's a false meaning or a created meaning or your own meaning, that you will have to find your own meaning.

Lulu: Hmmm, ok. Have you ever read Camus' other book named “The First Man”?

Big Eyes: No. I read his book called “The Plague”

Lulu: The Plague?

Big Eyes: Which is about a disease that kills a lot of people.

Lulu: I know it. The doctor just need me to do so, even though he will die, absolutely.

Big Eyes: Camus was a doctor, right?

 Lulu: No, I don't know.

 Big Eyes: He was a journalist ...

Lulu: Journalist? Means travel, a lot? Is that right?

 Big Eyes: Right. No he wasn't a doctor

Lulu: I want to go to Europe.

Big Eyes: You do?

 Lulu: I want to go walking in a small town, like in Italy or France, maybe Germany, where the buildings and the road with stones, the stones are hundred of years. Maybe a very small village, but it has the history there, it's old.

Big Eyes: And you want to live there?

Lulu: Not forever, maybe for half a year or several months. You can't just go there and take photos, you need to walk there and you need to feel it. You play guitar.

Big Eyes: Yes

Lulu: It's not just a show on the stage, showing to everybody. They need to feel it, you play it. When you play guitar, you're feeling yourself.

Big Eyes: Yes, you know I think you're right.

Lulu: Maybe sometime I listen to you play guitar.

Big Eyes: Could happen, that may happen. So has this been helpful?

Lulu: Yes, thank you.

Big Eyes:  There are a couple of movies.... do we have any Bresson movies... let me see. There are a couple of movies that you can watch that are sort of existentialist movies, see if we have them in the library.

 Lulu: Ok, I need you to recommend for me.

Big Eyes: Let me see if we have them.

Lulu: It's really helpful.

Big Eyes: Oh good. So one of them is called 'Crimes and Misdemeanors'.

Lulu: You write with left hand.

Big Eyes: Yes.

 Lulu: I wish I could draw with left hand.

Big Eyes: Why? You mean left and right, or left instead of right?

Lulu: I wish I could draw with both hands. You know the beginning of this semester I had a car accident and my right hand got hurt....

Big Eyes: Oh no

Lulu: And at that time, I felt so helpless, I thought I couldn't draw anymore, very sad, and that moment I wished I could draw with my left hand and I tried. It seems like it's totally another person.

Big Eyes: Yes, yes. Let's see if we have any Bresson

 Lulu: I did sculpture with my left hand, really happy. This hand feels happy when touching the clay and making sculpture.

Big Eyes: Yeah, right...

Lulu: And the moment I know I love sculpture, I stop it.

 Big Eyes: Why?

Lulu: If I can't, I start loving sculpture I couldn't stop and it would take time from my drawing, and I'll fail if I do two things, I just do only one thing.

Big Eyes: You're very hard on yourself.

Lulu: At the moment I found myself really loving sculpture, I'm a little bit anxious and nervous about this love, so I stop it.

Big Eyes: Why do you think that you can't do more than one thing?

Lulu: I'm limited. I have limitation of weakness.

Big Eyes: Does everyone have this, or just you?

 Lulu: Everybody has their limitation and weakness, maybe they just didn't realize it yet. Everything has limitations, stories good at __; drawing is good at gesture, color tone; music good at sounds. You can't use drawing to show music. So myself I have weakness and limitation, so I know it,  I know it. It takes a long time to know what is it and how to face it. So if I'm 37, I just draw, no child, no baby, no gallery, no job, just drawing.

Big Eyes:  You're very hard on yourself.

Lulu: I have to, otherwise I regret. I already regret every day because I give up my first man.

Big Eyes: Right.

 Lulu: You know, I pay very high price to do drawing so I need to do my best.

Big Eyes: I'm the opposite of ou. I want to have everything, and I don't want to make choice, I don't want to say no. I want to say yes, so I can't draw very well but I like to draw.

Lulu: I saw you in drawing, you enjoy a lot. That a better way because if you're happier if you do that.

Big Eyes: Right, and so I don't have to get good, I don't have to be … this is enough.

Lulu: You know in my drawing, I want to be a Mozart. If I'm playing a piano onstage, I want it to be perfectly well, I want it to be really, really great, a masterpiece. Otherwise I won't show it at all. I prefer to practice a lot, be tough to myself a lot before I can really show it.

Big Eyes: You're very hard on yourself.

Lulu: Because you can't get the time back.

Big Eyes: That's true, yes you're right about that part.

Lulu: The name of the movie?

Big Eyes: Yes. Ok so here's one, ‘Crimes and Misdemeanors' which is an interesting movies because it's about a man who kills another man – oh, he kills a woman, or he causes a woman to be killed...

Part 3

Big Eyes: You know the idea that to be an artist, a great artist you have to experience life...

Lulu: Yes

Big Eyes: You have to know other people. You have to love deeply. You have to … you know if you think about the artist called Velasquez, who was a great artist, but also a very important man politically. You know he worked at the court, he was a diplomat....

Lulu: I can't, that's my weakness also.

 Big Eyes: Oh ok.

 Lulu: I'm not good at getting along with people, or talking to people. I have fear talking with people, I have fear looking at people's eyes, so most of the time I avoid looking at people's eyes. Avoid talking... if I really care about this, I'll talk about this with you, otherwise, I'll disappear.

Big Eyes: So what about the idea that if you face these fears, if you force yourself to talk to people, if you look them in the eye, it would, down the road make you a better artist.

Lulu: I tried. It made me very happy, it made me happy and I found that most people are nice to me, but I get bored very soon, I want to draw again.

Big Eyes: Ohhh … you're pulled into your drawing, you're have to get back to your drawing, otherwise you're anxious.

Lulu: Even the movies, wonderful movies. I love, I enjoy it but it bores me very soon.

Big Eyes: And you want to get back to your drawing.

Lulu: Yes

Big Eyes: Ok, interesting. Ok here, so 'Crimes and Misdemeanors‘, and then I think, any movie by Bresson. I'll give you a few titles: and Bresson is...

Lulu: Your hand is small, your hands small.

Big Eyes: Yes, yours too, right?

Lulu: I just remember my father's hands, small, thick, very thick, very strong. He was a farmer and he was a carpenter and he worked a lot, very heavy work, and his hands really strong.

Big Eyes: Do you remember his hands? Have you drawn his hands?

Lulu: No

Big Eyes: You should draw them from memory.

Lulu: No.

Big Eyes: That would be a good exercise for you.

Lulu: No, I'm not good enough yet.

Big Eyes: Oh, ok. So I would say Bresson. Any of Bresson's films. Bresson was French, he was an existentialist as well. So this one: “Diary of a Country Priest” …. I like the movie “Pickpocket”, and these films are very existential. Pickpocket... you know what a pickpocket is?

Lulu: A pocket?

Big Eyes:  A pickpocket. They're a thief. In the big cities, they go around and when you're not looking they steal your wallet.

Lulu: Ok.

Big Eyes: So this movie is about a pickpocket, he's a thief and he's almost like a Camus hero. He's very quiet, he's in a crowd, he's stealing from people, no one knows what he's doing, and then he meets a girl in a shop.

Lulu: Then he started loving that girl, right?

Big Eyes: But he kind of loves her, but he doesn't know what to do because he sees himself as a thief, as a bad person, and the whole novel is about his suffering, because he doesn't know if he loves her, or if he's just trying to escape from being a bad person, he doesn't know if he should tell her he loves her, he doesn't know if he should start a relationship with her, but he's kind of mean to her. He goes through all this suffering and then at the end of the movie, I won't tell you what happens!

Lulu: Haha, ok. I know what you're talking about, when you're facing someone you really like that person, you don't know what to do or what to say. A silly idiot. I had that when I was a teenager. After that it's over, it never come back.

Big Eyes:  Alright so here, see if you can find those movies.

Lulu: If I could come back again next semester, I could talk to you again?

Big Eyes: Come back anytime Melancholy, it's always very cool to talk to you, I think you are a very interesting person, not boring at all.

Lulu: Actually, looking at these movies And after listen to your recording if I need help I'll come back.

Big Eyes: OK, alright, cool!

Lulu: Do you use charcoal?

Big Eyes: I do use charcoal. This one is silverpoint, Have you ever used silverpoint?

Lulu: This is pencil, right?

Big Eyes: No, silverpoint. It's a renaissance drawing technique.

Lulu: Do you like charcoal？

Big Eyes: I do.

chapter 11 yes, I will                                                                                                                          

Lulu was walking towards school, she usually has a schedule, certain time do certain things, like Sheldon. She was wearing a watermelon-pink T-shirt, and pinky grid knee-high short pants. Along the wall, some green vine climbing on the wall, griping the surface with its claws, like a lizard. Lulu wasn't wearing her glasses, she only wear it when drawing. So, everything was ambiguous, actually she like it. Right now she is going to do a big drawing, named <Reversed Heaviness>, where it's black at where it supposed to be white, the black folds drapery messed up on the bed, hug me sleeeeeep, and blurry all the contour …… let it be. As time going on, as you cover layers and layers and layers cross-hatching, you lose the outline. Let it be. Let it be. And see how it goes. Sounds good! Cool! Going to have a lot of fun with it! Another experiment. Is that you put the “Experiment” sticker on the slant elevator? My instinct telling me that's you!   : )     She saw someone, in front, standing there. In light-pale-pink shirt, holding his penis. It's big! Lulu stared at him. Stunned! Her eyes opened like a circle! And then, she just turn back, keep going, don't look back. She did not want to go to Red Block anymore, she had no mood to do the cast-drawing anymore. She back to 2215 Parrish street, shut down the window, pull down the blinds, stay silent, without be able to speak a single word, just sit, did not turn on the light even it's getting darker and darker. She could not get out of the room, she did not want to. For 3 days. De De Deeeeeeeeee    someone pressed the trumpet of the car. What's going on inside? What she is doing? She did not use the computer, and her cell-phone was shut off. He got worried. Lulu knew it. So she lifted half of the blind, to let him know, she is fine. But still, she would not want to go to school.

 

When she was 10 years old, she walked on a small alley, go to grandma's home. A man, holding a bike. He had long hair. Hi, little girl, my tire is out of gas, do you know where can I find an inflator?  Lulu pointed towards the direction of the village. When she look back at him, he was holding his penis, smiling nasty. Is this good? Lulu yelled loudly! The man look around, ride on the bike, and disappeared quickly. Lulu was shocked. Several years later, actually 15 years later, Lulu saw that man again. She immediately recognized him! The scamps! He had flat short hair, holding the hand of his daughter. Lulu was opening “Little Bear Studio”, teaching children art, at weekends, and painting during the weekdays. Kids love her! They call her “Little Bear Teacher”. The man's eyes look mild and kind. He already forgot about it. For the sake of his daughter, Lulu did not expose his ugly, and just introduced how the animal animation class going. Kids change you, right? When you have a child, you love it, and when you love, you become a better person. Is that right?   Miko put little Hydon on his back, and teaching, he got to teach more, got to sell more painting, got to save more money for her future education, he had the panic thing when his daughter first born. He do anything for her. I did this little drawing for you. It's cool ……

 

All man like her, because she is beautiful, cute, sexy and flighty, and they …… all women hated her, because she got too much attention, and they got jealous. So when they were caught the two making love right on the street, all the women threw stones towards her, use umbrella stab her, and cut her hair. Such a slat! Shameless! But inside their hearts, there is no one not envy her could love so fierily and fearlessly. And had sex with George! He is the public icon lover! So handsome! So cultured white man, graduated from Heaven University. You go to the streets, and ask, who doesn't want to go to Heaven University? And he love her! Because of his power and wealth, he was forgiven, and back to the upper class of society. But she was absolutely dislodged. Go away, dirty thing!

  

The most stupid thing you ever done, is to show me how rich you are. I am poor, and poor people hate rich people naturally! I don't want to let you misunderstand, that, I love you for your money! You can't buy me! My love is not for sale! I have sympathy to Miko, because he has to make a living as a teacher. His art, so good! But he got to teach, to pay the rent. How much I hope, he could stop wasting time, and draw more! And I love him, because he is poor, because his old black jacket, because his boots, because the holes in his bag, because the heaviness he has to carry on his shoulders, because the respect of being an artist he show, under the pressure of the complex reality. I did not know, I knew nothing about you, when I started love you. My feeling was innocent. 

 

You use money buy almost everything you want, except one thing you could never get with money. Everybody betrayed me, some sold me cheaply, some sold me for a good price. My cousin, Gold, no, I can't do it, I am his brother. $10,000. ok. What do you want me to do?   Just make a fire, burn the wooden-boards, a little bit, and make a shit next to it, and tell her, that, you noticed there is a van, at the public toilet, all night long, and put a bag of mouse-poison in their kitchen He did it. And he got paid by watching her activity.

Nan, the girl lived with Lulu and Hao for the summer, what do you want? I want a job at a lawyer-firm. Ok, got it! You just put the fan on her table, and occasionally mentioned there is a gym very good. Hao and my sister, sign the paper-work and put her into the crazy people's hospital, say, to help her forget the painful memory, and make her happy with medicine. They did it. Say what I ask you to say, show her movies I made. He did it. At State College, the mini cinema, he showed a movie: a truck of small oranges, scattered on the road. Is that you? Someone hold his iphone, next to me, want to record what I say. So I said nothing. Actually, I want to say, do you think, suicide is a personal choice, or you have to consider what other people feel? But I didn't. And I prefer to believe, Miko did not sell me. You have a little girl at kindergarten from 10 to 3, right? His face got serious. Just hook her on Facebook, tell her you love her, and shut her off. That will break her heart, I can't do it. I will not do it. Think about it, she carry Miko-city on her back, flying, you should set her free, help her be independent. Ok. He did it. I felt you! It's you! And then, from a moment on, it's not Miko anymore, someone else giggling behind the screen. She would be all right, Miko tell himself, she will be all right ……  the Black Wing! Or the nasty HR, or the cruel them, they, they want to ……  I won't get destroyed. I have my belief. Miko is still my father, my hero. And, what you lost from me, is my trust, because you destroyed my trust towards people around me, although, I still love you. I tell myself, that's not March. Your March did not do it. Your March is austere and is still the one you had. Someone else – some editor, who control the overall game, ask him to do so. I heard Black Wing was very rich. She got the joy of revenge, and want to ruin Lulu completely.

 

I don't think so, she will get bored, if someone keep attention to you for 5 years, that's not hatred, that's …… I don't know what it is. The black jeep following the school-bus every night, and shining the lights, while I move my red bike out of the back-trunk of the van. Who is it? Why he suddenly turn left when I looked back? And the medical emergency Room, close to my apartment? And the key-stone center? And the cubes printed on the sideway of Elmhurst?   Is that you? I got scared. And I got moved also. Is that you …… you were with me all the time? Someone moved the snow on the swing, because he knew I want to play it, is that you?   And when wondervogel said, don't cry …… I felt that's you …… that's the one I loved so much, the one --- I put my head on his shoulder, I am very mean and cold, are you? The first time saw you, I saw your tender and gentle soul. And saw the little green paints on your shirt. Green! Oh, paints  : )

 

Talking to mum on the phone, he watched her screen, she frowned, don't you understand? I am drawing not to make money? Mum said, what's wrong with you? Who doesn't want to be rich? Your head damaged. Yeah, my head damaged. She deleted the contact software, so that she can't video with her anymore. She no longer want to be seen on videos anymore.
 

