I think drawing is the illusion, it's light and shadow, it's forms, it's atmosphere, it's sculpture in water, it's fading, it's ambiguous contours, it's warm and cold, it's candles, and it's orange color-pencil, and it's a rainbow. Because when you are drawing, you feel exciting in the process. Once it's done, you leave it on the easel for some time, because you still want to see it. After a couple of days, you may put it down, as if the emotion has gone, and then I will put it in a plastic bag, put it on my bed. I have a storage-room with two beds, one bed is for my drawing papers, I have 200 drawing papers, the other bed is for finished drawings. I have 30 drawings right now, large scale works. I think I will draw another 15 years here, at this small-island studio, it's just my living-room, but I call it my small-island studio, because I like it so much. When I am drawing, I am myself, I am real Melancholy. And drawing is hope, because I see glory, I see I have a beautiful exhibition, and books, I'll print books with my exhibition, I'll win success, I will be appreciated, the world will treasure my drawing, and hold it nicely. Sometimes i am super sad, and very depressed, loose all the courage, and loose all the hope, and I feel I am so desperate, nobody can help me. And then I tell myself: no matter how tyou feel, keep drawing, let the hands keep working, and you will walk out of the depressed circle. It's like a circle you are in it, not always hopeful and happy, sometimes feel low and depressed. Especially when those ghosts talking around me, they are so good at making me anxious and hit me down, as if they are happy with it. But when I play audible book, play music, they listen too. Gradually they feel like they can get along with me, and be nicer to me, and I got treated a little bit better. But when they hurt my eyes, I suddenly see all the sutle details, even including all the omissions and the texture of the paper even could be seen. My eyes feel so uncomfortable, and I feel badly, and then I have to stop for a couple of hours. I just learn English for 3 hours, or 5 hours, and then back to the drawing. The drawing feels good for me. I think drawing is my best friend. A friend, or a lover, may leave you, the emotion, the friendship could be over, when people's situation changed, maybe they changed a location, no longer see the person very often any more, or because the person get tired of you, think you are boring, and you have nothing, you have no content, you are ignorant, you don't know anything about contemporary art, you don't know anything about the art scene, you even don't know the famous movie-stars who they are, you are so ignorant, a hillbilly, they used say me like that. But that is ok, i am myself when i am drawing, the real artist, when I am drawing, it's me, it's not the beautiful Melancholy in front of the mirror, with the beautiful dress. Or riding the bicycle, that's me. I like riding bicycle very much, i wish i can ride bicycle every day, just a big circle around my community, it's a half an hour riding, and sometimes uphill, I have to push the bike uphill, and then when it's downhill, I am so fast, i like the wind blowing my face, blowing my hair, I just rushing down. And there is a huge supermarket on the way, sometimes I stop there to go to bathroom, sometimes buy some delicious cookies there. There are local women making cookies and sell at the supermarket, I like it so much. It's a big box, a big box of cookies, just a couple of dollars, it's really well, really delicious. And I like living here, I like this area, and there is a pool so close, I walk there 15 minutes, and I like swimming so much. When I am swimming, I take a break from the drawing. You know, when you keep working, you have the intensity of work, you feel the seriousness, it's so serious, so intense,. When you keep working for 30 hours, I work 30 hours everyday, and then I learn English for a couple of hours, and then I watch a movie to the end, so i have entertainment, I have trophy, with a movie. So I can feel. If I don't watch anything, I do not have new content, I will back to old memories, I do not have anything new, I;ll become super boring, so I will watch a movie or TV series, to stimulate myself. And i like talking with you, not just practice English, we could be best friends, we are old friends for so long, and I feel close with you, I feel so warm with you, and you are so patient so nice to me. I think we can read Jackson Pollock after Van Gogh, it's a huge book, 900 pages, I have bought 2 books right now, i will send you one, but I wouldn't read it through first, to mark the new words, it's going to be with you entirely, you will guess what's new words for me, you just try. Read, explain new words, and read it again, it's really a good method. Sometimes when i am drawing, I listen to your recording, like last week, I listened Tom's recordings of chapter 29. I totally forgot what I told you, what i was talking with you, during the reading, and it surprise me what I said, because when I am recording, it's not just audible book, it's also our conversation, our thoughts, especially when we talk about the printings on the book, it's very interesting the art thoughts, how you look at it. So when i finish a drawing, I will send it to you, so you will see my work, so you will know me a little bit better. And I would like to see your feedback, what you think about it. I didn't give up, even though i don't have exhibitions, i don't have chance, because my drawings are too big, it wouldn't fit in any gorup shows, and it's too difficult to put on frames, and signed to a place, it's too big. So i will wait until someday some people will appreciate my work, and would like to help me, but it's so rare, opportunities are so rare. Hao told me don't think about far away things, so you wouldn't be depressed, wouldn't be frustrated, maybe he is right. But I have my website, people can see my work on my website, I noticed there are some people look my website each month, I don't know who they are, where they are, but they seem like a hope for me, because the world could see my work, and i can see it by myself. It's difficult to look at computer documents about my early drawings, it;s easier to look at them on my website. I talked too much to you!
Tom: Yes! That's good! I appreciate all the things you said, you are usually so quiet, I am reading whole time. You have one character of being great artist, you are very extreme, ordinary artists, they paint still-lives, whatever it is, they are too comfortable, but you are very extreme, you have dedication to drawing, to working on your art, is so much progress, than most other American artists, most other artists I ever met, so that's something makes you so special, I think. and I think I said that before, Americans have short attention, i have short attention, you can't concentrate on the same thing for a long period of time, you have to stand up and walk around, you have to talk to someone. You want to dedicate to something, but your attention very short, you listen to audible book in stead of reading a book, because when I start reading a book by myself, my mind start going here, there, everywhere, I can't concentrate words for long time at all. That's the way most people are, they don't draw everyday, they don't draw 20 hours at a time, so I think that's the extreme nature, that's what make you someone stand out as an artist, you almost have to be really extreme. If you are born in a wealthy family, that can help. But we were not born in wealthy family, we have to be extreme. And when it comes to art, you a lot more extreme than I am. Mine is like a hobby, I dedicated on for many many years, but i don't do a lot everyday,
Melancholy: Daytime is burning, half an hour is just like 5 minutes,
Tom: I appreciate our friendship and glad to read together,
Melancholy: Do you like your drawings and paintings?
Tom: Yes. It took a long time to feel like I can do something,
Melancholy: Do you think only rich people and smart people should make art, the rest could only become audience for them, envy them, jealous them, but they couldn't help themselves, they couldn't make effort to win, because it's so competitive. Tom: I think success really doesn't matter, look at Van Gogh, he wasn't successful, but he made a lot of paintings, totally touch people who seeing them. So success doesn't matter. But i think you do have to make good art, whether it's going to be successful or not, it's like a chance, it might be, it might not, but you do have to make good art that;s meaningful.
Melancholy: Yes, especally for yourself, especially when noone appreciate.
Tom: You know, most artists aren't be successful, that's the way the market works, when i was in college, they told me: 99% of artist who get a bachelor degree don't ever work the arts, they won't, they do things totally different than arts. I have a day job, so it's very difficult to stick on art, be a professional artist, that's all you do, to make money, 99% it's like one in 2000 people I think, i think it's even less than that, one in 5000 people who are artist.
Melancholy: I have a plan, for a decade, or for 15 years, from now on, it's going to be pure fine art time, just drawing everyday, because right now i am at golden age right now, i train myself drawing all these years, I do not have difficulties about drawing any more, for example composition, how to start a work with sketch, sketch contours to set up structure of a work, to be able to keep working on it. I do not have difficulties to draw light and shadow effect, I can render pictures perfect well, because I understand forms with shadows very well, and I learn from masters every day, i understand drawing very well, i am exciting about drawing. So I am sure during the 15 years, I will make some perfect drawings, and I am sure i will do some trash work also. Even i do my best, some work will look bad. And then, I should have a show, that would be until I am 55 years old. It's going to be the age most people retired, but my career just started at that time. I counted my paper, i have 200 drawing papers right now, and I counted my pencil leads, art material, it's going to last 15 years from now on, so it's perfect timing. I'll finish all my art material, change the papers to become drawings. And then I should make a change. I may tired of drawing by that time, after working for so long, without a support, I may give up by that time. But i tell myself: I should keep drawing until I am 89 years old, because Michelangelo lived until 89. And he was keep sculpting until died. He is a good example for me. He is a hero for me. I will work hard like him.