You got me! You got me! I will not, will not deny or hide anymore…… he take off all his armor, put down all his pride, leave all the outside thing, and give himself to Lulu, and just want to be together with you ……  let's leave this place together. He holds Lulu's hands, as if he holds the entire world. They went to a place where no body can find them, there has woods, and a beauuuuuuutiful sand beach, the sky was very clear, they build a sand-castle, Lulu buried his body with the warm sand, only left his head on top, and he grew up like a mushroom! Kiss youuuu    they lie down, watching the sky going far far away, the clouds moving fast. Put everything I want to tell you, in the bottle, and throw it into the sea. Let it float. Did you get it? Did you get it?  Yes, I did, Lulu said. Will you mae me? I have nothing now. Yes, I will! I do not want any penny from you. He kissed her again, and hug her, she closed her eyes, feel his hands, she cried. If that is a small rabbit, she wouldn't want anything what normal human like, she wouldn't want your money, she does not like red roses, she want – you got to know what she like. And the day Lulu show her the photo, on her phone, how happy she is when hug the doll! Yeah, a small rabbit just want a carrot, just like David Zinn's chalk drawing.

 

Never let me catch you. Because once I got you, I got bored. Let me chase after you. Yeah, I am bad. So he can't admit he is March, each time she asked, is that you?

 

She is the most beautiful famous prostitute of Kyoto. Yet almost all first-class gentlemen hate her and love her simultaneously. Because her pretty face, and because she is rude! She make fun of them, laugh at them with sharp, ironic words. He is there, and saw her. He is from the mansion of the general. He thinks, he has fallen in love with her. But how to catch her? So she visited her mum, at a small quad yard in the back street. You have to let her watch your leaving back, and don't look back, and carry your guitar with you. Then you will catch her.

 

The tuition is very high. Lulu want to make some money, so she went to Chinatown. There is a glass-window next to a seafood restaurant. Rooms for renting, and, and, oh, here it is, hiring sitter at front-desk at an office. Ok, try it. So Lulu went there. The boss came out, looked Lulu from head to feet. Can you write down your name and email-address? Ok. The red-tie woman, show Lulu the working environment. It's not an office! It's a big and dark apartment, with lots of small cell. They entered one, a slant-eyed woman, with messy hair, just sit up, squinting at them. Oh, I am sorry, Lady Lee, so sorry. Another room, there is a narrow single bed in the middle, nothing else. So what I do if I work here? What is this place for? We do massage. And we offer special service ……  I see ……  I am afraid I can't do it. She left, forgot to erase her name and email. All men has a beast inside their body, even Hao likes watch porn movies.

 

Goldfish went to Heaven University, went to the classroom where she gave him the small wooden-board painting, writing “ it's for you” on the back, she went to the Café where they date for the first time, looking for him, she stopped painting, the cube, the skull, all from him, and he pointed out that she should add the Fujiyama in her painting, because that represent Japanese culture, she watched the armchair, where he used to lean on it, and read a kindle, naked, she drew him, the afternoon sunlight waving on the floor naughtily, she saw their bed, couldn't remember, how many times they made love on it, and he always say, you are so beautiful, and I love you forever …… because she is lack of the sense of safety, especially when she is over 40, she make up carefully, she want to be pretty, and she went to the living-room, where's his studio, his palette still there, as if he just went to the bathroom, and he will be right back, she stopped eating.

 

Hao got hurt seriously. I love you so much! I offer you everything I can to support you drawing, and you run away! His mum said, she doesn't match you at all. Hao looked at his wallet, her little photo still in it, smiling sweetly, and the little green note she wrote to him, while she was sick at State College, writing: you are not useless, you are very very important, I need you. Hao took it out, close his laptop, because she is sitting on a big Stop-sign, smiling. Our bikes, our little room at Tsinghua ……  but soon he got a girl, young, beautiful, completely different personality. There is no place for her in his life anymore.

chater 12 Snowball

And the thief story continued: she disappeared at the corner, he fasten his steps, but when he arrived at the corner, she is gone! He look around, there is a green wooden door, a bread-store, a pet day-care, a cat is stretching his arms, and many apartments. Where is she? So many possibilities. He try to remember which bus station she got on the bus. There was a big old watch, standing on the top of a pillar. He walked along the street, and found it, and stood there, waiting for her. He dressed up. He did not have expensive clothes, but he try to look nice and clean. Waiting for her. But she never appeared. He started doubt is it really happened. He want to be a better person. He want to change himself for her. He want to make her happy. (unfinished)

 

In the movie <Mr Thank You>, whenever passers-by give road to the bus, the driver say: thank youuuu. And there is a tree, where the bus turn left. He saw an old man there, every day. He lost his lover, looking for her, have the faith in his mind, I will find her back, I will find her back ……

 

The eggplant English teacher, standing in front of the blackboard, her neck has two wrinkles, and her belly looks like a pumpkin, saying: you do not need to change the verb behind Must, for example, he goes home, but when you use must, he must go home, blablablablabla …… hate her stupid dress! Lulu, where is your homework? I forgot. The next day, where is your homework? I didn't do it. She was punished, keep standing for the entire morning. I don't care! I just want to make her angry! Lulu looking outside the window, didn't really listen to the eggplant anymore. It's always gym class outside. Oh, I saw him! He is running! Handsome! The playground is white, because it just snowed. Someone throw a snow-ball towards him! He just laughed! And hit back! Wow! Lulu write his name, XYB, overlap the three letters, and it looks like an umbrella! From that day on, she started call him small umbrella. What's your name? The teacher asked her. Write it down on the blackboard. So she wrote: X X. Everybody laughed. ---- from movie < the book thief>

 

Everybody wrote what do you wish for, on a note, and put all the notes together, in this box. Someone wrote: I want to listen Fan singing. So he stand up, clear his throat, and start singing “I am a fish” 任贤齐《我是一只鱼》 --- the air in the fish-tank makes you small-minded and bad-tempered. I can't breathe anymore. I want to leave the water and go with you. Don't leave …… Don't leave …… Lulu drew, with a green color pencil, on the wall, of the 9th floor still-life classroom. Once he came to see her drawing, while she had class somewhere else, he saw many many green paper-bird hovering around the ceiling. It's for me ……  Lulu ever folded a pinky paper-bird for him, together with the polar-bear etching.  When I recognized Miko on facebook, he admitted, but you denied, I gave Miko my polar-bear etching, he treasure it and still have it, but you threw it away! Nooooo, I didn't throw it away, I have a box, collecting everything about you …… I love your etching, I did not throw it away, I just, just wasn't sure about my heart at that time. Are you sure right now? Yes, I am.

 

Why you changed your family name? Fan frowned, looking at me, did not say anything. A classmate say, his parents got divorced. I like him! Lulu wrote a note: you are the most handsome man in the world! And put it in his desk! He found it! What the hell! She hit my cheek with her fist, left, right, and then left again. Her glasses fell down and broke. Why you head down all the time? Why you always hide your hands inside your selves? Why you often look depressed while everyone else is happy? She hit her, right at the door of the classroom, all classmates watched. Lulu was callus, she didn't feel any pain at all, just question, can a teacher hit a girl's face, just because she looks sad?

 

Pengpeng became intellectually disabled after a fever. He has a yellow dog. They live in a shack. They want to eat the dog! The dog back underneath the bed. Pengpeng, you call its name! No! He got slapped. So he call its name. And the dog climbed out, looking at his host. They caught it! Tie his neck with a copper wire, and hang it on a dry tree. The dog, screamed, looking at his host, cried, and died. They use a knife cut his belly, took out the

inner organs, stepped on its fur, and threw its bone on the dirty ground, with many cigarette butt.

 

A lot of blood. Every morning, early early morning, Lulu heard the screaming, they cry too, when be killed. A lot of blood, on the ground, everywhere. A lot of blood. It's traumatic happening for a kid. Once he even killed my dog, because the dog bark to him, when he coming close with a knife in his hand. So he killed it!  There are 7 puppies in the dog's belly. How dare you! How dare you bark to me! There is something Lulu would rather never happened and would like to forget forever.

 

He is curious, about her thoughts, especially after he listened the recording about Stone, he want more! This little banshee! So interesting! The way she thinks, so different! But when he heard that word, he stunned! He immediately stepped back and look down up on her. He thought, she must come from a very nice family, so he investigated. But when he saw the photos of her home, poor, messy, dirty. How could it be like that? I can't believe it! Look at her cast-drawing, so renaissance-style, and her sweet happy smile! But why she call herself Lulu? No body call themselves Lulu. Why? Why?

 

Don't cry …………

 

I can't take 937 go home together with you anymore, Oven said. Why? He shake his head, wouldn't answer. Oven just transferred to the art high school. He did not learn art before. And the examination is extremely competitive and cruel. Everyone want to enter better Art Academy. Lulu make fiends with Oven and help him. He told her, his previous high school had a hill. One day, he was called to the office: you know, Lulu is the best student, she is going to go to Tsinghua! Stay away! You are dragging her back! Oven look at his shoes, did not say anything. Lulu keep helping him with art. And one day, Lulu was called to the office: you are the best, and you in charge of cleaning the classroom for almost 3 years now, you will be given 20 scores, in the final examination into college, if you focus your study and leave him. Lulu did not say anything, but keep helping Oven. And they take 937 back home together again. Someone else got the 20 scores, from class 2. But Lulu got accepted by Tsinghua anyway, with her own effort. Oven did not pass the examination, he repeated twice again. But he never forgot that Lulu helped him. And they become very close friends, and keep in touch.

 

There is a green-chocolate, on Facebook, his name is MP, once he post: an American runner, stopped to help another runner, when she fell. How beauuuuuuuutiful it is! There is something more important than scores.  Lulu took examinations so seriously. Everything was so important, in her eyes. She didn't know, life is just like a movie, a lot of times, it, the fate plays you with an invisible hand, when that happens, what do you do? Pray? A lot of people believe in God. And a lot of people don't. Lulu just simply think, you should be kind to people, and don't hurt anyone. Because when you hurt others, you may get evil-happy, but are you really happy? But if you are kind to people, and give them a gift, whatever it is, you make other people happy, when they give you a true happy smile, that's the best award ever. And if you love someone, usually, they love you back. And love won't become less, if you giving, you only get more. March understood it, later. And he miss Lulu. And Lulu believe in Miko. 

Chapter 13    Tibet                                                                                                                         

After Lulu finished her promise to Xin, 100 skeleton drawings, Rite of Spring, Rite of Summer, Rite of Autumn, and Rite of Winter, she kind of tired, and want to do something else. You said, once you start love someone, you can't stop. Yes, I am like that. But you too! 5 years now   : )     I love you  ♥         but I don't want to be your responsibility, don't want to be your Should, I only want to be your impulse, only want you love me impulsively and spontaneously, do you understand?   Once the flower has fade, she does not want to be seen anymore. Lulu only want you remember her most beautiful moment, when you met her. But you are beautiful, still! And I won't let you go! You entered my world when my life is at a strange stage. Not early, not late, just at that moment, right there, we met.

 

The mushroom grew up, Lulu look at his naked body, full of sand, smiled. And then they hold their hands, walk into the sea, the water go around their ankles, feel itchy. Close your eyes. He did what she say, smiling. And when he opened his eyes again, Lulu changed! She becomes that starbucks banshee! Come, come here …… He hold her waist. Kiss me …… and he become a fish too. And they swimmmmmmm , immerge into the water ……

 

Miko just left. The class just over. And the cast-hall was very very noisy. Bye! Lulu was still working. Black Wing talking extremely loudly, with Thick Lips. Thick Lips glanced Lulu's face, she knew she was irritated. So she talked with Black Wing even louder! Lulu couldn't bear anymore! Excuse me! She got ignored. Hey! You see, I am drawing here! Black Wing look at her, said: you are a bitch! Go to the student service office and complain! Lulu got extremely angry, and she hit her painting box to the floor! Black Wing left, told people, Lulu challenged her. Lulu standing there, her hands shaking, her lips, shaking, tears come out. She beared, and beared, and beared, and she never stop! Lulu never feel be treated like this before! And she realized, if you are nice, mean people will step upon you and think you are easy to be bully! And this happened at this beautiful cast-hall, at where my dear Miko teach me drawing, at this historical school. Lulu feel very regret and sorry about her own out of controlled rage. She left the cast-hall, and entered the other building, across the street. Right at the entrance, she saw March! Yeah, March and Gill and Owl. Lulu was trying really hard to hold her tear, and March saw her eyes, and hug her, in imagination, don't cry ……  Lulu  got it, and no more pain anymore, just hug me, just hug me like this ……  Gill and Owl exist, so Lulu remove her eyes from March, and left.  

 

Lulu tried to apologize to Black Wing, she text her, email her, say sorry, after the pigeon photos. But she wouldn’t answer and treat her as enemy. Lulu suffered, and told Mika and Jude, what happened. Mika said: stop apologizing, that is a mean person, never mind, if someone doesn't like you, you shouldn't let them make you down. Because people have different tastes, and you can't make friends with everyone. Jude gave Lulu a hug. He had thick beard, which made Lulu itchy. Lulu had difficulties to say Hi to people. So once Jude saw Lulu coming out of the cast-hall, and coming towards here. He entered the building first, so that Lulu would not have to say Hi to him anymore. It's not ignorance. Jude understand that Lulu care about the friendship between these classmates. She brought them sketchbooks, after coming back from winter-break. And told Jude, never give up.

 

Do you know, Black Wing left school? Really? I am so happy she left, Mika said. But Lulu kind of blame herself, because of me? I didn't want to hurt her intentionally, but it seems I did anyway. What people will say behind me if I leave?

 

Brian said: I miss you. I loved you also. Do you know that? Yes, I knew. Although I couldn't give any reaction, but I am aware of it, and appreciate and care. Brown said: come back!

George said: fuck you! Fuck you off mainlander! Get out of my head! Mika and Jude said: if something is not healthy, you should put it down. March said: I love you …… and Miko didn't say anything, he just sad, and just carry the little stone gun Lulu made for him, in his pocket. Whenever he takes the Megabus, he remembers Lulu's happy eyes, she did not wrap him, did not bother him, just say Hiiiiii! And I was sitting in the back, she is in the front, I put my sun-glasses on, because she said it's cool! I pretend sleeping. She turn back her head, quickly, look at me. What?   Half an hour later, she did it again! Oh, just checking! To see if I am still here    : )    little one.   Where else can I go inside this bus?   And as the bus reached the destination, she just run fast! She would not want to go to the Time Capsule together with me? ok. Oh, here she is! She is drawing the small stone kid at the fountain! I know you were waiting for me.

 

And Lulu went to Tibet, a small small village, in the mountain, where has no internet, no cellphone, only a weak light-bulb. She brought the kids her yoga teddy bear coloring books, and stickers, which March made for her. They love it! And Lulu was happy! And she remembered how happy she was, when first time received the Yoga Teddy Bear email. I know it's you! Do you know, what mermaid is? Lulu asked the kids. They shake their heads. Their skin were pretty dark and red, because of the hot sunshine. Lulu touched the head of a kid. Let's draw it! 小熊老师，我爱你！ Lulu just so happy! Because a kid's love is the most precious and pure gift in the world, without any commercial purpose, without anything else.

 

March changed another school. Because everywhere he goes, has her memory. He went to the 5th floor staircase to smoke. And he saw two huge snow-man! One is pink, one is blue. And the pink one has black tear. And his pale-purple painting, on the wall, too. He knew who did it. Who else will do it! Who else will care about him like that? He just smoked heavily. He had similar classes to teach, as before. He entered the 9th floor still life classroom. He went to Lulu's cell, the wall was white-washed. Nothing left. Lulu's drawing, gone. Once she was talking about his art, on the school bus, and March was listening to it: there's rarely people in March's work. I guess that's because he does not like to be social with people. He is more detached. March was moved, she understand me ……   each time he passed the still-life cage, he heard Lulu's voice: let me out! Let me out! And he just miss her badly. Want to see her ride the small red bike again! Want her call my name loudly

 

Security cameras everywhere. Lulu was sketching in the subway, in Beijing. Her head down, she was drawing a pair of shoes, from the boy, standing in front of her, briefly. And the shoes has stars, on the top. Star ……  Lulu had a bitter smile. How you come back home? What happened at school? Lulu just cried. She couldn't explain the reason. She need mum's hug. But mum turn her head away, do not look at her. Lulu moved out, rented a tiny tiny room, at Tsingha, where she and Hao used to live. Next to her room, was a pigeon’s cage. Come, there is going to be a Vermeer show, you can see the girl with pearl ear-ring! Hao try to cheer her up in the phone. Lulu took the subway, from this end to that end, and back again, sketching in the subway. She got sick, in the tiny room, feel almost die. Very very very sad. But no tear. When you have a pain, you have to cry out, let it out! But Lulu was just shut off. And right now, by this time, Lulu is writing this maiden novel <the lost of turpentine>  she is doing self-dissection on herself, reopen the scar, let it bleed, and she finally cry out, actually a lot of tear during the writing. But she kind of, take a distance from it, and detached. She changed.

 

It's just imagination. I told you. It's cruel.

Really? Really?

 

On the top of the mountain, Lulu was around by the kids, they were playing a game: eagle and chicks. Lulu was the chicken-mum, all the kids holding waist one next to another, and a “bad one” play the role of eagle, try to catch the chicks. Her skin became darker, because of the sun. March, working at the new place, at the beginning of a new semester, everything is new. Hi March! He heard a fresh voice, he turn back. Lulu want to see March happy, even without her.

​Chapter 14    butterfly                                                                                                            

He was sitting on the bench, not looking at anything, not thinking about anything. A purple butterfly stopped on his knee. Stay with him, for a second. And then fly away. Is that you Lulu?

 

Peppermint is standing there, has a apron on her body, looking at the bacteria through the lens of the microscope. She is hot! They sit in an outdoor café with red sun-umbrellas. So where are you from? Why are you here? I am an artist. They had sex that night. So you want to draw cadavers? I can introduce you to the lab. So he got in. she had polished nails, wearing stockings, what happened to her to the sudden death? Her make-up doesn't look like be sexually offended. Was she a front-desk in a bar?

 

The angle, sitting there, next to the sad man, on top of the building. He look down, the entire city is covered by gloomy clouds. Angle put his head on his back, and listen:   oh, this is another broken-heart. He had a low salary in a bike factory. But it recently closed down. And his wife, left him, for no reason. At least, in his eyes, he couldn't figure out, why?

 

What is love?  What is love?

 

He lost everything, no hope, no future, just misery, he cried, without tear, silently. And he decide to end up everything, so he has no sorrow anymore. Angle hold his shoulders. His eyes, callous. And he jumped ……  A little girl, saw him! And smile to him! She is holding a teddy bear. I hope her entire life is happy like that forever. Angle hug her. She is blessed. Not everyone can see the Angle, though. You are an angle   :)    I see you   : )     as beautiful as the early Renaissance relief in the cast-hall. Yes, it's for you.   And my album <follow me to the stars>, is for you ……  yes, I know.   In the smelly crowded subway, people are sitting there, standing there, without looking at each other, or talking. Someone is reading newspaper, but does he really care about what happened? Art, literature, movie …… whatever, is a detached sympathy, where you see other people's suffering, but you can not do anything for them, because they are in different individual situations. But you see it, and it stab you. Or, it's better to be a playful entertainment thing, to bring a little bit joy to your viewers.

 

5 homeless kids, live in a huge dustbin, and they burn the trash to get the warmth, but the smoke was poisonous, and they died. Why you tell me this terrible terrible thing? Don't you know it makes me feel horrible! And it stay in my memory! There are a lot of ugly things happening in this world, where the rule is to win, even as a cruel badass. To earn more money, to control more power, to sit on a respectful chair, fame. So you angry with your husband. Or you prefer he just not tell you that? Big-Eye asked. Lulu said, I prefer he never told me, because I can do nothing for them, right? I am so far far away from them, and I have enough difficult things to deal with in my life. I feel I am so feeble to help them. But you have a gentle heart, very very nice. That is important, isn't it? I need be stronger though. Zach gave 90% of his wealth to do charity. I do not hate rich people anymore.

 

They sell fireworks in the supermarket! Wow! So they bought a bunch of fireworks and burn it in the fields, nowhere in the middle of France. The fireworks exploded and blossomed in the dark sky, very cheerful and pretty. These kids from New York, California, had beer, cigarettes, cool! And they draw 18 hours a day, every single day! You totally immersed in it. Miko was reading Moby Dick for the first time. I could never make it, it's too longggggg     Ted is my first serious academic teacher, I end up follow him to France. And then I come back to the Time Capsule, he is not there, someone else substitute him. When you enter a teacher's classroom, a new world opened to you. But Lulu does not need anyone else.

 

You should remove the negative people from your life. He was a happy person, before he met Lulu. He was spoiled, and enjoy life. As he falling in love with Lulu, he becomes more blue. What is love? What is love?

 

Miko, may I show you my work? Yes! Some pigeons on the road. Oh, cool! The bird is not pretty, she is middle-aged, kind of don't care, I am myself. I started love art when I am 42, and I decided to be an artist. Is it too late? But I question myself: is this what you really really want to do? Yes! So you are brave. Art is very difficult, but it's a beautiful thing to do, especially when you are totally engaged in it, nothing else can make you happier than that. Exactly.  I was in Germany, and I experienced some horrible things, got hurt seriously. Oh …… she just remind me what I had in the past. But that's not her fault! Yeah …… but. I like your work, very much. The skull, and the man's head, and the woman's head, it's a conversation between life and death, that one is incredible, very touching. You know, you don't have to put a lot of things in your picture, be simple, just, what do you want to tell. Be simple. You know? Want to have a cup of coffee? Sorry, I got to go …… Black Wing had this moment with Miko. Sitting on the bench, with the broken-neck aircraft. She used to be young, pretty, be loved, very sensitive and nice. But then life changed, and she changed. She look at herself in the mirror, what happened? She is still the same one.

 

 

 

Chapter 15

a new leaf                                                                                                                     

Is the firework beautiful? Yes, absolutely. But it is over.

 

花已飘零

秋风涩涩

唯有游魂

游离期间

无欲无求

 

a new leaf, lovely green, somewhere else, new life is happening 

I love you forever 

The turpentine is lost, not because Xuanxuan broke it, even though she did not break the glass-bottle, it will still be gone, it will evaporate in the air, and disappear without a trace. But you held it in your hands, and use it to mix the colors for your painting. And you loved it. And that's all about it.   Do you like, do you like the bamboo palette I sent to you?  Want to see your new work      : )            be yourself, and i'll love you more. That proud, naughty happy child I saw.   Find yourself back, and I know I am in it. And you are inside my soul also.

Chapter 16   I stop drawing                                                                                                            

I stop drawing
Since the baby was born
She wouldn’t stop crying
Her arms and legs stretch out
And I have to change diaper for her

I stop drawing
Since I could not listen to music while working
The baby’s crying torn all the melody
And she starts eating my oil paints!
My parents in law come to help
They take care of the baby
At the same time they keep talking to me
My ears get really tired
Because I don’t talk when I am drawing
My husband blames me for not giving the baby time
He blames me not talking with his parents
He blames my easel taking too much space
He blames me being not beautiful anymore
 
I stop drawing
Regret every minute of having the baby
I could not put it back into my belly
I could not pretend it had not happened
I am scared and I don’t know how to deal with it
The responsibility is lifelong and too heavy for me
My life is changed forever
 
I stop drawing
I start crying
I like children
but I am not the kind of woman
Who can be an artist and a mom at the same time
So I decide
Not to have children 

 
I start drawing again    

The baby is sleeping
How sweet she is
How lovely her little hands are
How nice her milk-smell she send out
I start drawing again
Draw her little hands
Draw her little feet
Draw her little nose
Draw her little back
My point of view is renewed
Everything looks differently
From the eyes of a new mother
My perspective is intensified
My time has more weight
When she wakes up,
I hug her gently in my arms
I feed milk to her open mouth
I sing songs to make her smile
And she stops crying
She grows up little by little everyday
And my drawing gets better
Because this is the first time
I learn how to love

Life is beautiful
And love is great
I stop crying
And I start drawing again

 

I restart drawing again   

My son died yesterday
He was in high fever
Shaking and curling
No medicine can cure his illness
I could do nothing but watching him die
In front of my eyes
His small hands still warm
His eyes still have tears
The white linen gown wrapped his little body
It just looks like he is sleeping
Yet there is no longer breath
The little fuzzy fur of his nose no longer flap
Only 4 years old
During these 4 years of time
How much joy he brought to me
Now how much sadness he gave to me
I couldn’t believe it’s gong

 

Dear Joey, I couldn’t stop myself recalling
The first time we met
You conquered me by just saying
Nice to meet you
And shaking my hands
You shake my life actually
And we had this little boy
He looks just like you
Pale blue eyes
And dark brown hairs
Just as adorable as you are
We are like two different circles
Crossed occasionally for a moment
Then keep following respective track
And never see each other again
I miss you so much
I see you from our son everyday
The shape of his forehead
The step he walks
Just remind me every single thing of you
Now I have nothing left
Where are you?

Back to my easel
Swobe the dust from the surface
Use a knife sharpen the pencil
Sit like a pianist
And start playing
Let myself lost
In light and shadow
In tune and tone
In cello and piano
Back to my art
Back to myself
As if nothing happened
I start drawing his dead body
The pale face and shuttered eyes
The little round buttons on the collar
The fabric around his knees
And the little brown boots
I also draw his little fuzzy bear
His long-eared rabbit
And his wooden horse

My son died yesterday
And I start drawing again
Seems cold and emotionless
I even did not cry
Not every sadness include tears
The cut is do deep
It vanishes my voice
What only left
Is my solitude and a lonely heart
With constant freedom of art
From the brightest bright to darkest dark
My pencil, my easel, my paper, and me
In this silent night

chapter 17     1Q84                                                                                                                
Book-1   4月~6月

不要被外表迷惑

另有主意

几个被改变的事实

假如你希望这样

需要专业技能与训练的职业

我们要去很远的地方吗？

静静地，别惊动了蝴蝶

到陌生的地方去见陌生的人

风景变了，规则变了

肉体才是人的神殿

愿你的国降临

天生的受害者

几乎所有的读者都从未见过的东西

像给气球装上锚一样牢固  -----   丢失的那只气球再也找不到……

能让你喜欢，我很高兴

无论我们幸福还是不幸   不管试着逃到多么遥远的地方 -----   

                                 for a while, I hate be watched, hate it, hate it ……
                                 and I tried to escape, escape, escape ……
                                 from, from …… from your love ……
                                 which made me suffocation
                                 your hands holding me too tight ……
                                 but I am just, just used to it
                                 used to your accompany
                                 your tenderness
                                 even your bad-temper
                                 we can't escape ……
                                 there is no tiger-gas-station
                                 no 1Q84 world ……

Book 2     7月~9月

那是世界上最无聊的地方

除了灵魂一无所有

无法选择如何出生，但可以选择如何死亡  ----   I don't think

                                          you carry any social responsibilities
                                          when you chose to die
                                          it's just a very personal decision
                                          in Japan
                                          there is a high rate of suicide
                                          it's not coward
                                          it's a way
                                          it's a way to
                                          to get there
                                          to end up all pain
                                          mum will sad
                                          but is that still important at that point?
 

这种事也许不该期待

一只老鼠遇到素食主义的猫

我们拥有很长很长很长很长很长很长的手臂

你将涉足之处

一会儿猫儿们就该来了

作为恩宠的代价送来的东西

平衡

用手指数不完的东西

如果没有你的爱

递过来的礼物

终于，妖精登场了

就像一艘幽灵船

沉默而孤独的星

当子体醒来时------  当子体醒来时  原来的你不复存在

                 你去哪里了   我到处寻找你……

                 我们一起荡秋千吧！好不好？好不好？

                 子体在我的子宫里   生长  ……

                 它的名字叫 ……  我还没想好

                 我爱你……

                 爱你……

                 爱你……

                 

我该怎么办？
只要天上浮着两个月亮
让老虎为您的车加油

 

 

 

 

 

 chapter 18   July                                                                                                                     

But is it ok to have several darkest dark in one drawing? They look the same. Yeah, because they are in different situation, and they are all parts of the overall picture, right? Like Da vinci's drapery, the pink one and the black one. Which one is better? Which one is better?  They are both very very beautiful, they are just different.

 

So March and Lulu finally be together. They sit on the small pale-purple sofa. You put Miko's work in your drawing again. Yes, he is part of it. You are doing a wonderful job! You are him and more than him.    : )    so you are not jealous anymore?  Noooo  not anymore. I was, very much, jealous you two communicate so intimately. But then I understood.   Oh …… I love you more.   The friendship between teacher and student, is not romantic, nor sexual. What is it?  It, just, just heavy. You know? Yes, I do. Actually I dreamed you two, last night. En? We 3 in a gallery, an exhibition, paintings, abstract sculptures. Interesting. We go upstairs, it's open-air, it's bleak. You two, both wearing light-blue jacket     : )    my color. You two just walking along-side the rail-way, the rail-way going far far away, without looking back at me. At that moment, I realize, you two, both, don't need me ……    they sit on the small linen sofa, I love this color   : )     I knew    : )                 I have a gift for you     : )       en? What is it?    It's in the box. Open it.   Wowwwwwww         it's a puppy!   She hug it, touch it softly, kiss it, looking at his eyes.   I haven't haven't had any any since since ……  March wipe her tear gently and hold her in his arms. Let's raise it together. Lulu nod. Let's give it a name ……   Lulu.

 

But I am not beautiful any more ……  You are, you are ……  you are the most beautiful one ever.

 

It's second floor, some sunshine through the hiatus of the wooden blinds, a mannequin against the wall. Is that the suffocation one?   : )   yeah. Why it does not have a head? I cut it off. Can you show me now? Yes. It's a big big big canvas, more than 10 people, fighting, and horses. Wow! This looks like Delacroix! It's so heroic and ambitious, and full of action. Amazing! Some more, here, full of dust now, they are from years ago, though. Why you changed? Well, time changes everything, change you, and me, too, everybody. I figure out, when it's small, like a small thing you hold in your hands, it's intimate. What is intimate? Oh, oh, it's …… it's close, you have a close relationship to it. ok. I have seen a tiny etching, at Boston Museum of Art, a sleeping fox, just as big as hand, so beautiful! So it doesn’t not have to be big, small scale could also be great! Exactly, it depends how you render it. Right. I like the you, Not set up things, let it be there themselves, it's more spontaneous. I like it. It doesn't have to have a verbal meaning, but it has to have meaning, for you to keep doing it, you know? I always have a question in my mind, I want to ask you, ask you: do you really really don't mind I put your drawing in my drawing? Don't mind I imitate your composition, use your idea?  Well ……  you are my student, it takes time, and you will figure out your own way, eventually. I believe you can make it. But I, I, rely on you, so much, emotionally, and in art also. Just, just can't leave you …… you know?   Yes, I know. You'll figure out. Oh, this is ……  this is …… my polar-bear etching! You still keep it!  Yeah, I love it   : )      oh, I have a gift for you.  What is it?  My album, my music.  Oh, thank you!  Sure   : )      I am not sure if I like it, though. My taste is very …… limited. You are going to love it. Ok, i'll try. One question:  where, where my pencil is going to lead me, in 10 years, at the time I finish the 100 skeletons?  I can't tell you, you will find your answer yourself. It's a journey, you know? It's going to be lonely, but it's great, you know?   Oh, I have, have a gift for you also.     : )       what is it?   It's my drawing book  < Rite of Summer> , it is particularly for you, because there are too much your influence in it, it's inseparable from you. Now, I have finished the transition-process, I am so happy I made it. I knew.  I'll miss you …… hug me ……  Come here, little one.  I won't forget you. Me too.