Tom: the drawing you sent me, i think it's much much better drawing with the baby, without the baby, it just becomes something everyone can understand, but the baby add the quality, why there is a baby lay in the middle of the foreground? So by adding that little element, people can't explain, it doesn't make sense, it totally changed that picture, it becomes less traditional normal picture, something mystery, something makes people think, so it makes it so much better. It doesn't hear the music as well as other people, he doesn't understand everyone is so talented making the music.
Melancholy: That's myself. That's keep doing myself, no matter how crowded, how noisy the world is, no matter what other people are doing, they are social with galleries, they are having openings, they are having exhibitions, printing books, they are having sales, but I should keep doing what i am doing right now, and be myself, don't be influenced by others, don't envy them, just thinking drawing itself is what i want, it's the only thing I want to do.
Melancoly: i was talking about Paris or New York with my husband the other night, right now i am glad to talk about it with you, and question you what you think about it. i was reading Van Gogh, he came to Paris, all sudden his painting changed, because he see Monet, Renoir, Degas, Manet, all these people's works, he see the impressionist's bright light, bright colors, all a sudden, his work becomes brighter, colorful, that's a huge change in his stuyle, and in his mind, he suddenly understand the nature, he becomes so much better, so much amazing than it used to be, than he was doing farmers with brown tones. His work become colorful and brighter. And then he try to participate in the art scene, to make exhibition at restaurants, to hang his paintings on the wast walls of the restaurant, until he got an argument with the boss, the proprietor canceled the exhibition, and ordered him get out of my restaurant! it's a failure exhibition of course, but it's a try, we can see he want to succeed, he see the allure of success, and trying, why Theo wouldn't show his work, since he is showing other awant artists, like Seurat, and Monet, he think his painting is beautiful, but for Theo, it's not good enough. Van Gogh spent so much time social with other avant artists, try to arrange exchanges with them, I think he is jealous those opening artists, and he couldn't make it like them. And then he moved out of Paris, go to Arles, south area of Frans, he see the beautiful landscapes, beautiful orchard flower trees, and he painted a lot landscapes, painted those beautiful spring flowers, his world back to be the lonely artist, i think his work is so much better than the time he was in Paris, because he started painting again, and he have a lot of new works recently, I think it's so much better to be an artist in real, rather than talking artist.
I was living in New York City for six months, just briefly, when Hao find a new job at American Bank in new york city, we moved there before the work started, to be prepared have a new life there, and i go to soho and chelse, to see those galleries, and i attended some openings i like, to see the artists talking, and to see the openings. I feel exciting because i perticipate, I printed a small book and carry it, and show it to people, even show it to a gallery owner, but he didn't react, because his gallery is open to the modern artists, not to traditional artists, and my work looks like old stuyle, out of date for him, so he didn't appreciate my work. And i want exhinbitions too! i want success too! I want to make money too! But I didn't. And then we left, we moved to Virginia, Washington DC area, and I checked galleries at DC area, they are on busy streets, but they are small. And i question myself: what you really want? Do you want to keep drawing everyday or do you want to be busy social with people everyday? I said to myself: I want to keep drawing everyday, by myself, even without gallery shows, without opportunities with people who knows it professionally, and I keep drawing. It has been 9 years since we moved here, Look back, what i have done? I have done so many beautiful works, it's like a harvest of a farmer. I think, big city, like pairs, or New York City, is stimulation, it's chance, it's shining, it's so beautiful, it's so exciting, your entire person will be changed like another person, competitive, willing to gain something, and you have to compete with so many others who want it too, especially young artists, until i understand myself. I am a shy person actually, I am a introvert person actually, I got nervous when talking with a crow. If i am riding my bicycle, I am facing a person in front of me, I say good moring to the person, but if it's a crow, I just look down, pass silently, without saying anything to htem, because I feel uncomfortable talking with a crowd, or talking in front of people. I am ok with you, because I feel familiar with you, so i can talk like this. So I tell you: the next 15 years i will be here every day, and do my work, and then when i am tired, i will go swimming some time.