 

I couldn't.   March and Miko, standing, at two ends. Lulu holding a gun. I couldn't ……  couldn't. So she put the gun into her own mouth ……  just love both, very very differently. It's just too cruel for her to lose either one of them.  She turn back, do not look at either one of them, and just draw, heartless and mindless and emotionless.  She can't love anymore …………    what  is love?  What is love?

 

I want you ……  I want you ……  ……

kiss me ……   come inside me …………

张爱玲是对的   通向女人内心的通道是……阴道

you already did it, 5 years ago, at the still-life classroom …… in my dream

is that the reason?  Is that the reason you won't let me go, like a snake

 The Best of Yann Tiersen on Piano

 Mushroom, Lulu put her hands under the cushion, it's a small small small glass-bottle.  It's for you ~~    a new turpentine 

 

忻老师  余温尚存  他的两个孩子  已经开始办画展了
你没有办法选择自己的出身  没有办法选择谁是你的父亲
和老师的交汇也很短暂   是一件很伤感但是没有办法的事情
30 岁 ~  40 岁 是一个画家最最好的时光
因为你的手头功夫已经有了  也爱过了 也经历了一些人生
有了一些或深或浅  或真或假  难以分辨的 体会
有那么 那么 那么 真心的爱过他…… 爱他…… 爱他……  爱他……
如果你到了42岁的时候  回过头来看
March  你今年是42岁了  对吧   花儿一样美丽的时候  爱你 ……
你回过头来看的时候  你的时光都做了什么？ 社交？
你有多少时间用来画画？多少时间带着假面和人敷衍？
你觉得累吗？得到你想要的了吗？ 后悔吗？
青春不再   怅惘吗   所以你说
you entered my world while my life at a strange stage.
是这个意思吗？
我觉得 你回头看  从前的事情  是不是很像一幕幕电影的片段
March 我在你的电影里吗？我在你的梦里吗？
你42岁的时候 回头看  这10年的时间如同一根香烟  不是吗？
会有无数多年轻的生命在生长 而你慢慢老去
所以  所以 只是画画  画画  画画 画画 ……
即使没有你   即使没有Miko   什么也没有了 ……
你的画  也没有了  ……  这个世界 谁会在意？
素描  如同你弹一首曲子  钢琴也好 吉他也好
你弹的过程  就是一切    曲子结束的时候 
你的心已经得到满足了    不是吗？
就像  你爱一个人    当你感觉到爱他的时候
你已经在爱里面了
其实他会不会爱你
已经不重要了 …………    
kiss you ……
play your guitar for me …… 
want to listen ……
listen your music……
listen the sound of your heart……
许下的诺言  就要做到 
you see    you have this promise to your pencil, to your drawing
yeah, I told you, love you, love you forever ……
so, I will, you have my word, just in my own way ……
the way  I  love you could be --- like Morandi's painting
it could be very silent, minimal, thin, but very sensual also
yeah, I am a, a very detached + crazy artist
I  want you come close, but I also don't
physical sex, is ……    
或者 他 只是好奇  觉得你很奇怪
奇怪  为什么你会这么长时间  都喜欢我？
为什么   为什么  为什么喜欢我？  喜欢我？
或者   他只是习惯了  得到他想要的东西 ……
Do you love me?  Do you love me ………… do you?


<对折>    : )     是写给我的吗？

At the moment I give you, I lost myself ……

 
后来  他们的船去了各自的方向
他去了虎跑寺  而雪子回了日本
爱是慈悲  因为懂得你  所以心疼你  爱你……
律宗  是有意义的吗？   人有这么强烈的欲望 ……
律宗  是真的可以做到的吗？即使做到了  为什么要这样？
李叔同可以做到的事情  我也可以做到的吗？  为什么要这样？
是解脱吗？ 你真的可以停止爱吗？  得不到的痛 不是一样的痛吗？
至少你还有铅笔和橡皮
他是爱你的吗？
他说 can't

They are sitting on the beach, the sky floating pinky clouds, some sea-birds flying. March stand up, say, i'll be right back …… and he turn, look back at Lulu one more time, and left. Lulu sitting there, wait for him …… wait for him. The sky turns dark purple. Lulu stand up. There are some stones. Lulu stand there. Sad tear. She stand there, stones. And then she hear him calling her name. And feel his hands again. You know, after, after going through so many pain, finally be able to look into each others' eyes, and say, I love you too, never push me away again, don't use your cruel and cold side force me leave again, you know, it took so long to get to this point --- where we could talk and spend time together, even though, we do not always have much to say, but, how precious and touching, when, just, at least, say Hi or Good night to you ……   we'll get along well and communicate too. You are “new” to me, there are a lot of unknown area about your world I want to know. Show me, tell me, whatever you want to. It's totally fine. I am here with you.  Hug you. Hope you could be relax, trust this love, and painting! And surprise me with your work again! Like, I will draw as much as I can too. It doesn't mean I don't love you when I am drawing. You know how it feels when you make art, engaged. You are be loved, kiss your forehead.

And, yes, he is an angel, he is your private angel, has the most tender + soft hearte ♥ in the world, and yes, he love you, more than you can see, he has done a lot, more than you have noticed, yes, love you deeply, and want you too, badly, yet, he is your angel, accompany you, protecting you, keep you on your path, and, and, he is very very pretty, and it's a test to you, to test your endurance, to see if you can give yourself to your dream – to become a great artist, and, if, if you dare run away from your easel, dare say “I love you”, he punish you, yes, punish you for love him, and be very cold and cruel when punish you, see you cry made him very sad, and the drawing you made for him, he love it so, yet, he couldn't take it, and you, too, he can't take you, not because he doesn't like you, he has his reason, he is your angel. Now, you understood, right? Hug you, in imagination. In tear now, though. I miss you …… miss you so……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
chapter 19         子规                                                                                                            

那些晃动的树影
小小的方形的院子里
有几棵树 
小小的矮矮的树
还有喇叭花  : )
子规在那里写他的俳句
那是他的全部的生命
 全部的世界
有两种人
或者更多种
比如 淳 是宽广的
而 子规 是深邃的
他的世界很小
他好像也不需要太多 right?
我的可爱的然而绝望的素描
my Pinky
Unbearable Lightness of Being
好像一定要是他
又好像也不一定
哪一个才是真的？
我的画  是有意义的吗？
如果有  是什么？
蓝色的彩铅笔
just cross-hatching
just look at my drawing
it involves all I want to say
or
I am even not sure
what I want to say
just
looking at myself
from a distance
very detached
just working
我很坏
这样子
你还爱我吗？
还爱我吗？
嗯？

 

I know you are tired for have been here for so long ……
I want to release you from everything ……
there's nothing you “should”
play your guitar song
that's all I want

 

this winter will be very cold
do 2 drawings simultaneously:
Blueberry + Strawberry
will be very detached
from everything
just draw
and then I will, will draw <green lemon>, for you    : )
if you know:
我很孤僻
非常非常孤僻
if you know:
love you, too

After finishing the 100 skeleton drawings
where does my pencil is going to lead me to
probably still nowhere
just be able to draw a little bit better
maybe your drawing becomes more obscured + more esoteric
but it's fine
I didn't mean to please anybody with my work
or exchange anything with my work

你应该像子规一样
就在他的小院子里
安安静静的写俳句
写的好  或是不好
又有什么关系？
Who cares?
谁是你的listener?
March?  
For a little while, yes
it's like
you like Miko's work
because you are still curious about it
curious about how to make it
but now you see
how different your are
I think, you are trying to set a clear separation from any other artists
try to build up something belong to yourself only
but how?
Your cross-hatching is from Da Vinci
it's Not original
yeah, it's an etching way --- layers after layers afer layers ……
but printers have done that long ago
it's Not original also
I guess
Miko would like to see your work
to be innovative
create something completely different from him
but it has nothing with him anymore ……
it sounds cruel
when I am different from you
I feel unsafe
but also, it's a new freedom
like cold wind blowing my cheek
you are right
art is about discovering a new way you look at this world
but I need you, still need you, for now
need me for what?
Need you to …… to ……
I don't know …… hard to explain in words
stay with me
I think, need you to give me the sense of safety
but art is not about feel safe
home is  safe: your families, cooking …… things like that
art is a adventure
is infinite possibilities – traveling to unknown places
even though this stack of 40 by 60 inches papers
is your entire world
there should not be any limitation
if you feel :  you still need to “borrow” Miko's composition
do it
do as much as you can
like Windowsill-series or Destiny-series
play with it
till you get bored
but Miko doesn't want to prevent you from experimenting new methods
you will get out of his influence, gradually
even when you are using his drawing-language
the black and white --- Heaviness
it's so different, right?
So, don't worry, don't worry
you will get there
get to where?
Get to a point --- yourself, your own art, your own music
Hao made me very sad last night
and March too
and I cried
don't cry ……
Ying, don't cry ……
hug
he try to wake you up
let you face the truth
and the truth is ……
it's cruel enough to crush your everything you have right now would be destroyed

 

云

 

flying

 

死去 

would you looking for me?
Would you miss me?
There is a certain area where
even the most intimate friend couldn't understand
or you don't want to be completely understood
or even yourself couldn't understand
sometimes it's just chaos
so don't explain anything
just be yourself
just draw

 

诡谲的险境

 
要关上窗户吗？  

 

那个青年
十年的时间
与世隔绝
这个混乱纷繁的世界
然后他懂了
只不过是时光匆匆如流水
nothing      really nothing left
and for me
drawing is just a way I exist,
a way I breathe
最后  他什么也不需要了

任性和冲动无法控制的时候  
爱总是让人哭
好孤独……
下着雨也要勇敢前行
天哦哦……
 


痛看到我们的手
没有脸
镜子只显示我们的对面的灵魂
一个单行道之间是松林
我们的武器在一个小宝贝
他的名字(希望)
收集更多的手然后
和像我们的肩膀
你放开我的手去抓住另一个
我失去了你在人群中
我很害怕
宝宝开始长大
他的手, 紧紧地被困在我的喉咙
你不是在任何地方
只剩下我们的声音
漂浮
开始吸灰尘
所有我能想到的是我们的孩子
然后我祈祷
和我点燃蜡烛, 虽然我还没过
我还记得看着天空
带我们到最后一刻
然后我感觉到你的手
让我们充实
我在这里
-你说
-我会一直在这里

yes, I will. Don't worry ……

Chapter 21   

the man on the beach                                                                                      

“This is for you.”  she took the bread the man handed to her, mute and emotionless. “Hey, at least say Thank you!”  “thank you” she said, pushed out the handle of the door, there were some black hand-stencils on the glass and the window-frames, as if, someone who just did a pencil-charcoal drawing, came here, and left trace on the door. She smiled, slightly, because it reminded her her own early memory long time ago, when she was a art student, somewhere, yeah, somewhere, somewhere ……  she even still could not mention or think about the name of it, because still pain, deeply. And his name too.

 

As Thomas looking at Teresa, sleeping beside him, breathing deeply, he knew, that he love her a lot. Es muss sein! She is his fateful love, his destiny. He knew that clearly! That is why he come back for her, from Zurich back to Prague. He can feel that, she needed him, needed him, needed him …… need his hug deep hug with his arms lean against his chest, need his kiss on her forehead and neck, need his tender touch on her breasts, heed his cuddling up tightly around her waist, need his little meaningless monotonous repeatedly words before sleeping, need to be able to sniff his smell, need to be loved, be loved, be loved …… he even wipe gently her disappeared tears on her cheek. He saw everything she experienced, during these days they were separated. However, he also feel like, as if, they, two of them, standing in the midst of a vast snowing plain, shivering from the cold, so distant and detached, as if they never knew each other before. How could it be? How could it be?  I thought, I thought, es muss sein! If Teresa happened did not enter his life, but another anonymous woman, would he have loved her, the same as he love Teresa? Is Teresa replaceable? Or is she just identical to any other vaginal he used to fulfill his physical pleasure?

 

It's been 5 years passed, as after she heard the news – the news that he died. Whatever the reason caused his death, he died, died, and could never come back again. She started smoking. She never smoke before. She even persuaded him to quit smoking. And he felt a little bit annoyed by her, but also quite a lot be moved, because all the others, they smoke together with him, while talking, this and that, whatever, chat bullshit balablablabla…… she is the only one worried about him. Now, she standing there, saying nothing, looking at the traffic, the yellow caps, the rushing people in front of her eyes, emotionlessly, and just smoke. She never smoke before. At the beginning, it was a little bit difficult, because she did not know how to control the breath, while the smoke going through her throat, feels like, choked water in the swimming pool. But soon, she felt the metaphysical meaning of smoking. It's nothing. There is nothing good to be doing so, but, just do it. Like you draw, right? Yeah   : )      Drawing is an absolutely meaningless thing, yet, why is it so heavy? So heavy. Why couldn't it be like a one-time thing --- like a thin paper coffee filter? Have you ever seen it? It looks like the base of a cupcake, with waving curved line on the edge, how simple yet pretty it is. At the time you see it, you know, it is just one-time thing, you will have a new one next time you make coffee. But is it really that light, that weightless? If you raise your arm, lifting a paper coffee filter, loosen your hand, and watch it falling, twisting, and turning, in the air, and landing on the floor, during the a few seconds as it floating, it's as beautiful as a butterfly. Sure, it never be what it for, if you do that with it. But has everything have to have a realistic function to be useful? Can it, can something, just be beautiful, for itself? Like a drawing, why, why it has to have something to say? Why couldn't it be enough just be beautiful?  A very superficial pretty beautiful existing? Why? Why not?  As she smoking there, standing at the spot, where he used to be, thoughts going through her mind, a lot of times, very very warm, but she quarrel with him too, especially when it concerns fundamental principles about drawing, she has more and more and more different opinions from him, which made him pain, he suffering from the pain as she moving away from him, inevitably, as she growing up to be an independent artist, the difference, that's what she was seeking for, yeah, she didn't want to be the same as him, though, it has nothing to do with her love to him. He understood that, but sad. He would like to keep her in his arms forever, and never let her go. But his reason tell him, no, no, she will leave me, eventually. Don't leave ……  ”is it real?  Is it real?”  he remembered, during the demo, as he mentioned that he was going to quit the job, after that semester, she became very very worried, and looking at his face with her eyes, and asked, “is it real?”  “No, I won't …… I won't. ”  he can't bear even to imagine the scene his little one cry. Yet, he can't take her with him, anyway, can't, right?   Now, I draw better than you, technically, drawing, – realistic drawing, if you view it, limited within the square of light and shadow type of things, it really isn't that difficult. Once, at the cast-hall, he was giving critique to her Wrestling Men, she said, detail is not difficult, and he was shocked, even feel a little bit offended by her words, because he knew how difficult to make the details in good balance in a complex drawing, you need the ability to control the overall gradation, including all little tiny things happening on the stage, almost like making a movie. And now, he agreed her words, yeah, for her, details not that difficult anymore. After years of training and exercising, her pencil has brought her up to that level. Making an outstanding amazing work, is just the daily routine thing which it “supposed” to be so, naturally, without questioning it at all. He was very much touched by her strict working ethic, her crazy engagement, like an art-monk --- yeah, she learn that word from me  : )   she learn intimacy from me also, and many many other vocabulary words from me   : )    I build her up!   Yet, she comes out so differently, amazing! This is like the best, really, really the best student I ever had, who could hear what I am saying through my work, could hear my heart, could bring it to a new level, with the way she loves me – with her work. What if I met her earlier in my life? And she appeared at another time and space, in my life? And we work out in a intimate relationship, lifelong, or at least for a period of time?  Life would be completely different, if without her. She is so special for me, no one loves me the way she did, does, and is going to. And I love her too, deeply, too. She smoke there, touching the yellow mechanical pencil he gave her – yeah, that magic pencil from “God”, which helped her overcome many difficult hurdles while approaching, and tell herself, don't give up. She smoke there, one after another cigarette, without desire to talk to anybody, because she carry him within her being, carry his weight on her shoulders, all the time, even when she was flirting with other guys, yeah, she had a very flimsy side too. But he never die, never. Like Xin has passed for several years, but it still hurtful, it's just toooooo difficult to accept the fact – the cruel fact, when something is over, especially when it's about someone she had emotion involved, either its sexually attracted love, or just friendship warmth that she invested. She is just so …… so not capable to “leave” emotionally.  That school, that cast-hall, her small red bike ……  she still feel like she belong to that corner of the cast-hall, and make cast-drawing everyday. Yet, they don't want her, it's a permanent indulgence. A humiliation and hatred. That's the first time she experienced how much be hated. Quote: “to smoke, and have coffee …… and if you do it together, it's fantastic. To draw, and when your hands are cold, you rub them together ……”  and dear Miko, it's perfectly for you      : )           she miss him every day, every minute, just, just can't without him. Is it lightness or heaviness? She is confused, just keep reading.

 

She was sitting on the bench, with a piece of bread in a transparent plastic bag, on her legs, she was wearing a brown long sweater-dress, which looks fuzzy and warm. Some pigeons walking close, wagging their heads and tails, want some bread. But she ignored them. She never like pigeons before. Well, she like some birds, like snow-swan, not swan, because their neck is too long and too delicate, and she does not like black crow either, she actually afraid of crows, because of its dark color and its vocal sounds, she likes white seagull, which feels like nice and clean, and flying in freedom, not soaring in high high high sky, but just over the sea surface, the wind blowing its cheek ,  and she likes the moment when father-penguin holding a baby-penguin on his feet…… she was fascinated about taking photos of the reflections on the big glass-windows of stores, especially on busy commercial streets with a lot of people. She was especially attracted by lovers, if they holding their hands. She was not quite sure why she envied that. Does she really need it also? Or the thing she more preferred is her solitude. You suffer from it, but you need it, a lot. You need to work independently, alone, in the darkroom to wash the films, the ambiguous gray light in that space, and to feel the sense of passage of time. 子规，在他的小院子里，写俳句  she likes to go to the crowed + smelly underground subway carriages, and observe various passengers, they have different hair-styles, facial expressions, clothes, shoes, belongs, colors ……  they are in different situation. Yeah, they are in the same world, mad word, mad world …… yet, they live in completely different reality. She could see, that, some people, suffering, miserable faces, callous eyes, sweaty noses, tiring wrinkles, endlessly fatty folding of their fabrics, stupid leathered handbags, bullshit newspapers, hateful forced votes to the two candidates – either one you don't like at all.  She took photos of them, catching and recording the moments of them, everyone, everyone no matter you are rich or poor, old or young, pretty or ugly, or any career to make a living, you are just a fragile life, you only live one time, right? She took photos of the neighborhoods children, and the kids she was taking care of as a nanny. Does she love them? Those kids she taking photos and videos of?  It, it, you can't say it's love, it's farrrrrrrr from what love means, it's very detached, but she concerned while she was watching them, and a lot of time, pretty much affective, even though she would not showing anything, or give any reaction, she just doesn't want to be paid attention, another word, she just want to be herself, want to do what she love, with her little earning money. You never know, how much her camera means to her. In terms of what photos it shoot, really does not that important. The point is, to spend time with your camera, or, with your brush, if you are a painter. It's like, you love someone, and you want to spend time with her, right?  And what do you do being together? Making love?   Holding hands?  Walking on the beach?   Silence?  Anything, anything happened between you two, is happiness, if you are in love.

 

I think, you need to carry the weight of your fate on your shoulders, even it's very cruel, and cruel, and unbearably painful to you, but you need to carry it, and try to achieve your dream, with the pressure of your reality, and don't run away, because there is nowhere you can go, because if you go to another place, you will see, that you are in another situation, and maybe more difficult or worse things – that tie you, bound you, limit you what you can do. There is no way out, except working. Being an artist, just work, that's the only medicine. People, leave you. But, your pencil, doesn't. You are lucky, at least, you still love drawing.

 

She couldn't find him anywhere, and then, she guess, that, he might be in the tavern. Yeah, found him there, drunk, leaning against the wall, sleeping there, with water running out of his mouth, strong smell of alcohol. She hold him up, wrap him with a blanket, accompany him, until he wake up. She knew he went to the bar, but she never know he is a barfly like this. Regret? no. just take care of him. To trust, to love, and treasure, even though, that person, has a lot flaws, and just a normal piece of paper or just a trash in other people's eyes. But if you love him, he is the best in the world. And at the time you can feel, you belong to him, you are no longer homeless anymore, he is your home.   And she burn all her photos before the suicide, try to erase all her traces on this world, and just disappeared. 

the final chapter    and she is gone ……

 

This is so beautiful! She is so talented! You know what, I just saw her hard-working! She is so young, and she has the solo show at Met! Incredible! Do you know how she mananged it? Just with her pencil – her Pinky. Do you know her in person? Yes. She is my …… my student. And I am so proud of her. Why there is always a small green man in her work? Well, I don't know …… 

 
I don't know, if you still love me, after reading this “novel” 
and I heard a voice: stop all these stuff, just draw!
Back to work ……

part two                                                                                                                                   

chapter 1    purple-gray
chapter 2    American Spirit
chapter 3    Rose
chapter 4    South
chapter 5    Wings of Desire
chapter 6    the Horse
chapter 7    dear Theo

​

 

 

 
chapter 1 purple-gray                                                                                                              

 
Will you?  Let me think about it, ok?    He need me ……  but I …… and my drawing …… Where is her mum?   No one can do better than her mum, and I do not have experience of how to take care of children. Yeah, but you love her, too, I know that.  Yes, I do, I do love her. Do anything for you. But my drawing ……   she is 6 now.

 

She sit on him, with tear hardly couldn't hold anymore, hasten the conclusion, and jump off his bed! So ashamed!   Couldn't stop herself picture another man while sex with her own husband! What is husband! What that word mean! You just have to pay the rent! And you have told yourself that …… that …… but that person just crush into mind even now?!  So ashamed about what I am doing right now. What you are doing?  After that, just need to be alone right away, away from everything, just by myself, feel like be slapped harshly again.

 

It's a pleasant studio, with a north-side window, on the top, it's curved, like a small rounded church. Do you like it? Yes! I love it! Lulu walks to the window, lean on the wall, and look outside ……   and she also have a small red coffee-table, where she put her bamboo palette on. He encouraged her to pick up brush, and restart painting again. Yeah, it's amazing …… yeah, the texture of paint, a little bit sticky, yeah, keep it thin and flat, as Morandi did,  and she also likes the familiar smell of turpentine. Years ago, she actually tried how it taste with her tought, and contained the idea, it's terrible if drink this to suicide.  Everything seems pretty nice and sweet. But she knew, a stormy cloud is coming. Not because she no longer love him anymore, not that, it's …… she is very very bad at this point --- she need him, definitely need, but she must be alone, working alone, without be watched from the back, by anybody, even him!  You love me, but you can't spend time with me? It's hard to understand. Yeah, that's the way I am, I think, that's because, because I have been lonely for so long, and get used to it.

 

He lying on the floor, with bare feet, basically, nacked, because he is a model, and it's 5-minute break. With his eyes tightly shut down, frowned eyebrows, and wrinkled lips, he must had a harsh night yesterday, maybe he worked overnight. Lulu looking at him. Holding her pencil in her hand. This poor man, curved back, and curved lower legs, and messy hair, he, he. Bibibibibibibibi   Don't, just don't, don't wake him up, give him one more minute. Miko saw it also. After the class, he went to the tiny cell to put on clothes, with the door slightly open, Lulu talked to him, asked if he had time some time so she can draw him again. Something touches you, the sorrow you saw, and you are utterly helpless to the sufferer, hurt. Or you prefer you it never happened?  No, let me see, let me see this  world, even though, a lot of times, it's so cold and cruel and dirty.   I show you, you want me to be frank to you, but when I show you the reality, you walk away. So coward!  No, you don't understand, the reason I can't stand it, because I have experienced enough poor and tough environment, it influenced a child's personality heavily, few encouragement, few smiling face, never heard “Great! Beautiful!” things like that, basically, just drawing by myself on a tiny blue-line paper-pack. But had threw all of them away, because I thought they were terrible, like people's nose has only one hole.  It's funnnny, though.

 

Soon they start “cold quarrel”, rarely talk, avoid each other's eyes, even hug feel differently. It's just me, very very very bad, you knew that. She uncontrollably love him, yet, couldn't, just couldn't work out, because she know herself so well, and foresee everything so lucid. So she prefer not touch it, so it's still pretty, in memory. The candle keeps burning, change another new lead for my Pinky, and just working calmly and colly, even though she can sense his eyes, his heart, his love, his everything doing for her. But what can we do? You tell me! Where can we go?  She cried, when miss him badly. Just working.

The toilet-bowl is old, dirty and disgusting. Some newspapers scattering on the floor. The glass is foggy. Some toothpaste on the edge of the washing-table. A lot of work. But it's fine. While she holding the Iron moving back and forth on his black shirt, remembered that once he said, his black-tie is sternum. Love you, love you, do anything for you.   Wrap the dust from the top of the mannequin, see the little polar-bear etching I printed for you, and you still keep it !     : )    

 

He cried silently, after she left the room. I love you so …… love you so ……  even though I know that you love Miko and March more than me …… more than me …… and you love your art more than me ……  is 9 years nothing for you? Am I nothing for you? But I love you anyway, and I will try my best to support your art, it's ok you love them in your heart, I am here, I am here. You know, I have changed, I am not the same one as the one you met 9 years ago. At that time, I only have a dream, but didn't know how difficult it is yet, just happy sunny me. It's a terrifying prospect --- thinking of have to live together with parents in law in the same apartment when they are ooooold.  The way they talk to me, too much details, too much care, I don't need! I don't neeeed!  Anything takes my drawing time away is bad thing!  Must get out before that happen, must end up before sink even deeper in the mud. But honestly, isn't there any any joy for you in this marriage?  Sure, of course, there are many nice moments, and I do appreciate, but you can't be self-deluding, if it's not, it's not, nothing can instead of true love, just the warmth – when you getting along for so long, the friendship is meaningful, but it's not love, really isn't. What is lost, lost.

 

It looks the same, as the previous layer, or the difference is very very subtle, almost can't see! But you know it's growing, it's like, you are feeding a baby, every spoon is meaningful, and the baby just look the same as yesterday, right? But if you look at her 2 years later, you will see the difference, and you will remember her first tooth. So, just be patient, be gentle, completely devote yourself to it, and accept whatever comes out, even though it's a lot different than you expected, because you created it, it's your baby, and you love it, sometimes you only aware of it after a period of time. Nothing is certain, there is no correct answer, but maybe that's why you love it, right?  And be away from the elements distract your attention from your art, hold your spot!

 

The water is blue, and transparent, absorb me, holding around me, close my eyes, feel the weightless floating like a leaf, everything stopped, nothing bother me anymore, out of the serious and overloaded art for a second, I am not an artist right now, I am just a fish, I do not want anything, do not need anything, just stay in this water, feel the water, be the water, lost my physical shape and gravity, lost unbearably sensitive feelings as a human being, I melt ……  disappeared without any trace, no body can see me anymore, no body talk at my ears anymore, no security camera catching me anymore ……  the water is transparent and blue, so do I.    Where are you?  Where are you?    You know, you can't catch water, because it's water, it's flowing and changing all the time. If you try to catch it, you only lose it, the only thing you can do, is holding it, with your hands, as tender as you can, as gentle as you can, and don't say anything ……  don't do anything. If you could understand what I am saying. What does “husband” mean?  Or it's better to be a monk.

 
It's for you, I got it. The flying kite. What happened to you? Nothing to do with you, though.

 
Don't worry about me, as long as I am still drawing, I'm fine. Look at my website at the end of each month. Won't cut my wrist before finish the 100 skeleton promise. Sometimes, really don't know how long I can make it, if without you.  Just leave ……
 

 

 

 

 

 

 chapter 2     

American Spirit                                                                                                                           

《亚麻色的少女》   soothing

 Three layers of shadows alternating, of the yellow chair on the floor.

好像永远也画不完了……   上次你有这种感觉的时候  结果是很快就结束了

no, this one is different, it's a challenge.

 

I love you. What?  At the beginning, I was just curious what Lulu was talking, to anybody, since she has recorded the conversation with you, so I listening to it. It was just for fun, but curiously, your weight becomes heavier for me, and I look at your website, your work is amazing! You are so honest. You are doing what I wanted to do. Oh, really? Actually, I looked at your works too, being curious who attract her attention. And it's cool! The color-relations and simple shapes, very sharp, I can even see your personality out of it, kind of being straight-line, strict principles, yet unlimited gentleness. Oh!   : )     and you are so cute! He smiled, like a blooming flower under sunshine. His small pale-blue jacket. And his black jacket.

 

I notice you empathize movies a lot in your teaching. Yeah, I am pretty much obsessive about films, especially old black and white films, existentialism, you know?   Yeah, yeah, Camus, I love it, too. There is a movie I like all the time, Wings of Desire, have you ever seen that one?  Yes. And you are just like an angel, just a little bit, too ……beautiful, I can't even move my eyes away from you, you are so handsome, I can see your snow-white wings. Miko put his big hands higher of his shoulders, as if he was touching his wings.

 

You are so cool, black is always one of my favorite colors, I mean, it's very very special for me, the darkness, the mighty power, the desperation …… I always wanted to use it in my work, but not sure how to go about it. That's maybe because you are afraid of shadows, afraid of the impact from a strong light-source. I am very much interested how you juxtapose several colors together, especially when the colors are in a family, like the pitchers (blue)  I love it!  You are a sensitive and shy person. And you are a brave captain.  They shake hands, the hands they use to draw and paint, artists’ hands!

 

And you want to listen what Lulu saying, because? Because she is funny, a funny idiot, and I love her, and I would like to find out everything about her, where she come from, how she grow up, what books she read, what music she listen, people in her past …… in a word, I want to know, what made her, why she thinks and talks this way, so funny. And you are so important for her, I opened up her computer, and saw a file, collecting all your recordings, your photos, your artworks, and it's marked red.  Yeah  : )    sometimes she feels like she is my dog, just rely on me so much.  She doesn't know what she is doing, she is dreaming, sometimes she gets too hilarious, and I have to turn her down, because she lack the ability to control herself. I don't think so, she has very strong working ethic, just like you, but, your works are so different from each other. Yes, she learning from me, but comes out in a interesting way, very original and creative, it's not mature yet, she just started it, but I can see the potential of this hopeful seed. 

 

She said you are her lighthouse, yes, you are a lighhouse, very awe-inspiring.   : )   she is growing so fast, she will get out of me soon, get bored, and leave, like a bird flew away. Don't be sad, that's the destiny of being a teacher, you give, you help, and you watch someone, only for a brief period of time, and when time runs off, they just leave, it's over, and you have another group brand new faces.  But she is different, very weird, I have been teaching for … like 20 years, and she is the only one …… disturb me so much! I kind of shocked, yet I am not sure what it is, the more I explore, the more I am attracted by her, and she said I am her hero   : )      and she told me that she would love me forever  …… but if she sense I admire her work too, then maybe she leaves me ……  she read my paintings, she can fetch the exact underlying meaning of it, just from the first sight, her instinct, and her eyes can go so deep into the details and represent them on paper, once she said “Details not difficult”  wow  that's not being proud, just the way she perceive the world and her capacity to interpret it with her pencil.  Have you ever noticed her pencil? A small pinky mechanical pencil. Yeah, she gave me one. Oh? She gave me one too.  It's a symbol of love, giving her drawing pencil to someone, means that person mean a lot for her.  I used to have an ex-girlfriend, I drew her in my work, and she was very little, too.