small island studio by 宣雄
Xiong Xuan Melancholy
This is Melancholy Xiong Xuan's personal website, just about my drawings, essays and some photos during drawing process, this is my everyday drawing life as an artist, I built up this small-island since 2013 at State College, PA. I know how precious to have your support, it is meaningful to drawing everyday, and it is meaningful that you see it on my website, it is like an isolated small island, away from lure from reality world, let me be dreaming, if you like my drawings, I will be so appreciating your support, thank you very much. contact: melancholysmallislandstudio@gmail.com
Here I share with you some earlier sketches 20 years ago sketches, in "Hello Kitty" file, I feel nicely when looking at my earlier work. i wish to continue my drawing until 89, just like Michelangelo, he was keeping sculpting until end of his life, he is my hero. I wish by end of my life, when I looking back my lifelong drawings, I will feel content and peacefully, how is it going to feel like? I wish a solo exhibition at my dream museum--- The Metropolitan Museum of Art, I wish my drawing could be good enough, I wish my work could match the top museum, I will feel proud of myself again, just like how I felt when I was 26 years old, when I was doing cast-drawing at the cast-hall of PAFA for Josh, with green clips, at that moment I was a line drawing with a early Renaissance relief, I decided only draw, so I put down painting brush and pallet, but I may pick it up, since earlier masters had done tones of beautiful works, so I can learn from their works, and I may like painting again. I may feel tired, like any body else, I may tired, so I may take a break, and then I will back to my easel, open my pencil-case, and start my drawing day. i am thankful for my Theo-- Hao still supporting me, and I appreciate you like my drawings, that becomes encouragement for my career, some time when I could make my solo exhibition at the Met, I will invite you to come and look at my work, sincerely, thank you. by Melancholy Xiong Xuan on 2024-12-27
here I tell you a little bit about myself: I was born in the suburb of Beijing, a small village, December 26th 1984, my mother told me it wasn't too much pain when berthing me, but it was a great deal of pain when she was berthing my elder sister, who is 4 years older than me, she was born in the year of monkey, and I was a little mouse. But it took so much care and love and painstakingly paying tuitions during my growing. My parents were local peasants, after all lands got overtaken by government, they raised sheep for some time, I still remember my mother used to hold a little lamp for me to draw it, I love that lamp portrait so much, I named it "Prince", but I lost that sketchbook unfortunately. My father was a carpenter, he actually built our house in traditional Chinese style, with red pillars and beautiful paintings on the wall, and he was always so proud about himself, keep bragging his house was the most beautiful building in the village, especially the front entrance looks extraordinarily, I love my father, I was his proud. And then my parents became butchers, they sold pork in farmers market, they lived harshly for the sake for me and my sister, I didn't realize how heavy money could be until I was the one to carry 8000 Yuan tuition to my high school, from that moment on I started studying hard, and finally made my goal --- I got in Tsinghua University the art academy, which is the best of my country, I studied 4 years there, 2003--2007, in painting major, of course, we had drawing classes also, I started my cross-hatching style since then, but at that time, I wasn't aware of it yet. Actually I started very early in my life, about 9 or 10 years old, I told my mother when I grow up I want to be a great artist, and my mother brought me to Children's Palace, registered in a traditional painting class with Wang, that is a big-belly man with thick beard, his work usually about mountains, cloud-seas, trees and rivers and stoned village tableaus, he was always smiling watching us, he even still remember my childhood portrait of my grandpa lying on bed, he cried when I revisited him. I was new to this world, and it seems there are so many interesting things attracted me, I feel exciting when drawing them, just sketch line drawings, I remember there was once I caught a big insect with wings, and I drew it, and anther time I was drawing white autumn flowers overnight, my mother surprised to see me still drawing there when she got up in the morning. During my mid-school, I was already a little woman, and I fell in love with a young man, he was very lovely and handsome by the way, I thought I was going to marry him when graduated, we were writing letters for 8 years until there was a moment I realized I need to end the relationship for my art, I was very sad about it and regret sometimes, I was drawing him and draw a seaside view showing us sitting side by side, hand in hand, watching the vast sea, that's what I imagined the love scene. During University time, I was reading art history and a lot of literatures, both Chinese and Western, and I fell in love with Vincent Van Gogh, I copied his paintings day after day, I got attracted by his brilliant colors and audacious compositions, when I