 

Need to smoke. You smoke too, angel?  Oh, yeah, me too, all men smoke. Only the cool guys.  Hahaha ……  American spirit! She has your cigarette-box on her bookshelf. Really? It's squeezed. Probably she picked it from trash-container after the class. Others smoking with me together, and chatting, and they wear boots similar like mine. Yeah, it's funny to see young people imitate you. But she is the only one did not, and just in a very simple white T-shirt, sometimes I forgot she's a girl, just see a growing tree, so vibrantly green, so vivifying and cute, she drove me crazy often, but I couldn't stop loving her. Yeah, the way she love you, seems very hysterical and abhorrent, like she copy your drawing ---- <Not Great Man> it never stop, very overwhelming, almost create a suffocation, and you just want to escape.    Oh, that one   : )    for some reason she kind of in love with that piece, and play with it, and made a variation her own way, experimenting new methods, I am glad it helps her exploration in her art. So you don't get angry when a student remake or transform your work?  No, I don't mind, no, I do, but not this one, this pleases me, and I’d love to see how she grow out of it.

 

The way you love her is very detached, yet very intense also. I think you have to be honest about it, when it comes down to it, be engaged, but be objective also, never forget your own insignificancy and who you are in the real world. The fascination and amazement from teaching, you know, a lot of students are going to admire you, love your work, ask you a lot of questions …… you can even be friends with them, a lot of adventure possibilities. Yeah, that's the fun part of being a teacher.  But you know, it's just job at hand, you earn your rent, entertainment type of thing. Interesting. But you have to give critique to shit too, stupid, you even do not have a word to say, or do not want to look at it at all, but you have to pretend showing an interest, have to say some fucking good words. So disgusting and sick being fake. Well, people are at different phase of their road, their attitude is more important than their skill, some just pick up brush in their 40s. Like you and me. How old are you? 45. i'm 42. you look like a 20    : )         

 

Miko, it's so much fun talking with you. You too. Let's let this happen again.  And they forgot about the original reason they started the conversation was Lulu. Lulu standing there, watched their backs, she can not hear what they are talking about, because they are getting away, but their happy smiling faces show how exciting even intimate they'are talking together. The railway-tracks going far farrrrrrrr away, and they follow it.  They do not need me anymore. It's time to fly. In her backpack, she has a sketchbook, a small blue metal box, which has a music-MP3, and a camera – she would like to take photos of those beautiful but ephemeral moments, just for herself, but sometimes she hopes he could see it also.   When you are carrying something heavy on your shoulders, at the beginning, it Is heavy, but then you get used to it, it becomes part of you, you aware of its existence, but almost in a weightless lightness way, that's because you transformed, the people you love or things you love, or books, anything, anything you experienced, are going to change you, profoundly. Lulu really appreciative, right now, she feel disconcerted and careless, just soaring, in the baby-blue sky. 

 

 

 

 
Chapter 3  Rose                                                                                                                     

here the thief story continues.

He determine not steal from people anymore. And he has a name: Jack.  He standing at the bus-station, holding 10 red roses in his arms, he could only afford 10, and this is the number 125 days he waiting for her here. He only dreams her once, in the dream, she smile to him, so beautiful. Being stop dreaming her for long, he almost forgot how she looks, except her purple-pink raincoat. And this day, he saw her again!  He is overjoyed! Want to say Hi  but he feels like, his lips, just, he became so shy, in front of her. She is wearing a long white dress, holding a 4-years-old boy in her right hand. The little boy wearing a small blue-grid shirt, eating a candy. He mute. Who is it?

 

Oh, hi, nice to meet you!  Oh, hi. Smiling, the same, no, more beautiful than in his dream. My name is Jack, I am a school-bus driver now. Do you mind if I seat next to you? No, please sit. What's your name? Rose. Rose? Yeah. These are for you.   : )     no, oh, no, I can't take it, but thanks.  Can I see you again?  Yeah, I work at the Starbuck right in the corner of 22 street.  Who is this little boy? My nephew.  Ohhhhh     : )    he is so cute, little handsome!   And the boy just drop his candy down to the ground.

 

Their first date, a transparent plastic bag dangling from her shoulder, you can see what's inside: a sun-glasses, a pink lipstick, and a book --- Unbearable Lightness of Being. Have you ever read this book?  Oh, yeahhhhh. Actually he didn't, he just do not want to expose his ignorance in front of her. After he got home, he read it and read it and read it day and night. He couldn't totally understand it, because there are something very difficult to comprehend, especially Nietzsche, Beethoven …… those culture things. He only finished elementary school, and then run away from his drunk father, if he could still call him a father. Out of all these years, completely out of contact, that's something he would rather never ever look at again, never want to mention. But he feels like, kind of, want to know is he all right? Get rid of me! I don't care! Go away!

 

Rose sits besides the big window, outside, it's sunny and bright, a nice day. Oh, where is your nephew? I brought a candy for him. Oh, you are sweet     : )     Jack.   That's the first time someone call his name with a smile, and it feels so warm, like a sunshine makes you warm. Give it to me, he is going to love it. She put it in her bag. These flowers are for you.  Oh, thank you! They are pretty! I love it! What color do you like? Pink? How do you know that? Your raincoat. My raincoat? How do you know my raincoat is pink?  So he told her how she step in the bus that rainy day, and enter his life also. He did not tell her about the 125 days waiting for her with flowers, worried that would give her too much pressure and will scare her away. And he dare not tell her that he was a thief.  Everyone has something they would like to hide and would not let anybody see, even the most close friends, and you need to respect that privacy, and give them space, and do not leaf through their sketchbook.

 

Soon, he feels like, his head is empty, he want to be interesting, want to make her laugh, but he does not know how. So he stand up, told her that there is some mechanical problem with the school-bus he is driving, and he need to fix it, and make a date for the next time. She stand up also, she looks more beautiful standing right in front of his eyes. He watching her face, shy to glance her boobs this time. And he holding her hands, for the first time, and he want her badly. Just be patient.  Life is beautiful, and love is a gift. He walking on the streets, looking at people's windows, one day ……  he curb himself thinking too far, because he fear the heartbreaking thing may happen, he would never ever want to lose her, but if she ask me leave ……  then  I would…… I do what she say. Want her hug. And he back to his flat, the book, the concept of heaviness and lightness, suddenly start make sense to me. If she comes to me, I will never ever hurt her by sleeping with other women, and let her cry in sorrow because of the jealousy, like Tomas did, I would ……  I would only love her. She is my only one. Kiss you. He couldn't stop himself imagine make love with her. Yes. But he got to curb himself, not being rude to her, because the mistake would be irreparable, and he would rather to keep it untouched until he is sure that she want it too. She looks so innocent, so simple, like a piece of white paper coffee-filter. He changed his blind, it used to be brown, and full of dust, now it looks nice and clean, baby-blue, with some clouds, and at the bottom, some flowers. She is going to like it  : )   thinking of the picture:  she standing behind the blind, he wrap her up with the blind, and use his fingers make her itchy and laugh, and open up the blind, and hold her waist.

 

That's July 15th, he went to the restaurant where they are going to have their second date, sit at the table, which covered with white linen, very neat, looking at the menu, guess what she would like to eat, is she a vegetarian? It looks like she is. She would not hurt anyone, anything. He waited, and waited. The pianist is playing Chopin variations. He chose this restaurant, because he guess she would like it. But waited, and waited …… all customers have left, and a waiter waved his hand to him. So he stood up, very disappointed and tired, wonder what happened to her. The next day, he went to the 22nd street Starbuck, and they told him, she quit and has gone. Why? You don't like me? You don't have to quit the job to avoid me. What happened, dear, tell me, what happened, anything, anything I will understand and accept and try my best to help you, you know, I love you ……  

 

Days pass by, clouds moving swiftly, as if they are hurry to somewhere, just nonsense,   Es Muss Sein! Bullshit! He still could not accept the fact that she has disappeared, unannounced, the same as she appeared. If someone has invented this story, he would give an end just like this. Nothing, nothing happened, just a transitory moment, just memory, all is your own imagination. “Your imagination is your reality, it changes.”  But how? Tell me how?

 

The kids say:  Goodbye Jack, have a nice day! And their parents say: Thank you, Jack, you are the best! He feel so pretty be trusted by people.  He miss her, he even do not have one single photo of her, her face has become blurry, only remember her pinky raincoat dripping water. At least, I gave her flowers, at least once, and touched her hands, “Nice to meet you too”     : )     he smiling with tears in his eyes. Should I forget about her, or should I live with the imaginary her in my mind? But how could I forget about her, how could I live without her, yet painnnnnnnnn           Hi Jacky, could you give me a hug before I go?  Yes! So he give a hug to the little kid, or rather say, the little kid give him a hug! So nice, isn't it?

 

It's a small rounded clock, on the table. He kissed his forehead every morning, and they have breakfast together, warmed strawberry-milk, bread with apple-jam, and egg. Jack would hug his little boy, and feel exactly what happiness mean. Probably he is the only one school-bus-driver in Prague, who sends his own boy to school with the school-bus everyday. Nothing else feel safer than Dad hold your hands.

 

The wind blowing the white-linen blind, softly. They lying on bed, naked. Jack held Rose in his arms.  So tell me, why you ran away? Oh, I wasn't running away …… mum was sick …… that's true ……  but honestly, because I am afraid. Afraid of me?   No, not afraid of you, you are so nice to me. I am afraid of …… I never really be loved in a relationship, and I don't know how to …… get along. When you gave me flowers and holding my hands, at that moment, I knew you love me …… but I …… I can't stand if one day you leave me. So you leave me first? A timid small rabbit. And I, you know nothing about me …… Oh, he kissed her neck, I know everything about you …… No, I am very, just a very normal one, you will lose interest soon, and will feel so disappointed, not as good as expected at all. No, that's not ture. You are very beautiful, just lack of some self-confidence, you are beautifulllllll, kissed her shoulder. 

 

Who is this person? He lives on the eastern side of the village. Have you ever met him? Yeah, he sells horses at the Sunday-market with Amish people. Yeah, is he cute? Always wear a grass-hat. So you took photos of him? Yeah,   : )   he is my model!   Do you like him?  Yeah! Of course! He is so cute!  Thomas got jealous, but did not say anything, but Teresa did not realize it at all.  The next day, she brought the films to the dark-room. Thomas held her waist, promise me, you only love me …… I promise you, love you. Kiss me ……    Hey, I need some more films for my camera, can we go to town?  He looked at her eyes, we only have $25 left, and we bought some potato and bread yesterday, driving the truck for the villagers earn only a little bit, you know the reason we came here …… yes, I  know.  Are you happy with me? Yes! But I also want to take photos, I wasn't aware of it until the Russian tanks occupied Prague, I was so exciting feel like I am  an artist, that's who I am, that's what I want to do! He looking at her eager eyes, knew she was serious. What shall we do? What shall we do? You changed! You changed!  I was just wake-up realize that I want to be an artist. Ok, fine, if that's what you want to do, that's ok. He opened the cabinet, took out a grass-hat, and put it on his hat.  Do you like it? A bitter-smile. She just turn back her shoulders. He held her hands, walk to the little stream, with rows of trees, where they used to be walking here often, when they first moved here. And he took off his clothes, lay down in the water, so I’ll model for you, ok? So she form a square with her two hands, and ka ka ka ka ka ka took “photos” of her man, the photos of moments in your memory. Teresa watched the flowing leaves on the water, not knowing where to go, feel sad. Thomas understand. He just held her in his arms, without saying anything.

 

Rose is cooking at the small kitchen, she like the way it is right now, her man, her child, her sweet + happy life. One day, they sit at the rounded table. Listen, you know, I love you more than anything in this world. Yes, I know   : )      before I met you, even on that day I met you on the bus, I was a ……  A school-bus driver   : )        No, I was a ……   I feel I need to tell you, not cheat you. I was on the bus, because it was easier to get people's wallets, I was a THIEF!  Did you hear me?  A Thief!   She was stunned, opened her mouth, frown her eyebrows, this is the first time she feels like, this man, who sleep with her every night on the same bed, is a complete stranger!  Why? Why you didn't tell me before we get married?   Because, because I was too afraid to lose you ……  I thought I have forget about you until meet you again , I already believe that you're my wife even before we started the relationship. I was not as good as you thought …… I was just a poor waitress. Little stupid! You should never judge a person based on the appearance. The society does, how you dress-up, where you go to school, who are your parents, how much you earn ……  people become more and more blind, something more precious + intangible be ignored, becomes nothing, oh, this unbearable lightness, like floating in the air.   But you are the only one person love me most in this world. I don't care what you did …… really? Ah ……  give me some time. Everyone has a darker side, or have done something bad which you feel ashamed + regret + terrible. Let it go, let it go …… just don't hurt anyone anymore, love this world, if you feel it's difficult, just maintain detached, chose a few to love, be kind, more for your own sake. Right?   Jack was surprised that she knew + understood, and love her even more. He feels like he is the happiest person in the world.

 

Tereza realized that she always just lived in this little corner, she never see the world. She staring at the ceiling, she wish that she could open up the floor, and see who is there. Is the Wings of Desire real? Is it real?  She rarely dream Thomas anymore, she still love him, but he become more and more distant, and she feels less and less. Some thing is fading away. Everything they experienced together, like scenes in a movie, runnnnnnn! Will he be sad? Will he looking for me? One day, she went to the stream again, and met a man there. He was wearing a shabby jacket, holding a bunch of branches in his arms. He put one on another, and again and again, and made a circle, and around the circle are more overlapped branches, so it looks like an empty rounded space. Interesting. He never talk to her, even didn't notice her existing. One day, it was raining, Tereza saw him lying down on the ground, let it rainnnnnnnnnnn, half an hour later, he stood up, leave an empty dry shape there, oh, a rain-shadow    : )    Thereza could not totally understand what he is doing, but the way he was engaged in his art, being, fascinated her, and she wish one day she could be a real artist too, although she was not sure what kind of art she want to make yet, with camera, yes, with my camera, to capture those moments which will never return.  And Thomas just followed wherever she goes, like a transparent shadow, watch over her, but be away from her also, because he understands that she need her own space to be herself. Artists are weird, sometimes esoteric, but it's fine. We don't have to be identical to “normal” people, or think + do things where people believe “right”, I think you need to give yourself space --- your own realm to be “crazy”.  I am not crazy, I am not, I know I am not, just lucid.  I wish I could back to before, it's more interesting when you wondering than knowing exactly what to do.

 

It's a black car parking at 2217 parrish street. As Lulu moved her small-red-bike out of the van, she saw the man in that car, so close. She was scared about what was going to happen. Once that happened, she will be killed. She had experienced how cruel people could be. Violence, hurt, by hands or words or visual. She wish she could go to a place where he can not find her. But the only place is suicide.

 

Time stopped, for a while, and then continued.

 

Tereza does not know how to “take” photos, yeah, she knows, no, she doesn't, what photo should be, to record a scene like newspaper? Or to create an illusion in dreams? Should it be realistic or should it be idealism? What is art? Art is freedom. Art is whatever float your boat. If it is whatever you want to do, then I am doing it? Because you love it. Why I love it? Because it makes you happy. What is happy? Happy is be engaged with what you are doing and enjoy the process. And happy is be loved. What is be loved? It's you feel warm and safe.  She know only little, very very ignorant, she just doing it by instinct, take photos of what attract her by first sight, without further thinking about it. Is it superficial, or is it innocent? Why art should have an underlying + meaningful depth? Couldn't it just be simple? She hopes that she could talk to someone “professional” but also afraid of their critical eyes. She does not want to be judged, she just want to be simple.

 

When Thomas was working in hospital, he used to see patients' CT with a backlit, usually bones, black and white, and it did look like a pencil-drawing, reversed, where everything is opposite to it should be, the light-source is black, but the absent shadow is white. Do you know what is surreal art? What is it? It feels + looks real, but it isn't, it exists, but also not. She couldn't understand what he is talking about, because she is lack of this kind of knowledge. He want to open her mind, but she is kind of stubborn and resistant, and that's why he feel she is stupid, yet that's why he loves her also. One day, they were sitting in a outdoor cafe, passers-by walking on the glasses --- the reflection on the windows, the figure and the background crossed and overlapped. I see. Sometimes, feel like you were here with me. 

 

Children wearing Halloween customs, parade, cute kids, sorry, I should prepare some candies for you guys. She watching these little “monsters”, smiled, it has been for a long time since last time she saw so many children. Little Spiderman, Egyptian King, bunny-kitty, ghost, deer, unicorn, policeman, and an infant too --- her or his young parents, say “thank you” when taking a candy, smiling, and put it in their pumpkin-basket, for their little one. And she saw a man, the way he walks, his back, the color of his eyes, and the shape of his face …… reminds her him, somewhere looks like him. Yet she know, that's not him, that's someone else, but she couldn't stop herself following his back while that person walking away. She closes her eyes. Immerse herself into the water. All people went to the Halloween-party, and she was the only one in the pool, the water was warm.  Somewhere ……  I am standing right in front of your eyes, yet you couldn't recognize me any more …… I am standing here, at the edge of the pool, watching you swimming, back and forth, back and forth, I wish I could tell you ……  don't cry …… I am here with you……

 

This is not right, if art is limitless freedom, why I feel I am lost, like a small animal lost in the deep forest, why I need the sense of safety in art? What is sense of safety in art? What is it? To be like “real” --- representational art? No, absolutely not, art has many forms, you can look at it from many directions. But, really, what is art? Art is being, like writing or songs, it's a way, to feel you live + breath, very very personal. Right, you are right. No, there is no “right” answer.

 

Hate unwittingly sex, hate the fucking tears!!!!!!!!!

 

you should open your eyes and see the bare fact, PAFA dismissed you, because they hate you. You cheat yourself, say, no, they love me, because you want to beloved, so you prefer to believe that they love you, have they ever told you with their lips, in person, ever told you that they love you? They only say: leave …… with a ice-cold face. They have their own lives, do they really need you? Who you are do you think?  And look at your own   photos after the school, so fat, you have completely changed, internal also, you are no longer that simple + happy girl anymore, can't you see the difference? And they are men, what men like? You really think they like you?. Don't be silly, they don't, and they didn't, maybe just for a second. And you really believe you could become a great artist? Do you think so? Look at your work, you lack of imagination and independence, and self-discipline. Great artists are original + creative + work alone + brave + have courage.  He never come, when you were waiting for him, at 2215 Parrish street, at state-college, and here, that's because he does not want. Stop being shameless, you don't know what love is, because you never be loved. Stupid idiot!  And why are you crying stupid idiot?

 

No, that’s not right, I think, anybody, especially artists, have the need to be loved, it’s natural, and you should not doubt what you felt, Miko Is a sincere + warm person, and him too, they maybe need to show the detached + distant attitude, when a student want more than they can give, they teaching to make a living, yes, they are selling art-knowledge both in art-history and their personal life-experience, but what you want, is not for sale, they are sensitive and aware of your sensation-situation, but, really, what they can do except watching you and say No?  if you love someone’s work, a song, for example, you can listen it, again, and again, and again …… to be involved by the song. You even love the singer. A fans? Yes. But you should not expect be loved back, hug + kiss + more …… really shouldn’t even think about it. Be quiet. Be quiet. It is ok to keep love them, if can’t stop, in your art, keep it flat will be ok. Don’t disturb them in reality. And you know you are coward + timid, lack the quality for further more. Poor thing.  It is important to, very very important, in art, to love someone and express it through your work, that’s the reason you make a work, even just for the sake of art. I can sense, that both Miko and March, have sympathy towards you, because they are both excellent artists, so they see your trembling soul, but they can’t help you.

 

Do you love me? Do you love me ……
What missed, missed.
What lost, lost.
Idiot

 

Teresa walking on the beach

 

中线和对称    允许在混乱中寻找   不要放弃
Of course, you are be loved, now draw
Find back the intensity with your pencil
Find back the original + austere yourself = that child
Someone画的好  你以为那是偶然的吗？
那是他的天赋和努力和信念    time + patience + love

粗糙感
 

 

 

​

​

Chapter 4       South                                                                                                                

There is something wrong with the proportion, the head is way too big, and the tilte of the shoulders is not quite right, you need to learn anatomy and practice how to draw figures in action. Make a copy of Millet's Seed-Sower.  So he watched how the teacher changed almost every single line of his sketch. It's a steel-worker, with curved back, holding a heavy hammer in his hands, chopping something, very intense. After the teacher make everything “right”, it looks not “right” anymore, it's not my impulse anymore, the very moment when I saw him when I really really want to draw him and drew in a hurry. He left his studio, disappointed, what is “right” in drawing? 

 

But he did make a copy of Millet's Sower, and one more, to understand him better, and he is so much touched by this sower, walking down from the hill, throwing seeds from his hand, everything is still, but he is moving! How to show a speed, like a running person, at the split-time? How to show the Sun is sinking down, and everything is illuminated in a muted orange light?  I hope, one day, I could see Millet, show him my work, and tell him, how much I love him! But my drawing is so bad! So raw! The line-quality issue, the black and white contract, composition – like how to gather or scatter figures on one piece of paper? Oh, I love this ink and bamboo pen! Need a lot of practice! A lot of work! Just working! I will make it! One day, I will draw as well as a real artist! Yes, I will! God help me. He opened Bible, the old Testament, where he put the little note there, and continue reading.

 

But soon he felt the urge to back to his desk and draw. He even did not have an easel, but he has a very very nice small wooden desk, with a drawer, which the landlord gave him. He just put the canvas on top of the desk, lean against the wall. He was pretty much obsessed with the bright sunshine of the South. Here, everything is so different from my hometown. Oh, I miss those little short bushes. How it looks if I change the background to be pinky-green? How it looks if I make the table-edge lower 2 inches or move the vase and flowers to one third to the right? Oh, this is so pretty. I couldn't decide which one is better, so I just make a couple, actually, all, so it's a series, it's all right, it's all right, it's not being hysterical and abhorrent, it's being honest, it's expressing your emotion without any limitation, it's freedom! Yes, art, any form, drawing, painting, songs, writing …… is freedom. Sure, you need certain amount of technique to be able to “speak”.   But, but my teacher, he just, technically much better than me, but why I feel nothing from his work? Those “perfect” works do not move me at all! Why? Why?     

 

2 weeks later, he knocked at his door, again. He waited outside for a long time, it was a gloomy day, the cloud was beautiful purple-gray. He took out the cigarette out of his mouth, threw it to the ground, and step squeeze it with his shoe. The door was open:  listen, I do not have …… I do not always have time or a good mood to teach you art, I have enough troubles to fight by myself, I have given you the rudimentary grammar – the basic thing, and here, some books for you, and you should not come to my door anymore. Do you understand? Now, goodbye.  He shut the door in front of his face, without looking at his face, or listening what he would say, just left him there. He felt enormously angry about he don't want to teach him anymore, not melancholy, just angry! I swear, I swear, I will draw as well as you! Draw better than you! You will see! He left sternly, without looking back.  But he was a “failure” while he was living, no body appreciate, or see, or buy his work, because his art is too weird, too esoteric, too obscured, he only sold a small square painting --- a grape-yard-harvest during sunset. Life is time to sowing, you are a farmer, you have to work hard, morning to night, and you will never know if the harvest will be good or not, rich or poor, you really should not think about that kind of thing, just focus on the job on your hand, this very minute, are you drawing a good line? When I say “good”, it doesn't mean perfect, it could be faulty and grainy, it just need to be right for the situation, need fit into its surroundings, everything is affected by each other in relationship, and gradation is just so complicated yet simple thing. You got to be a ballerina, super turning and turning and turning, you need to bring each gesture to that point, and keep the overall coherently. If you ever watched a running stream, you will see what I am saying.

 

天元：谁的画册都不要看了   忘记所有   就自己画

​那个弹吉他的人 是你吗？   Be torned

Dungggggggg …… how about that? This is just practice tape.   That's wonderful, Glenn.

Imagine there is no rehearsal, if we only live once. or, even if it is something you love it dearly, you want to make it good, and so you practice and practice and practice and you want to be perfect. And then you realize, that: this is the only time you could play the piano, this is the only one time you do cross-hatching with this blue color-pencil. But, if you take it as a “practice”, you are less nervous, in another word, you are more relaxed, and something more beautiful or leisurely-naturally flowing through your fingers as you touch the keys. Life is heavy, especially when you are doing a drawing for someone, or holding something you love a lot in your hands with all your life you could give to love it, you feel its weight. But because its ephemeral transitory going to disappear in a second or two, it becomes light, becomes a memorable moment, and you are not melancholy sadness anymore, just, just be with it in this brief moment.  And as time it's gone, it's gone, and you just appreciate that you had it. That's it.

Dear Miko:  you asked me what I want from you, in that dream. Here I tell you: I want to see your new work. You are still young. “old” --- for an artist, it means, when Degas, when his hands start shaking, eyes see all colors bluish, or brain stuck like a jam. I don't know if there is a point ---- peak, for every artist, it is different, it is the point, where you feel, well, this is the best I could do, I do not feel like I really really want to love to draw. I love you, Michael, if you could hear me.

It's all right if you still love me, it's all right   : )   

just put your time in your drawing, and I will look at it, sometime, I promise.

Chie  +  Liz  + Hydon + Hao ---- they exist in reality.

 

You really have nothing but your pencil with you.

For people who have a religion or moral belief, your “love” is really rude and bad, they hate be bothered, and you should walk away, they don't need extra you, you are a nonexistence for them, you don't understand this world do not need either you or your drawing, your drawing just so ridiculous, why you keep doing it, Beethoven's music shock me, ignorant, do what you can --- just draw, it is all right if you love pencil-drawing, that's all right. Miko had told you what to do, he want to see that you could concentrate with your drawing and surpass him and do something yourself.  Yes, Sir, i'll try.

 

卑微而脆弱的生命

 

How you work without music or your teacher's recordings or anything?   How you work?

I have myself, I observe, and I draw, simple.  And I read.

 

你的天赋和秉性都很普通 但是 你或许可以通过努力有一点点长进

子体的觉醒   缠绕的空气蛹  

天吾还是坐在滑梯上  

天上还是有两个月亮   一个白色   一个浅蓝色

他们彼此听不见

去每个她可能在的角落寻找

风吹过树梢 叶子的影子 不安地晃动

没有办法摆脱的捆绑

云是黑色的  走的很快

子体的觉醒  它还没有意识

 

喜欢它的简单 和 一种无法描述的无法用语言表达的“模糊”

喜欢它的不知道该怎么办 然而又非常非常努力的在尝试

喜欢它并没有意识到我的存在 那种亲密的疏离感

你要去哪里？ 我也不知道…………

 

你知道在纽约长大  和  在念坛长大   有多大的差别吗？

文化的差异  家境和教育的差异  本性和性格的差异  对爱的理解的不同 ……

所以没有人可以真正理解你的画   很多时候连你自己也不明白    不是吗？

所以即使是最亲近的朋友  也只能理解其中的一部分 

而其他的是他的很个人的理解  或者是误解  whatever

我相信好的图画或者音乐可以“穿越”    是能够被听懂的 

比如达芬奇的素描会和我说话  Michael的素描会和我说话 

有时候我可以听懂一些   以我的铅笔去理解他的作品

只是非常非常难遇到真正能听懂你的listener

所以所有的语言和解释都是多余的

让画面本身诉说

让颜色自己诉说

或者就只是沉默

Can you hear me ……

永远爱你们…… 真的……

永远爱Miko  

永远爱March

可是我似乎明白了……

并不期望被理解  因为没有人可以真正理解你

难以名状的悲伤……  或者是释然……

 

Damiel也不知道去哪里找那个飞人

可是他在大街小巷寻找她  然后他们就遇见了

不喜欢他变成人以后的样子

你很懦弱 所以你又期待又害怕他真的出现

我的身边也有隐形的天使在看着我吗？  

Just your imagination, just the movie, right?

 

可是你为什么想要别人看懂你的画？  你真的需要吗？

如果你只是为自己的心才画   为什么要在意有没有人可以听懂？

我就是这样的矛盾 好几个不同的侧面  对立着

我觉得  你在完成100张之前  都不要急着展示给别人看 

因为你有更重要的事情要做   而且你知道那是一件极其孤独甚至苦闷的事情

你的诺言   一定要做到  而且只能靠自己   没有任何人可以帮你

加油！加油！  你会做到的   一定可以做到的  for nothing

当你没有任何目的地时候  当你只是真的喜欢而喜欢的时候  才是真的喜欢

wings of desire 和 unbearable lightness 让你的心有点乱

just put it down

just draw

有一天  你会画出一张自己也很满意也很喜欢的真正好的画来

孤独

 

The end of Autumn

 

Chapter 6   the Horse                                               2016-Winter

它睁着大大的眼睛  看着我   我轻轻抚摸它的脖颈  无法走开

曾经也是在梦里  见到过这匹可爱的马  爱它 

这匹马--------我能感觉到它温柔而深情地爱着我

它没有名字   因为我还有给它取名字    叫它什么呢？   让我想一下……

你为什么那样子看着我……  为什么爱我…………

 

You try to stabilize the contour, but a lot of times, there is no contour, at all, just blurry.

You are right, there is no “line”, but there is, just very ambiguous, very hard to define, but it’s there. Or at least you start with line, and then find the moveable part, like Da Vinci did.  

不要着急  不要着急  you will get there   you will     be patient and trust your pencil


夜空中最亮的星 能否听清
那仰望的人 心底的孤独和叹息
OH 夜空中最亮的星 能否记起
曾与我同行 消失在风里的身影



#我祈祷拥有一颗透明的心灵
和会流泪的眼睛
给我再去相信的勇气
OH 越过谎言去拥抱你
每当我找不到存在的意义
每当我迷失在黑夜里
OH~夜空中最亮的星
请指引我走出去~(#OH~请照亮我前行)

夜空中最亮的星 是否知道
曾与我同行 的身影如今在哪里
OH 夜空中最亮的星 是否在意
更多更详尽歌词 在 ※ Mojim.com 魔镜歌词网 
是太阳先升起 还是意外先来临

我宁愿所有痛苦都留在心里
也不愿忘记你的眼睛
给我再去相信的勇气
OH 越过谎言去拥抱你
每当我找不到存在的意义
每当我迷失在黑夜里
OH~夜空中最亮的星

OH 请照亮我前行*

今天见到了梵高“很无聊”的两张风景画 

“勇敢”的意思就是  当没有人理睬你的时候  你能不能坚持自己的画风  你有没有勇气继续画下去

Miko: Draw! Draw more! It will be the most hurtful pain for me, if you stop drawing.

March: couldn’t recognize you anymore --- looking at <Why>, what happened? 

Like your small drawings   : )      draw + paint more, looking forward to see your new stuff

你现在画的很好  不要怕  加油！ 不要羡慕别人，就低头做自己的东西，不要去讨好任何人。

 

Miko, keep drawing, new work, I’m dying to see your new work.

Dan just told me I draw better than you now, I trust him, but I still couldn’t believe it.

Because you are my hero, you are my great teacher, yet, how could I, how could I surpass you?

But Dan said I am a idiot, who have done the drawings, yet not aware it’s good, very good.

He said, I am humble + sincere enough, but lack of self-confidence.

And don’t limit myself within the skeleton-theme, looking for new possibilities.

Miko, I pain and nervous, when he say I draw better than you now.

Do you think so? Michael, am I drawing better than you now? am I ?