read his biography, I noticed the frequency of his creation, especially during the time when he was living in the south area of France, he made paintings every day, almost every single day a new piece of art, I love his sun-flowers, I love his starry starry night, I love his battered shoes, I love his flowers and I love his letters with Theo. At that time I was fancying going abroad, especially go to France, go to the countryside where Millet was, when I realized my family couldn't afford that, I cried silently when I was painting, I cried and cried until the moment I accepted reality. But I didn't know one day I would be in America, and see the great Metropolitan Museum of Art, that's because of my husband, my Theo in my life, as He got enrolled in PSU as a PHD student, he brought me to the United States. He is my best friend and faithful supporter, listener and reader, I sincerely appreciate every single day with him, he let me feel so safe and stable, and encourages me keeping doing my art, I am happy with him, I swear wouldn't leave him after I left the art school in Philadelphia, PAFA, the Pennsylvania Academy of the fine arts, I was studying there for 2 years, like Mary Cassatt did, I was standing in the middle of the tremendous cast-hall, I was dumbfounded by the beauty of those ancient sculptures, and I decided only draw, only do drawings for the rest of my life, my favorite cast-drawing during that time was named "Joey", it's a 14th century early Renaissance relief, it's 3 angles walking towards temple, the girl in the front was holding hands together in front of her chest, as if she is holding something, but there is nothing in her hands, I think it's sincerity, the drawing was made to trying to prevent a professor about absent for a year from the school, I wanted to give my drawing to him to not let him go... that's my most beautiful drawing I ever done, 10 years later, I did a copy of it, with orange pencil, but it couldn't reach the height I used to be. I think about the reason of it, it was because I was completely engaged in it, and that was the first time I perceived the relief, the simple beauty and the elegant lines attracted me. i did it on coffee-colored cardboard, and then glue it on gray cardboard, to show the wall color. Now I recall how I was during the two years there, I was always drawing, I was so proud and even arrogant somehow, time was flying so fast.I.got inspired by my drawing teacher Michael Grimaldi, I still think, even now, still think his drawings was the most beautiful works among the academy teachers, I recorded when he was teaching me, and then I was trying to understand him, why he was talking so fast? That's fascinating for me. I admired him and appreciated him. For several years he was my inspirations and he was my communication in mind, I was talking to him and wanted to talk to him, I even didn't know thoughts may flowing like a stream, or one day, it may suddenly stop. Right now I am an independent artist, working alone, at my small-island studio, which is actually just my little apartment, my sweat home with my sweat husband Hao. I only make drawings, but i may break for a moment to do some landscapes paintings with my early hero Vincent Van Gogh, that would be after i finish my current work, it's Street-musicians, 280 by 60 inches, pencil on paper, I spent about half a year to start it, right now, it's going to be detailed, and it will need about another half a year to finish, I like it so far it's still looks very light, orange toned paper makes it seems brown toned. Right now I live in Virginia, for 8 years, I finished a group of fabric studies, two sets of studio interiors, and a series of street musicians. Art is not easy, it takes so long to be able to be preparatory, to be able to make a shape correctly, and then you need to practice a lot to be yourself, to find your way, and to put down whoever used to be significant for you, no matter who they are, either it's a great master in the art history, or it's a earlier art teacher, right now, I am the artist, and I have to make my own art my own way, completely by myself!. So please understand I need a quiet studio environment, so that I can concentrate my mind with my pencil, so that I can feel my work is going on with my hand, it's very very important, so please leave me space, let me draw by myself, let me be totally engaged with my work, I am a great artist, i started my art-learning since my girlhood, and I still stick on with it now, i know I have very sensitive talent about light and shadow illusions, I am making something great now, so please let me draw, I feel desperate about my reality situation, but now I really appreciate I could make my art here, without have to find a job. For those friendly people who like my work, I will update my drawings on my website often, so you could see, sometimes when I have something to say, I will write essays, so you could know me a little better. Thank you so much for everything you have done for me, thank you. by Melancholy Xiong Xuan 2025-3-17