Love you, love you forever, sincerely.  Hug me ……

2016/11/9

两小甂旋律 中间的 空白

单方向的 单色的 素描

能不能  什么时候能够做到  和达芬奇画的一样好

是的  你不可能回到文艺复兴的时代  可是你可以达到达芬奇的高度

我还是很害怕 和 没有信心

巴赫的“冷” 和 “淡漠”  涩涩的质感

然后呢？  等你画的和达芬奇一样好的时候   还是没有意义……

你可能需要先做到  然后你慢慢地才能明白其中的意义吧   或者就是没有意义……

I see, it’s a mood, a melody, 意义在哪里？  就是表达一种情绪， 当然你的情感是包含在里面的

或者你把它理解为一段舞蹈   时光的流逝  一个moment    意义在哪里？  你在那个moment里面

不喜欢《红楼梦》的繁复铺张华丽悲凉和哀伤…… 不喜欢了…… 因为

你喜欢你自己的画吗？  我不知道   它自己长成这个样子

可能有一天你连自己的画都不喜欢了  然后呢？

因为我看到曹雪芹的辛苦和心血   我看到我自己了

一个作品   你会因为它太好   而不忍再看 

或者你画的和达芬奇一样好的时候  也不敢相信你已经做到了吧？

别傻了  没有人可以画的和达芬奇一样好

因为你的天赋 + 耐力 + 自制力 都没有特别的好

勤能补拙  可是可能永远也达不到达芬奇的水平

所以你要有一颗平常心   完成100张画的时候   你一定比现在画的好很多   加油！

我觉得  我的素描可以画的和达芬奇一样好  应该可以做到的  他也是人 a great man

One day, this world, will look at you with respect, to be a great artist.

And both Michael + Marsh, will be proud of you too, one day, hopefully.

也许  有一天  人们会把我的素描挂在大都会美术馆  维拉斯贵之 “小公主” 的旁边   : )

不要有野心   不要用你的画去交换任何东西   只是单纯的画画   回到你小时候画画的感觉

如果你技术上和达芬奇一样好  却没有自己的内在的意思  也不行

其实就是光影和明暗 mighty + 柔弱  攥紧紧的 + 松散    就是节奏感

你这样子自言自语的   应该多画   多画一些    就能明白了

不要辜负那么好的画架子  那么好的纸和铅笔芯  

你的画在成长   你会成为一个成熟的炉火纯青的画家   可是不要丢掉童心

好的作品  都很单纯   不需要太多的装饰     简洁 和 直线

比如你觉得米勒的画感人   是因为那里面的人物 很温馨和充满爱

技艺可以推到极致  我相信   假以时日   你一定可以和达芬奇画的一样好

可是爱的缺失  是作品最大的缺憾   不过你应该像梵高一样坚强和勇敢和努力！

 

Teresa was ill, and did not go to work, that day, and Thomas happened to come to town to do the surgery. So, they missed the chance to meet, or it happened not happen, at that moment. As Thomas looking into the small hotel-restaurant, he saw a girl, in pale-pink shirt, with black apron covered in front, smiling, a completely different personality. Thomas smoke, look at her, yeah, she is beautiful, too, like many other women. But nothing happened, as if nothing happened. The two circles never crossed, even once. The next day, Teresa went back to the work-place, the radio was still playing Beethoven, but she didn’t feel anything, anymore, if without him. So she went back to the previous day, and let herself not ill and went to the restaurant, to meet Thomas, in her life. Someone was ordering a wine something. But she couldn’t recognize which one was him, anymore, as if, that were a very distant dream, and she couldn’t see very clearly anymore. So she went back to the previous previous previous day, like get on the train of the opposite direction, looking for a lost jacket. It was there, right there …… she even went to Prague, his hospital, the wall was pilling off greenish + bluish fragments, the shadow of the branches of the tree was laughing at her unease glance. It was an ordinary office, with some desks and chairs, and some doctors’ white cover-coats, and needles. She picked one, stick into her finger-nail, but it didn’t bleed or pain at all. Is this not real? Is this real? She was confused. And Thomas was looking at her, following her, every minute, everywhere she goes, smiling at her, but he is transparent, and she could not see him, sometimes can feel, sometimes completely not. And she immerse herself into the swimming pool, the lights were on, in the water, and the water was clear and warm. So she asked why, why? Maybe that’s better, if they never meet.

 

She rush out of the door, was hit by a truck. He pick her up, holding her, looking at her, talking to her …… but she couldn’t hear anything or couldn’t give any reaction to him, anymore. I betrayed my husband, he trusted me so much, and I betrayed him, and told the police where the printing-machine was hidden. Why did I do it? why did it do it …… at the moment her body was hit by the truck, her soul got freedom, looking at everything, apathy + emotionlessly. And then she understood, the man holding her there, love her, silently, in a way, which she couldn’t understand or accept. He was on the roof, listening to every single sound she made, every single detail of her life, her laugh + her tear + her sorrow + her loneness + her anxiety + her desire + her struggle + her coward ……  her everything ……  I wish I could tell you ……

 

Thomas didn’t understand what 6 mean, the number of her room. Maybe, just, happened to be number six.

她回到文艺复兴的时代， 见到了达芬奇，给他看她的素描。达芬奇笑了，竖起大拇指，说：你画的真好！我能看到我的痕迹，可是你有自己的思想和情感，还有这个蓝色的彩铅笔cross-hatching, like etching 是我不曾用过的， 你很creative +original， 非常棒！ 可是她回到自己的工作室，觉得很失望，因为一个aim， 就应该高高不可及，就应该引导你向前走，现在她又不知所措了。上次，超越Miko的时候，心里好害怕 wish Miko could hold me, and tell me where to go …… but Miko wouldn’t say anything, just looking into her eyes, sternly, I see, you trust me to be able to figure out my own way by myself, yes sir, I will, I will do well, watch me, don’t walk away, I need you ……  so when I am doing cross-hatching, I am not alone, you are here with me, with me, with me …… I will make a good drawing, one day, hopefully, and you’ll see it, hopefully you will like my work, too.

 

妈妈病逝。他不曾回去，因为在不可中断的创作中。也曾觉得悔恨， 和 对不起， 她最后的时候一定很想我。可是我没有时间啊………… the only thing I want ………… is time

 

And both are great men, excellent artists, which you could + should never rude. Love them, sure, respectfully.   No, that’s ……  love me ……  need be loved, definitely.

 

One day, this world, people will say your name “Xiong Xuan” from all different accent all over the world, it’s a difficult pronunciation, like Van Gogh’s name, but they will get it.  trust yourself too

 

她有点笨笨的  很多的事情都不懂  也似乎没有任何意愿想要弄明白

当他觉得  心里  真的真的好爱她的时候   他变得简单和善良了

                                       他放下所有的铠甲和可以伤害人的武器

                                       回到童年 that child

 社会教会你残忍 + 伪装 + 欺诈 + money + 社交往来

But if you are facing a sleeping baby, what you are going to do with it, except love + hug + kiss it, or just watching it, little feet.  我 很 爱你     可是  我也非常非常害怕

 

如果你喜欢一个人  就把他的画贴在墙上  然后  有一天  你就可以和他画的一样好

因为你经常看到他的画  seeing is a cumulative thing

 

木吉他“卡农”    : )

 

Teresa walking on the beach, carrying her camera in her hands, shooting the waves, the white waves, rash out of the pale-blue sea, rush to the sand, to the edge of the sea, trying to go as far as it can, and then be pulled back, the sand was wet where it were, and then be blew dry by the wind, as if nothing happened, and again, and again …… Teresa standing there, let the water go around her ankles, like, as she was a kid, she used to use a piece of glass, made a transparent “wall” for the ants, as they carrying their white baby-ant-eggs hurry hurry hurry in line, after the rain, the ants have to dig the entrance of their hole, or move to a new one, Lulu made this big wall, and joy to see what the ants will react, they can see each other, but couldn’t go through, what is it ……  Teresa even took a video of the aimless waves, did not know why she do that. 不可遏制的对肉体的厌恶感， when see a woman adjusting her bra at the locker-room, 不可克制的厌恶感，I prefer I never saw it, Hao kissed me, there, for 5 minutes, and then back to his computer-work, and she cried, silently, if a husband couldn’t fulfill when you really want + need, at least physically, talking about a potential colleague’s  interview at work …… have to laugh at the boring stuff on the dinner-table, actor --- has to behave as he was expected – to be able to survive, the compromise to reality, you kind of have to bow your head, the respect of being an artist, no, just being a human-being, no, just existing, so small, so tiny, so not-important, so merely, so vulnerable, anyone, anyone can hurt her with glance + words, feel like be stripped in the crazy-people’s hospital again …… as she touching herself, and how it feels like …… be gentle …… just feel so sad, and 不可遏制的对肉体的厌恶感, how to keep balance between physical desire and psychological pursuit to be a great artist? Can i? Will I ever be able to make a good drawing? How to draw? I don’t know how to draw …… Miko do not teach me anymore …… and I couldn’t make it myself …… so hard …… if, anyway, you are a human-being, and human-being has uncontrolable physical needs, then how to be an art-monk? 李叔同是怎么样做到的？鉴真和尚是怎么样做到的？ 坚定的信仰？ 简单的生活？子规在他的小小的小院子里，写俳句 …… has he ever want? 喜欢子规写的短短的句子， 绿绿的丝瓜挂在竹架上，把一片叶子用纱布包起来，然后用石头砸出它的红色来，纱布上就印出叶子的影子了。 他们都去远方了，而我在这个小小的院子里，我这么没用…… he only feel he is alive when he is writing his little short sentences in this little square yard, the simple beauty of ancient language, he feel the freedom he never had, in the realm of words, floating in the air, so light, careless + disconcerted …… and without desire, any any desire, neither physically or psychological want, any more …… yeah, I see, 谢谢你， 子规  : )

 

绝望而孤独的人  only want to cross-hatching, cross-hatching, cross-hatching ……  

 

And to dear marsh: thank you too  : )    谢谢你爱我   : )      ありがとう

Tereza feel Thomas’s hands, holding her, she turns back, want to see your eyes again, but she couldn’t see him, it’s transparent + invisible, but she can feel him is there, it’s you, it’s you …… a lot of soap-bubbles surrounding her, and turning and turning and turning, softly ……

 

想起来了  是曾经学过的一篇德语小说  里面有个小女孩  名字叫Lulu   有一天她突然出现在森林里 没有人知道她从哪里来   她身上穿着一件男人的黑色呢子上衣  穿在她身上显得特别的大  光着脚丫  她就住在森林里   村子里的人发现了她   给她带来家里不用的旧床单旧被子  让她可以暖和一点  Lulu甜甜的笑笑   也不知道说谢谢   她很善于倾听   村子里的人都喜欢和她说话   夫妻间吵架了也和她讲   Lulu就那样温和而耐心地看着  听着    她似乎并不需要额外的什么东西    也好像永远都不会长大   直到有一天   she disappeared  没有人知道她去了哪里。因为要去画廊，身上穿了黑色的大衣，那么沉，那么大，Lulu人显得更小了。他们不停地和我说话。透过铁丝网的方格看后面的马路，和马路上面奔跑的汽车，三三两两的行人在路边走着。可能永远也见不到他了。紫灰色的旧旧的房子，斑驳的秋天的树影，摇曳，窗子紧闭，每一个窗子里头都有一个故事happening. 他躺在地上，脖子里，额头上，地上，淌着很多血。Lulu跪下来，轻轻的摇他的肩膀，他不肯说话，也不看她。Lulu把他揽在怀里，轻轻的抚摸他的后背。想念他。他们不停的和我说话。本来可以画画的时光，就这样荒废着。不知道她把我卖了多少钱？亲情的丢失，人心的淡薄，在金钱面前的软弱，没有尊严可讲，好冷…… 不喜欢你残忍和暴力  the only way 进入她内心的唯一的方式  是温柔。你曾经那么漫不经心的把我的心全部占满，满满的月。静静的陪伴我吧，不要发出任何声音。如果你没有办法停止爱我，就爱吧…… Lulu把那个伤心的人搂在怀里  轻轻的和他说话 I am here, I am here with you. 闭上眼睛，不要看我……

 

一颗小小的樱桃树 和它的浅浅的影子

 

2016/11/27 又梦见忻老师了  不要放弃 你所做的点滴 忻老师都能够看到

不要想着用这100张骷髅图去换取什么   没有个展也是很有可能的  忻老师会看到的

与安龙华的重逢及分别 悲喜交集 无语凝噎  志不同 道不合 不能执手 宁愿孤独地行走

朋友是有阶段性的  在某一个时间段里 存在 她会变的  不要再想她了  早已失去……

有些人可以用一生来珍藏  即使不能够见面 真心依旧 会一直陪伴在左右

大部分人是匆匆过客 无需伤感 把她存放在记忆里 不忘记便是友情了 不要指望太多

这么多年 10年了 她读的什么书 有多少时间在画画  多少时间荒废在无意义的事情上

多少时间曾想起过你…… 

画画是一件艰苦的事  像农夫在犁田  我觉得那只是作为一个画家的本分而已 且不谈他是否会有成绩

梵高说：要不计报酬的默默工作10年 然后呢？那个时候我大概可以画得稍微好一点点了

婴已3岁，完成30%的诺言，不要放弃，忻老师在冥冥中注视着你呢

等完成100张图，把它们一起烧掉？无意义的东西而已……

不要烧掉 梵高也曾经觉得自己画的不好 毁了一些作品 现在看来  是不是很可惜？

你要恢复到一个本真的纯粹的画画的状态  没有任何目的 简单的生活

每一张都要尽最大的努力 推到极致“再也不能了”休息 然后再回来继续工作 一定还有空间

空空的山谷 寂静的石板路 雨滴与竹林 我的绝望的素描

如果你能够做到全心投入 就不觉得孤独了

 

有三年半的时间没有看到他了  梦到过一两次  他的画 变了 他在哪里？

Ok ……  I’ll be all right …… don’t worry about me …… and you, be well too, ok  : )

Kiss you, for the last time ……

 

Don’t be silly. He had left long ago. It’s something you never had. He is Chie’s husband, not yours. You are a harassment for him. Don’t you understand? Don’t you understand? Idiot. At that moment, when he decided to absent for one year, he had left you. And you are just an idiot …… who cares, really. Idiot. What do you know about him, what you know about his art? Idiot. I think, he is trying to help you wake up to see who you are, in reality, and help you sever the ties, and set you free, and you should appreciate it. and I would like to believe, the one wants to love you, will win, the one who wants to hurt you, there are several characters inside him, conflicting. His social status, who is he really, do you know? He, left, left. You are a burden for him, don’t you understand? It’s over. No, it’s just never happened. He never hug you, or kiss you, or tell you that he love you, right? Never happened. Because you are unwanted. Chie own him, he is not yours. What a ridiculous world! No, just you, people only laugh at you, and look down upon you as a discouraged + crying coward idiot. Don’t cry, idiot, back to your easel, things won’t work out, it never will, just draw a little bit, ok? Can’t draw …… even can’t draw. Wow.

忻老师，你帮帮我…… 我多么羡慕你可以那么专心致志地画画呀！我的心无法平静。

你画个白菜看看。当一个人做到排除万难能够把他想画的东西画得像这个家伙一样的地步，令旁边人傻眼了。我今天中午画那双鞋子，我就发现很重要《途》中人物是福建武夷山天心永乐禅寺和尚泽兴长老。有缘画出家人使我有机会站在社会的另外一个角度体验精神与文化的关系。泽兴长老年过七旬，个头不高，敦实有节。我画画一半依靠技法一半依靠意念。如果只用技法就会把这位长老只画成一个披着袈裟的老头。是意念让我画出出家人那种清寒。我拂去老人家脸上真实的质感，以扫除世俗的尘埃，以显露出修行人冰清玉洁的心地。我似飞鹊衔枝般地从他的嘴边挑出白须来，暗示着他诵咒时在俗念的围困中洞悉人心的佛音轰鸣而出。

 

 

 

 Chapter 7  dear Theo

一个片段与另一个片段之间的奇怪关系

 

 

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