About my art: I am a pencil-work artist, because I swear to make drawing only, and the reason for that because I like the texture of pencil, like sand by seaside, I walk there, feel the sand underneath my feet, leaving footsteps behind me. I work with mechanical pencil, because it save me time to sharp it, and because it can reach max level of fineness, especially when it's a classical art theme, for example, my "Street-Musicians" series. I do cross-hatching gradually, rather then put darkest dark immediately, I perceive light and shadow gradually, especially the strongest contrast between light and shadow, it takes time to understand why somewhere looks stronger than elsewhere, it's the earliest lesson I learnt since childhood, which is if the light comes from right, then the shadow will be on the opposite direction, the farther it's distant from the light-source, the weaker it appears, and contours under the dark areas will be blurry, as it retreating into the background. I do not use cotton or stump to smear pencil marks, I just build up with my mechanical pencil, because I prefer leave some texture of cross-hatching on the paper. My drawing paper are board mat using in frame-shop, it's strong enough to let me do cross-hatching for 50 layers. I do vertically and diagonally, and then I turn my paper horizontally, to be able to do cross-hatching from the opposite direction. Gradually I have trained my eyes to continue working when it's turned horizontally. I love my printing pictures, it teaches me to observe carefully, and be patient during working. I know there are differences between photos and actual drawings, and I do not try to mimic to be the same as what I trying to learn, especially when some contours look so sharp that it must look like a paper-cut if I make the shape sharply, that's where I decided to smear the contours, to make it fading away and retreating back until disappeared gradually, so that you could feel the space around the figure. I love classical paintings, especially the Renaissance period of time, I got amazed by the calm, peaceful, serenely mood in the pictures, including Greek sculptures can refract the atmosphere of something holy and beautiful. I noticed in classical paintings, there are blurry contours retreating around the figures, to step back into the darker background. I always darken the background to be darker gray, because in reality, no matter where I look at, there are backgrounds around whatever I am looking at, and there is no absolute whiteness background, so I darken the sky and the foreground darker, gradually, of course. The areas the feet stepping on will be dramatically dark, it's the darkest dark in the picture. I still haven't figure out darkest dark mixed with oil, the technique is unknown for me, I put it aside right now, I will find the way later on. I do not like charcoal and white chalk, because my logic is the build up light and shadow effect gradually, and indirectly, rather than dark with charcoal at once, also because I do not like make powders full of my hand. In order to protect my drawing during work, I put a transparent plastic paper on top, fix with clips on top, so it wouldn't got blurred unnoticed. I keep my drawings with me, because sometimes I miss a specific piece, so I took it up, mount it on the wall, and take a look, sometimes redraw it or make some changes. Just like right now, I hang my earlier 5 years ago work, and still make necessary changes, looking at those faces and figures I did, I still feel the passion I used to travel with. Each drawing is a gurney. I wouldn't try to sell my work right now, because I am accumulating works right now, so far I have finished one fifth of my goal, I still have 200 drawing papers, I will finish each piece with all my effort and sincerity, as I promised to my pencil "Pinky" I will continue my career, no matter there is applause or not, no matter it is a glory or gloomy in front, I will do my work all by myself, until I am ready for my exhibition some day. I see hope in my work, I know it's not easy all the way until here, so much difficulties and harsh time had passed, I see a glory sun warming my heart, with tears. My aim is to become a great artist, how to define it then? I think the answer is simple: a great artist who can makes great artworks. I am a conservative person, I wouldn't do modern art, my art is very limited, but within the limitness I have found infinite meanings, that's why I am still so eager with every single pencil mark I put on paper. I like modern art too, so beautiful and creative, but I choose to make my art my own way. My goal is to draw better than Leonardo DaVinci, I believe I can make it some day. So when I am drawing another 30 years, I look back, as I sifting through my works, I could proudly point out some masterpieces. I know I can do well, or badly, through time, I will make progress, and I will feel the depth of artwork like in blurry water. When I am swimming, I feel released from the pressure of my art, just like take a break, doing something completely different. I am learning a book about Van Gogh with an audible book, I need to stimulate my thoughts a little, so that my mind wouldn't hover in old memories, especially some hurtful ones. As long as there is no war, it's a nice day, and my normal working day is the greatest gift for my life. I thank who made it for me. I thank you, who care about me and checking my website sometimes. I love you Josh, I made a Chinese name for you: 小泽 handwriting by Melancholy Xiong Xuan on April 25, 2025.